Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
Some dates have their very own private significance. And not because something particularly noteworthy happened on them, it can just be a random fixation. For me, it’s October 23, of which I am very afraid (I suspect that’s the day I’ll buy the big one). What day is it for you Aries? I really hope it’s not July 2… because I’m not having a good feeling about that one
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
I recently received a pretty mean letter about these horoscopes, which says the following: “The guidance aspect is nowhere to be found. It just feels like the guy is on drugs and is taking something out on people.” I cried for an hour. But then, slowly, I realized it was true. I am on drugs. And I can be a bit of a misanthrope. But Taurus. I’m really trying here! That’s gotta’ count for something?
Gemini May 21 - June 30
If you have the chance Gemini, try to make it to the White Nights of St. Petersburg before you die. What the hell am I talking about? You see, when summer solstice rocks the end of June, the sun stays up forever, giving people the chance to stay up drinking vodka until they can see through walls. It might sound awful, but it can reveal deep truths about the self. (Of which you are currently lacking.)
Cancer June 21 - July 23
Among those silly and various signifiers of manliness (charring animal flesh, yelling at the TV, referring to attractive women as “milkshakes”) starting the fire in the fireplace occupies pretty special territory. It is creating a light in the darkness, bringing heat to cold, happiness where once was pain… That’s what you do for me Cancer. You are the fire in my place.
Leo July 23 - Aug 22
Time to turn over that leaf Leo, and become one of those “glass is half full” types. Yup, I’m trying to infuse my interpretations of the firmament with a little positivity. Many of you longtime fans might find this change distasteful, even abhorrent… well, all I can say to you is: “Judge not lest ye be judged and found guilty of most despicable, damnable calumny!” Keepin’ it on the positive tip!
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
I’ve said it before: a good trumpet solo can do absolute wonders for the libido. Now Virgo, I’m not suggesting there’s anything lacking in your current lustiness… but you could definitely take it to the next level with a little of the old Herb Alpert playing in the background. And if you think this is some kind of meandering metaphor you’re wrong. Put on side one of Tijuana Brass and have sex.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 22
My mother used to say that I was her “little all-star,” which made me feel oh so good. But then I realized she was simply being nice and maternal, and that I hadn’t been selected by a panel of my peers. I was a mixed up little kid, that’s for sure. Libra, we can’t all be stars, because if we were, then none of us would be, uhhh, stars. Do you know what I mean? Dude?
Scorpio Oct 23 - Nov 21
Dolphins are cool and everything, but apparently they can be jerks just like the rest of us. Yup, there are dolphins who are socially dysfunctional and beat up other dolphins; there are dolphins who smoke and swear and use drugs; there are even dolphins who do terrible things and then make money from it on the Internet. Which kind of dolphin are you Scorpio?
Sagittarus Nov 22 - Dec 21
The whole falsetto thing is getting a little tired don’t you think Sagittarius? Sure, the tiny violin and the cape are really cool, but when you’re just calling to double check about the phone bill, I don’t need to hear you warbling like a drunken canary. What are you trying to hide anyway? It’s the not the way they sound, it’s the words themselves that count, so quit pretending.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
Any vacation plans for the summer Capricorn? To be brutally honest, I must warn you against states that contain the letter “u.” I know this is pretty specific and grim, but I’ve been hanging out with a lot of older Italian women, Sibylline types dressed in black who give the craziest, darkest readings. Man, it freaks my shit out. Frankly, you got off easy with this one.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
You need a challenge Aquarius. You need specificity — accessible obstacles you can engage with and overcome. Let’s face it, the broader dilemma of existence in this mortal plane is a manifold struggle that none of us can hope to overcome… So why not take up jigsaw puzzles? Or Civil War reenactments? (Even when you lose in those, you can have a sense of satisfaction.)
Pisces Feb 19 - Mar 20
I knew a man who claimed he never cried. But then I caught him on the bathroom floor, his face pillowed on the brine-soaked sweater of an ex-lover. He’d been crying for three days, and his roommates had been gathering the dried out salt deposits and selling them on the corner as “gourmet.” Man that salt made my mashed potatoes so tasty! I’m glad he cried.
ARIES MAR 21 - APR 19
Watching dogs play is just about the most fun there is — it’s better than roller derby and the Ice Capades combined. I once saw two Shitzus and a Rottweiler play a seven-inning game of wiffleball, and they made up all these weird rules about cats in the outfield, and they had no balk rule to speak of. My point though Aries, is that in the end, they didn’t even care who won. Sigh. Hug.
