ARIES MAR 21 - APR 19
Truly, it is a mad world. There are people living deep beneath the Earth’s surface, in houses made of old pop bottles and flannel; there are people living in the clouds, in giant dirigible bicycle baskets; the moment has arrived when Terry Gilliam movies seem grounding. Oh Aries, you broke my heart and I now I live in the trees. I am barren. Why do you break our hearts?
TAURUS APR 20 - MAY 20
Let me tell you Taurus, the sunshine of your love is shining brightly this month… but what’s the point of powerful UV rays if there ain’t anyone around to get a tan? Ecch, what a crappy metaphor. Here’s the deal: you got it going on, but you can’t just sit around the apartment waiting for people to notice. Exposure. Get out there. Undo that top button. Hang.
GEMNI MAY 21 - JUNE 20
It’s high regatta season Gemini, so I imagine you’ll be dusting off your topsiders and sextant, licking your lips in anticipation of just one more gin and tonic. This is your opportunity to regain some peace of mind, or at the very least redeem yourself for last year’s embarrassing “Pope dunking” — if you know what I mean. Time to grow up, you’re not a kid anymore.
CANCER JUNE 21 - JULY 22
Some days, they say, you’re just better off staying in bed. Ain’t that the truth Cancer? You’ve been having a rough go of it lately, haven’t you? Your pants don’t fit anymore, your bedsprings squeak at inopportune moments, your radio only gets one station and it’s in Cantonese… Clearly, the world is trying to tell you something: “Cancer, restore the balance, return those library books!”
LEO JULY 23 - AUG 22
When you were a child, you wondered that the world might indeed be full of magic and secrets; when you were a teenager, you saw that in some ways it was, but that in others it was a very real, very cold place. Now you’re an adult and you don’t even know what I’m talking about. Dear Leo, you used to dance among the pussy willows, and now you trudge beneath crabapples. Isn’t that sad?
VIRGO AUG 23 - SEP 22
Some mountains are too high to climb just for the sake of love; as are some valleys too wide. True love, the kind that will last through the slings and indignities of this wretched life, must meet in the middle. The quest is all very nice Virgo, but what happens at the end, when you’re sitting together in the back of the bus in your wedding finery? Koo-koo-choo, that’s what.
LIBRA SEP 23 - OCT 22
Did you ever hear about the firefly who thought he was a star? His name was Ferdinand and every year around this time, he’d stop to watch the meteor showers in the sky. Being but a humble bug, he’d get confused by all the light and would try to fly up into the vaults of the firmament. Libra, is there a Ferdinand in your life? Maybe you should reach out and give them a taste of reality.
SCORPIO OCT 23 - NOV 21
Sure, you can teach a man to fish and he’ll be able to eat, but with mercury levels being what they are, he’ll probably get sick. It would make more sense to teach a man to be responsible for his adverse affect on the environment. Forgive my ranting, Scorpio, it’s just that you’ve been so good at admitting your mistakes it makes others look shabby. You deserve a reward: stereo equipment!
SAGITTARIUS NOV 22 - DEC 21
Ghostwriters aren’t so bad, Sagittarius, in helping you articulate truths you didn’t know existed. As you sit down to tell us the story of your life it might make sense to retain the services of one, at the very least to improve that flaming Christmas tree anecdote, which always begins well but ends in a muddled whimper. You have the stories, you just need to tell them better.
CAPRICORN DEC 22 - JAN 19
Dogs are kind of like the frat boys of the animal world: they always want to party, they slobber all over the place, and they just don’t understand that you might not want to hang out with them. But there is one thing dogs/frat boys can teach us Capricorn: if you fall asleep in the middle of the driveway, you’ll probably get run over by aunt Lou’s El Camino.
AQUARIUS JAN 20 - FEB 18
Sometimes I wish I had a different first name — Läps is pretty goofy when you think about it, and people have a hard time pronouncing it (it rhymes with “drapes”). I’d love a forceful name, like Alexander or Strom, a name I could really enter a room with and rescue a group of hostages. Are you happy with your name, Aquarius? Remember, no matter what they tell you, you can always change.
PISCES FEB 19 - MAR 20
Vacation time is soon approaching, begging the question: Should you take that cruise to Belize or not? And of course, you know that “cruise to Belize” is a euphemism for ending a long-term relationship, which is serious business. So Pisces, you’ve really got to ask yourself: Does the Playa Deck have all of my leisure needs taken care of? Or is something missing? (Hint: yes.)
