ARIES MAR 21 - APR 19

Watching dogs play is just about the most fun there is — it’s better than roller derby and the Ice Capades combined. I once saw two Shitzus and a Rottweiler play a seven-inning game of wiffleball, and they made up all these weird rules about cats in the outfield, and they had no balk rule to speak of. My point though Aries, is that in the end, they didn’t even care who won. Sigh. Hug.

TAURUS APR 20 - MAY 20

Brooklyn is a big place Taurus, it goes all the way to Queens! Do you remember how Eddie Murphy’s African prince character came to Queens looking for a wife, in Coming to America? Pretty funny stuff. Ok, back to Brooklyn. You’ve been limiting yourself to too few ‘hoods… maybe the answers you seek are in Flatlands or Bensonhurst? Hire a guide, start the search.

GEMINI MAY 21 - JUNE 20

My mother, bless her heart, used to say, “You make a better door than a window!” She would say this when I was practicing my rhythmic gymnastics in front of the puppet theater. Of course, the irony here is that I now serve as a window to the magic knowledge of the stars, which tells me this Gemini: Whatever you do, don’t take that job as a rhythmic gymnastics coach…

CACER JUNE 21 - JULY 22

Did you know there’s a Shluh people? Seriously. They aren’t traveling Yiddish clowns either, they’re a tribe of the Atlas-mountain Berbers. The great thing about the Shluh is they’re comfortable anywhere there’s a little blue sky — which is more than I can say for you Cancer… you don’t even seem comfy in your own sallow skin. Which makes you a member of the Schlub people.

LEO JULY 23 - AUG 22

Nothing like the sense of power you get from piloting the old combine, is there Leo? Nope, when you’re bringing in those Franken-sheaves and loading the larder with canned beets it’s a sexually electric experience akin to the Lambada. Even though you probably stopped reading at “Franken-sheaves,” I’ll tell you that this summer’s booty harvest is gonna’ be plenty bountiful! Word!

VIRGO AUG 23 - SEP 22

Have you noticed how some of the fancier ladies paint tinkly spots on their toenails? It’s so beautiful, like stars adrift on a trout stream. I find something particularly lovely about those toenails, especially when the feet are hidden from view: the idea that beauty (read: cool sparkliness) can exist in the realm of the unseen is comforting… you’re beauty’s kind of unseen isn’t it Virgo?

LIBRA SEP 23 - OCT 22

The real fortune is in personal flying devices. Think about it Libra: Being able to get anywhere in the five boroughs in ten minutes, whenever you wanted?! And then you wouldn’t have to deal with those smug iPod people on the subway, or those braying cellphone donkeys on the bus — man, the very idea of public space is fucked. Oh yeah, per my original point: you’re totally in the wrong business.

SCORPIO OCT 23 - NOV 21

Doppelgängers have really fallen out of fashion. Nobody seems to have one anymore. They’re like fondue pots or shoe trees — the last time someone saw mine was at the 1987 Riga Milkenspiel (yes, that milkenspiel). I have a feeling though, that you Scorpio, are actually just the doppelgänger version of the original… or maybe we’re all just simulacra of our own alpha beings? Creepy.

SAGITTARIUS NOV 22 - DEC 21

A good slice of cheese pizza is a rare thing. It calls to mind the best of one’s youth: afterschool financial independence involving two shiny quarters sliding across a glass countertop; innocent parties in tacky recrooms before hangovers and chlamydia ever came on the scene. But most importantly Sagittarius, a good slice of cheese pizza reminds you who you are: a pizzamaker!

CAPRICORN DEC 22 - JAN 19

Years from now Capricorn, when you’re filling out crossword puzzles with those tiny golf pencils, and your hand is shaking and your bladder’s weak, you will look back at your life, you will see it behind you, over your shoulder in the mirror, and it will look like a destroying angel, in lamé and gingham, a wrought-iron dustbuster slung across its naked breast. Man that’s gonna’ suck.

AQUARIUS JAN 20 - FEB 18

“Pugilistica dementia: I figure as long as I can say it, I ain’t got it.” Do you know who said that Aquarius? It was legendary talcum-weight boxer Corkscrew Fitzpatrick, who ended up as punch-drunk as any fighter you ever saw. The irony was that the only thing he was able to say at the end was the aforementioned axiom. Hubris always brings down the wrath of the gods. Always.

PISCES FEB 19 - MAR 20

Sure, you used to wanna’ be an astronaut, then it was an explorer, then it was a TV newsperson, then it was merely solvent… What happened to your dreams Pisces? Did you put them away with your favorite old kite? You can always buy another kite, but if you don’t re-access some of that need for greater horizons you’ll never have enough wind to fly it. (Worst mixed metaphor, EVER)