Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19

How do we soothe the jangled nerves of the put-upon city dweller? Lotions? Liqueurs? Laotian chants? My dear Aries — you seem to be reasonably calm these days, despite the heat and the roadwork. Tell us, is it the overnight immersions in Dijonnaise? The vinyl girdle? Or is it the simple fact that you’ve started to put behind you those things that cannot be undone?

Taurus Apr 20 - May 20

One day I hope to have an item of clothing named after me. You know, like the Nehru jacket or the Scarf. Mine will be an elaborate cape, the kind of sartorial innovation that beautifies as it educates. And it will render the wearer immune to unfair criticism of his or her recent behavior at the end of a relationship… Taurus, you could really use a Läps’ Cape, if you know what I mean.

Gemini May 21 - June 20

A good afternoon of secluded fishing is probably better than a bucket full of anti-depressants — unless of course you’re seeing spiders everywhere. Oh Gemini, why can’t we just speak frankly? Why can’t we just while away the day in an old dory? I’ll man the wheel with my big toe and you’ll make us sardine, tomato and Zoloft sandwiches… Is everyone depressed?

Cancer June 21 - July 22

My dear Cancer, it’s true, you do hold a special place in this old reindeer heart of mine. I dreamed the other night you and I were in a tree house baking corn muffins in a little EZ-Bake Oven. It was wonderful, we seemed able to communicate without speaking, you’d pass the butter before I even asked… But life isn’t a dream is it? No, in the real world, you have to demand the butter.

Leo July 23 - Aug 22

The music changes from major to minor; the light takes on a cold, iron hue; soufflés around the room sink; life has taken a turn for the worse... But it always does, Leo, you should know that by now. When you find yourself buzzing and a twitter with the electric frenzy of the living, you must remind yourself that it cannot last. This isn’t meant to be a downer, just a little wisdom.

Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22

So we get drunk. We fight a little. Pull some hair. Your mom is there with her weird new boyfriend Maxie. It’s just another Tupperware social in the land of the midnight sun. Contrary to what you might think, too much natural light is bad for the old noodle. You see, it gives one a false sense of immortality, all that sleepless euphoria… We come from the night, and to it, we return.

Libra Sep 23 - Oct 22

Grumpy Frenchie novelist Michel Houellebecq wrote: “It is in our relations with other people that we gain a sense of ourselves; it’s that, pretty much, that makes relations with other people unbearable.” Ok, so he’s pretty grumpy, but he’s on to something. Why are we so terrified of getting in touch with ourselves? Is it because we fail to pay our friends what we owe them? Libra?

Scorpio Oc 23 - Nov 21

Summer is fully here — but that also signifies the beginning of the long slide into darkest winter. Yes, it’s true, the dread night now grows stronger with each turn of the Earth. But this, Scorpio, is why god created the 24-hour diner, a place that gives us succor in our moments of need. Maybe you should stay up real late, order a grilled cheese, and reflect on where life has taken you…

Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21

Time is like a rainstorm. You can see it passing, all those drops hitting the street like little men marching in formation to some distant battle. You try to catch it in your hands, but it just flows out to nowhere. Unless you’re smart, and buy a rain barrel at Home Depot, for only $29.99! Remember Sagittarius, the secret to stopping, even conquering time, can be found at a hardware store.

Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19

An old, favorite song can be more comforting than a cherished sweater or family recipe — it can take you back to specific places in your life that you thought you’d forgotten about. Like for you Capricorn, every time you hear ‘Running Up That Hill’ by Kate Bush, it transports you to that time when I lent you 20 bucks… Hey, you should listen to it again; then you should pay me back.

Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18

Do you hear a phone ringing in the distance Aquarius? Yeah, I do — you should probably answer it. It’s most likely your future calling you, telling you to get ready for something life-changing, an event that may not seem all that monumental when it happens but will alter the course of your destiny for evermore. Or it could just be my therapist Miranda. Lil’ help?

Pisces Feb 19 - March 20

I’m told there’s actually a bunch of science-type ways of processing astral information to predict the future — you know, horoscopin’! Like planets have houses or some shit, and you can be rising or setting or declining… I don’t know. Me, I just read ‘em like letters. Here’s what they say: “Pisces, totally stop thinking only about yourself, or one day you won’t have any friends.” Ouch.