Aries
Road trip time! That’s right Aries, sometimes you gotta’ hit the ol’ blacktop and light out for the horizon, throw caution to the wind and seek that which you’ve always been afraid of: your inner hedonist. As a guiding route for this trip, I think you should stick to major European capitals: Rome, Georgia; Athens, Texas; Paris, Tennessee. And you can tell ‘em Laps sent you (and they won’t beat you up).

Taurus
Even though opposites do attract, it can be tough for them to coexist. One of them likes Tom Cruise, the other likes Tommy Lee; one likes Harry Belafonte, the other likes Harry Potter; one likes Dolly Parton, the other likes Dolly Madison… Wait, who the hell are these morons? No wonder they can’t coexist, they’re all tacky idiots. You’re not are you?

Gemini
Do you like your job Gemini? For a lot of people, their jobs mean everything, signifying personal worth in a profound way. But this is bad. It’s important to distinguish between one’s vocation (that which satisfies deepest needs and longings) and one’s job (that which pays rent and puts food on the table). Pay attention, because when you get these muddled, you’re doomed.

Cancer
Did you ever used to touch other people’s shadows? You know, when you were a little kid, and your shadow was next to someone else’s and you could reach out and sort of fondle the dark area with your own dark area… sounds gross doesn’t it? Well, it’s illegal now Cancer, because of your inappropriate longings! Are you happy? Are you? Pervert.

Leo
You can dye your hair, but you can’t dye your soul… "Well what the hell does that mean?" I can hear you saying, "Sounds like a bullshit platitude from a no-talent astronomer." Ok, so that’s getting a little personal. But you’re right, maybe it’s all kind of meaningless and pretend; nothing but a series of semi-coherent ramblings based more on indigestion than inspiration. Why do you hate me Leo?

Virgo
A thousand leagues beneath the sea is where I’d like to be, floating along on a deep current of volcano-heated brine, waving to all the odd little glowing bottom feeders. Will you join me in my oxygenated bubble of pleasure Virgo? You need some quiet, you need to separate yourself from the hurly and hubbub, put in the ear plugs and simply observe. If you look, you shall learn.

Libra
Love, truly, has torn us apart. Love of self, love of candy, love of tanning beds, love of schnitzel — love rears its pernicious head everywhere you turn. Even the love of another is fraught with spikes and razors… So how do we survive love and its consequences? Well Libra, we don’t. It’s true, you can’t ever expect to get through it safely, or you won’t get it at all. It’s a battlefield out there.

Scorpio
I was in a bar last night, and somehow, some devoted fan of Läps Trinity World of the Stars® was able to recognize my inimitable mug and came up to harangue me about their last horoscope. It wasn’t that I’d been wrong, it was that it’d all come true — and this nutjob Scorpio was blaming me! I was so shocked I had to put down my Pink Lady! Don’t blame the stars when the fault lies within.

Sagittarius
You need to do something a little crazy Sagittarius. I’m talking jump-out-of-a-plane, sit-in-a-shark-tank crazy. Whether or not you actually work in a cubicle isn’t the point: you’ve started to inhabit a spiritual cubicle of the mind. You know that moment when something happens in an office and everybody pops up over their partition? They call that ‘prairie dogging’. You’re not a dog are you?

Capricorn
Time for a sing-a-long! First verse… ready? Let’s go! "Oh my darling Cappy-corn/Your heart’s so full and strong/But when you fake that laugh, it feels so flat and wrong/’Cause serious is what you are/Of this I must insist/There is no time to weep, for that you might’ve missed/So when the chorus comes/Raise up your voice and call:/’To be the one I want to be, I cannot please them all.’"

Aquarius
Reward yourself. If you deserve it, great; if not, maybe it’ll make you feel guilty enough that you actually get off your ass and work. My sense (grasped from the patterns of the gin-tumbling firmament) is that you have indeed been earning some serious spiritual capital with all the pleasant door holding and old lady helping. Spend it! Get yourself a double fudge sundae! Or a gun.

Pisces
Now they’re saying fat people live longer, and that the world’s population will be cut in half over the next two centuries. Jeez: cities filled with grass and forest and fatties foraging for grease and jumbo sodas. Don’t you wish you could see how it’s all gonna’ turn out Pisces? It’s a pretty painful feeling to realize it’ll just keep going on without us. But that’s what they call eternity I guess?