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
How do we soothe the jangled nerves of the put-upon city dweller? Lotions? Liqueurs? Laotian chants? My dear Aries — you seem to be reasonably calm these days, despite the heat and the roadwork. Tell us, is it the overnight immersions in Dijonnaise? The vinyl girdle? Or is it the simple fact that you’ve started to put behind you those things that cannot be undone?
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
One day I hope to have an item of clothing named after me. You know, like the Nehru jacket or the Scarf. Mine will be an elaborate cape, the kind of sartorial innovation that beautifies as it educates. And it will render the wearer immune to unfair criticism of his or her recent behavior at the end of a relationship… Taurus, you could really use a Läps’ Cape, if you know what I mean.
Gemini May 21 - June 20
A good afternoon of secluded fishing is probably better than a bucket full of anti-depressants — unless of course you’re seeing spiders everywhere. Oh Gemini, why can’t we just speak frankly? Why can’t we just while away the day in an old dory? I’ll man the wheel with my big toe and you’ll make us sardine, tomato and Zoloft sandwiches… Is everyone depressed?
Cancer June 21 - July 22
My dear Cancer, it’s true, you do hold a special place in this old reindeer heart of mine. I dreamed the other night you and I were in a tree house baking corn muffins in a little EZ-Bake Oven. It was wonderful, we seemed able to communicate without speaking, you’d pass the butter before I even asked… But life isn’t a dream is it? No, in the real world, you have to demand the butter.
Leo July 23 - Aug 22
The music changes from major to minor; the light takes on a cold, iron hue; soufflés around the room sink; life has taken a turn for the worse... But it always does, Leo, you should know that by now. When you find yourself buzzing and a twitter with the electric frenzy of the living, you must remind yourself that it cannot last. This isn’t meant to be a downer, just a little wisdom.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
So we get drunk. We fight a little. Pull some hair. Your mom is there with her weird new boyfriend Maxie. It’s just another Tupperware social in the land of the midnight sun. Contrary to what you might think, too much natural light is bad for the old noodle. You see, it gives one a false sense of immortality, all that sleepless euphoria… We come from the night, and to it, we return.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 22
Grumpy Frenchie novelist Michel Houellebecq wrote: “It is in our relations with other people that we gain a sense of ourselves; it’s that, pretty much, that makes relations with other people unbearable.” Ok, so he’s pretty grumpy, but he’s on to something. Why are we so terrified of getting in touch with ourselves? Is it because we fail to pay our friends what we owe them? Libra?
Scorpio Oc 23 - Nov 21
Summer is fully here — but that also signifies the beginning of the long slide into darkest winter. Yes, it’s true, the dread night now grows stronger with each turn of the Earth. But this, Scorpio, is why god created the 24-hour diner, a place that gives us succor in our moments of need. Maybe you should stay up real late, order a grilled cheese, and reflect on where life has taken you…
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
Time is like a rainstorm. You can see it passing, all those drops hitting the street like little men marching in formation to some distant battle. You try to catch it in your hands, but it just flows out to nowhere. Unless you’re smart, and buy a rain barrel at Home Depot, for only $29.99! Remember Sagittarius, the secret to stopping, even conquering time, can be found at a hardware store.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
An old, favorite song can be more comforting than a cherished sweater or family recipe — it can take you back to specific places in your life that you thought you’d forgotten about. Like for you Capricorn, every time you hear ‘Running Up That Hill’ by Kate Bush, it transports you to that time when I lent you 20 bucks… Hey, you should listen to it again; then you should pay me back.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
Do you hear a phone ringing in the distance Aquarius? Yeah, I do — you should probably answer it. It’s most likely your future calling you, telling you to get ready for something life-changing, an event that may not seem all that monumental when it happens but will alter the course of your destiny for evermore. Or it could just be my therapist Miranda. Lil’ help?
Pisces Feb 19 - March 20
I’m told there’s actually a bunch of science-type ways of processing astral information to predict the future — you know, horoscopin’! Like planets have houses or some shit, and you can be rising or setting or declining… I don’t know. Me, I just read ‘em like letters. Here’s what they say: “Pisces, totally stop thinking only about yourself, or one day you won’t have any friends.” Ouch.