Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19

Some dates have their very own private significance. And not because something particularly noteworthy happened on them, it can just be a random fixation. For me, it’s October 23, of which I am very afraid (I suspect that’s the day I’ll buy the big one). What day is it for you Aries? I really hope it’s not July 2… because I’m not having a good feeling about that one

Taurus Apr 20 - May 20

I recently received a pretty mean letter about these horoscopes, which says the following: “The guidance aspect is nowhere to be found. It just feels like the guy is on drugs and is taking something out on people.” I cried for an hour. But then, slowly, I realized it was true. I am on drugs. And I can be a bit of a misanthrope. But Taurus. I’m really trying here! That’s gotta’ count for something? 

Gemini May 21 - June 30

If you have the chance Gemini, try to make it to the White Nights of St. Petersburg before you die. What the hell am I talking about? You see, when summer solstice rocks the end of June, the sun stays up forever, giving people the chance to stay up drinking vodka until they can see through walls. It might sound awful, but it can reveal deep truths about the self. (Of which you are currently lacking.) 

Cancer June 21 - July 23 

Among those silly and various signifiers of manliness (charring animal flesh, yelling at the TV, referring to attractive women as “milkshakes”) starting the fire in the fireplace occupies pretty special territory. It is creating a light in the darkness, bringing heat to cold, happiness where once was pain… That’s what you do for me Cancer. You are the fire in my place.

Leo July 23 - Aug 22

Time to turn over that leaf Leo, and become one of those “glass is half full” types. Yup, I’m trying to infuse my interpretations of the firmament with a little positivity. Many of you longtime fans might find this change distasteful, even abhorrent… well, all I can say to you is: “Judge not lest ye be judged and found guilty of most despicable, damnable calumny!” Keepin’ it on the positive tip! 

Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22

I’ve said it before: a good trumpet solo can do absolute wonders for the libido. Now Virgo, I’m not suggesting there’s anything lacking in your current lustiness… but you could definitely take it to the next level with a little of the old Herb Alpert playing in the background. And if you think this is some kind of meandering metaphor you’re wrong. Put on side one of Tijuana Brass and have sex. 

Libra Sep 23 - Oct 22

My mother used to say that I was her “little all-star,” which made me feel oh so good. But then I realized she was simply being nice and maternal, and that I hadn’t been selected by a panel of my peers. I was a mixed up little kid, that’s for sure. Libra, we can’t all be stars, because if we were, then none of us would be, uhhh, stars. Do you know what I mean? Dude?

Scorpio Oct 23 - Nov 21

Dolphins are cool and everything, but apparently they can be jerks just like the rest of us. Yup, there are dolphins who are socially dysfunctional and beat up other dolphins; there are dolphins who smoke and swear and use drugs; there are even dolphins who do terrible things and then make money from it on the Internet. Which kind of dolphin are you Scorpio?

Sagittarus Nov 22 - Dec 21

The whole falsetto thing is getting a little tired don’t you think Sagittarius? Sure, the tiny violin and the cape are really cool, but when you’re just calling to double check about the phone bill, I don’t need to hear you warbling like a drunken canary. What are you trying to hide anyway? It’s the not the way they sound, it’s the words themselves that count, so quit pretending.

Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19

Any vacation plans for the summer Capricorn? To be brutally honest, I must warn you against states that contain the letter “u.” I know this is pretty specific and grim, but I’ve been hanging out with a lot of older Italian women, Sibylline types dressed in black who give the craziest, darkest readings. Man, it freaks my shit out. Frankly, you got off easy with this one.

Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18

You need a challenge Aquarius. You need specificity — accessible obstacles you can engage with and overcome. Let’s face it, the broader dilemma of existence in this mortal plane is a manifold struggle that none of us can hope to overcome… So why not take up jigsaw puzzles? Or Civil War reenactments? (Even when you lose in those, you can have a sense of satisfaction.)

Pisces Feb 19 - Mar 20

I knew a man who claimed he never cried. But then I caught him on the bathroom floor, his face pillowed on the brine-soaked sweater of an ex-lover. He’d been crying for three days, and his roommates had been gathering the dried out salt deposits and selling them on the corner as “gourmet.” Man that salt made my mashed potatoes so tasty! I’m glad he cried.