Aries
They say you’re supposed to try on shoes in the evening, when your feet have plumped out to their natural daily size. What if the same were true of love? Suppose some love you discover is a perfect fit in the young morning of your life, but as the day passes, the shape of your soul changes and grows, until that sad point when the love feels pinched and painful. This is why you must wait Aries. Wait and learn.

Taurus
Humility is a lesson never easily learned. By necessity, we must lose a little to gain broader perspective on the world. But Taurus, you’re at risk of losing more than you can ever hope to regain. Look, chances are you live in New York, a place where too much humility can get you killed. Sometimes it’s ok to use your shoulder instead of your head, especially if you don’t have a helmet.

Gemini
"Dark Times Ahead." Why, gloomy Gemini, does that sign always seem to be flashing on the boulevard of your life? And those thunderheads on the horizon… Let’s see how far this metaphor will drive us: I want you to get off at the next exit and keep going until the road turns from gravel to dirt. Upon reaching grass, take off your shoes and socks and feel it all between your toes.

Cancer
You ever notice how the tone and pitch of your voice is different when you’re speaking a different language? I think the change goes even deeper Cancer, all the way to behavioral patterns. Frankly, I feel sexier when I’m speaking Spanish, less so when speaking German. So does the way we say things change the way we are? Maybe, which is why you should learn to speak in an "indoor" voice.

Leo
Who are you kidding Leo, you’re not a sailor. So it comes as a great surprise to learn that you’ve been contemplating a solo voyage around the continent of South America. Look, if you want to get to San Francisco that badly, I can lend you bus fare. Why can’t you ever do things like a normal person, without going to such ridiculous extremes? Sometimes these largest of gestures only signify an underlying lack.

Virgo
Capes and fedoras: modern symbols of the displaced mind, or emblems of youthful eccentricity? But we needn’t reduce the issue to such limited polarities? Screw it, yes we should: You look like a crazy vanity publisher run amok in a gay matador’s walk-in closet — these sartorial shrieks for help just aren’t working Virgo. Try an honest letter, or an old-fashioned phone call. You need help.

Libra
If climbing Everest isn’t all that impressive, and everyone and his personal assistant has been to the North Pole, what’s left to do? Even our "voyages inward" are festooned with cross-promotional opportunities and synergistic handjobs. A simple act of quiet withdrawal no longer has the signal impact it once did… Panic, existential panic… Libra, how are we to be free? (Don’t answer that.)

Scorpio
Just because you’re good at solving other people’s problems doesn’t mean you’ll make a good astrologer… in fact, my job has nothing to do with finding solutions — I’m merely a conduit for the truths that have always been out there (and always will be). Advice types like yourself just end up repackaging the truth to make it more palatable for those concerned. Don’t kid yourself Scorpio.

Sagittarius
In some parts of Canada, a place not unlike my own native Lappland, they freeze milk in ice trays and give it to little children as "special treats." This is what’s known as "Canadian duplicity." But Sagittarius, you could employ a little of this duplicity to your benefit, as I’ve noticed of late that you suffer from what we call "Midwestern guilelessness." Try lying to one stranger a day… yay!

Capricorn
Old friends are hard to keep up with. They go off to Portland or have babies in Burgundy, and before you know it, a whole decade has passed. Let’s not let that happen with us, ok Capricorn? Even if we’re separated by a thousand miles, let’s use the world as our own echo board: I will speak to the trees and you will hear me in the rivers; you will talk to the moon, and I will hear you in the morning star.

Aquarius
There are worse things than a slow descent into senility. When you think about it, from roughly 18 years on we’re continually shedding brain cells, so senility is just a question of degrees and timing. A few tumblers of warm gin will do just about the same thing as the temporal degradation of grey matter… but I digress… or do I? Well this is kind of my point Aquarius: we’re all losing it.

Pisces
So summer’s basically here: dragonflies and moonpies, sticky sidewalk gum and rustling leaves outside the window, sunburns and sweaty shirts… Long days at the end of June when it always feels like school’s about to let out for the year… Get ready for it Pisces, this is going to be a transformative season for you, a dream-filled run of well-groomed dog days. But you must be equal to the opportunity!