TAURUS APR 20 - MAY 20
Brooklyn is a big place Taurus, it goes all the way to Queens! Do you remember how Eddie Murphy’s African prince character came to Queens looking for a wife, in Coming to America? Pretty funny stuff. Ok, back to Brooklyn. You’ve been limiting yourself to too few ‘hoods… maybe the answers you seek are in Flatlands or Bensonhurst? Hire a guide, start the search.
GEMINI MAY 21 - JUNE 20
My mother, bless her heart, used to say, “You make a better door than a window!” She would say this when I was practicing my rhythmic gymnastics in front of the puppet theater. Of course, the irony here is that I now serve as a window to the magic knowledge of the stars, which tells me this Gemini: Whatever you do, don’t take that job as a rhythmic gymnastics coach…
CACER JUNE 21 - JULY 22
Did you know there’s a Shluh people? Seriously. They aren’t traveling Yiddish clowns either, they’re a tribe of the Atlas-mountain Berbers. The great thing about the Shluh is they’re comfortable anywhere there’s a little blue sky — which is more than I can say for you Cancer… you don’t even seem comfy in your own sallow skin. Which makes you a member of the Schlub people.
LEO JULY 23 - AUG 22
Nothing like the sense of power you get from piloting the old combine, is there Leo? Nope, when you’re bringing in those Franken-sheaves and loading the larder with canned beets it’s a sexually electric experience akin to the Lambada. Even though you probably stopped reading at “Franken-sheaves,” I’ll tell you that this summer’s booty harvest is gonna’ be plenty bountiful! Word!
VIRGO AUG 23 - SEP 22
Have you noticed how some of the fancier ladies paint tinkly spots on their toenails? It’s so beautiful, like stars adrift on a trout stream. I find something particularly lovely about those toenails, especially when the feet are hidden from view: the idea that beauty (read: cool sparkliness) can exist in the realm of the unseen is comforting… you’re beauty’s kind of unseen isn’t it Virgo?
LIBRA SEP 23 - OCT 22
The real fortune is in personal flying devices. Think about it Libra: Being able to get anywhere in the five boroughs in ten minutes, whenever you wanted?! And then you wouldn’t have to deal with those smug iPod people on the subway, or those braying cellphone donkeys on the bus — man, the very idea of public space is fucked. Oh yeah, per my original point: you’re totally in the wrong business.
SCORPIO OCT 23 - NOV 21
Doppelgängers have really fallen out of fashion. Nobody seems to have one anymore. They’re like fondue pots or shoe trees — the last time someone saw mine was at the 1987 Riga Milkenspiel (yes, that milkenspiel). I have a feeling though, that you Scorpio, are actually just the doppelgänger version of the original… or maybe we’re all just simulacra of our own alpha beings? Creepy.
SAGITTARIUS NOV 22 - DEC 21
A good slice of cheese pizza is a rare thing. It calls to mind the best of one’s youth: afterschool financial independence involving two shiny quarters sliding across a glass countertop; innocent parties in tacky recrooms before hangovers and chlamydia ever came on the scene. But most importantly Sagittarius, a good slice of cheese pizza reminds you who you are: a pizzamaker!
CAPRICORN DEC 22 - JAN 19
Years from now Capricorn, when you’re filling out crossword puzzles with those tiny golf pencils, and your hand is shaking and your bladder’s weak, you will look back at your life, you will see it behind you, over your shoulder in the mirror, and it will look like a destroying angel, in lamé and gingham, a wrought-iron dustbuster slung across its naked breast. Man that’s gonna’ suck.
AQUARIUS JAN 20 - FEB 18
“Pugilistica dementia: I figure as long as I can say it, I ain’t got it.” Do you know who said that Aquarius? It was legendary talcum-weight boxer Corkscrew Fitzpatrick, who ended up as punch-drunk as any fighter you ever saw. The irony was that the only thing he was able to say at the end was the aforementioned axiom. Hubris always brings down the wrath of the gods. Always.
PISCES FEB 19 - MAR 20
Sure, you used to wanna’ be an astronaut, then it was an explorer, then it was a TV newsperson, then it was merely solvent… What happened to your dreams Pisces? Did you put them away with your favorite old kite? You can always buy another kite, but if you don’t re-access some of that need for greater horizons you’ll never have enough wind to fly it. (Worst mixed metaphor, EVER)