Wednesday, August 31, 2005

Horoscope

Posted By on Wed, Aug 31, 2005 at 12:00 AM

ARIES MAR 21 - APR 19

The Goose That Laid the Golden Egg: A baffling parable that I’ll never understand. The goose got rich right? So laying golden eggs is a good thing? Duh. You’ve always been a little on the arrogant side, thinking you could just take other people’s valuable eggs and live off their opulence. Not any more. Time to gestate your own nest egg so to speak. Push! Breathe! Parturitionate!

TAURUS APR 20 - MAY 20

I try to keep these things as vague as possible, that the insights of the stars might apply to the widest group of readers — but in this case Taurus, I will make an exception: You have to make plans to fly to Amsterdam as soon as possible, where you will become stoned in one of the indigenous “coffee houses,” after which you will meet a Dutch person who will change your life. Ok?

GEMNI MAY 21 - JUNE 20

You know, sometimes it’s possible to express yourself too much. These situations usually arise from the consumption of too much booze and entail grand arias of confession atop the nearest picnic table or festooned lectern. Gemini, secrets aren’t all made to be divulged. It’s occasionally wonderful to hold them closely to your breast, like a warm, feverish near-death dove.

CANCER JUNE 21 - JULY 22

Real grief is unsettling business. It is elemental and impossible to engage with, like a flood, a prison riot, or an angry old man who won’t shut up until he’s made his non-existent point. Even though you may think yourself particularly attuned to the feelings of others, Cancer, there are moments of individual emotional pain that you dare not speak to. Restrain yourself. To simply be present is enough.

LEO JULY 23 - AUG 22

Hang gliding ain’t what it used to be. Time was it represented all things free and easy, gave pencil-pushing desk flunkies a chance to soar above it all and discover their inner Chuck Yeagers. But Leo, it’s all gotten so commercial hasn’t it? Ads on wings, promotional stickers on helmets… Has the whole world gone mad? Yup, and I think it’s up to you to save it.

VIRGO AUG 23 - SEP 22

You’ve been hanging around too long in the lost and found Virgo, looking for something you think you might’ve had once. You never had it though, did you? “It’s around here somewhere,” you sputter. No. Don’t lie to yourself. You’re a little too precise to make claims to flaky absentmindedness. You should turn your skeptical eye inward and stop rummaging around for mittens.

LIBRA SEP 23 - OCT 22

Where to from here gentle Libra? You, normally so diplomatic, have gone all Kim Jong Illin’ on me, rattling your saber, taking it to the brink, mixing the ketchup with the mayonnaise — wtf!? You were such a consensus builder, such a mensch… What happened? Did someone steer you wrong? Look, just because there are bad people out there, doesn’t mean you need to be one too.

SCORPIO OCT 23 - NOV 21

Can you hear that odd plinkety-plink noise? It’s pretty irritating isn’t it? That’s the sound of a million million monkeys typing out the narrative arc of your one true destiny. Simple enough right? Sure, but what if those monkeys go on strike? You’ll have to face the future alone, you’ll have to make real choices. Real power is terrifying isn’t it? But I think you’ll figure it out.

SAGITTARIUS
NOV 22 - DEC 21

You remember Earl Long right? The lunatic governor of Louisiana who had a famous dalliance with legendary stripper Belle Star? Well, he may or may not have said something like this, about you: “That Sagittarius is a generous sumbuck who’d give ya’ the running gears of a bull moose if they could. But they sure can be a mite preacherly sometimes…” Amen Earl.

CAPRICORN DEC 22 - JAN 19

The astrologer business occasionally offers up what we call a “Slow News Day.” That’s right, the stars stay kind of quiet and reveal nothing. So how about what they call in the TV business a “Looking Back” episode? Here are some classics: When it rains, get an umbrella; the sun always shines except on BETA; look inward at the stark pain you’ve hidden away. Enjoy your week!

AQUARIUS JAN 20 - FEB 18

You think you’re pretty special, don’t you Aquarius? Well guess what? You are! I bet you thought I was going to be a real jerk-pants and dress you down with acid and flak — nope. I got nothing but praise for your lovely and eccentric personality. I know life has seemed an insurmountable struggle of late but I have faith in you. And if it’s not being too forward, Button, will you marry me?

PISCES FEB 19 - MAR 20

Some dreams go undreampt. Or is it undreamt? Or is it undreamed? Or is it that grammatical peccadilloes have no place in the dream world, and this is what we’ve forgotten. Oh how much we’ve all forgotten, Pisces: entire volumes of happiness left to sink to the bottom of the river amnesia, food for hungry manatees… Take a moment to remember me? So I won’t disappear?

Wednesday, August 3, 2005

Horoscope

Posted By on Wed, Aug 3, 2005 at 12:00 AM

ARIES MAR 21 - APR 19

The human face is a marvelous topography of the deepest regions of the universe: the nose is the mysterious action-at-a-distance distortions of deep-space gravity; the mouth is the ongoing, rejuvenating parallax conundrum; the eyes… those are dying stars, silly. But your face, Aries, is impossible to transpose to the vast cosmos. It tells me you are tired. And waiting. For what? 

TAURUS APR 20 - MAY 20

Everybody needs secrets. The idea of full disclosure within a relationship is a little too much to take — it smacks of the forced earnestness of mid-70s therapeutic literature. Secrets allow us to own things, and to gain respite from the ubiquitous culture of Sharing. So basically, Taurus, maybe you should stop talking about your inner feelings so much. It gets tiring.

GEMNI MAY 21 - JUNE 20

The sun feels like an enemy these days. We try to escape his deadly yellow tentacles of light and still he gets us: on the nose, the back of the neck, in some cases the rump (ouch!). But the pain he creates, Gemini, teaches us something: Even though we’re powerless in the face of external forces, we exist as highly individuated complexes of sensation. Boo-yah!

CANCER JUNE 21 - JULY 22

We are all heroes to our dogs. But Cancer, just because this is so, doesn’t mean we don’t have to occasionally earn that status, even if it’s only for our own peace of mind. So when’s the last time you felt like a hero? Even in a small, private way? Put yourself in a heroic state of mind, make yourself available to opportunities for goodness. And Fido will love you even more.

LEO JULY 23 - AUG 22

We’re all kind of hopeless aren’t we? We wander around thinking we’re doing the right thing, telling ourselves that soon we’ll be happy, soon this toil will end and life will really begin… NO! Stop deluding yourself! Leo, I implore you, internalize the fact of your own death, understand that you will be gone: tomorrow, in a decade, in 40 years. Do this, and then act.

VIRGO AUG 23 - SEP 22

They tell me there’s a town in Michigan that revolves around Christmas all year long. It’s a horrible place, infested with bibulous elves and candy canes you can’t even eat — it’s a town trapped in a forced smile. It has reached the point where artifice has transmogrified into substance, and no one can recall the original state of being. I don’t want this to happen to you Virgo. You gotta keep it real.

LIBRA SEP 23 - OCT 22

I may come off as gloomy, predisposed to see the darker side of life, but I assure you Libra, this isn’t always the case. Take my stance on kittens and ice cream for example: decidedly pro. We don’t have to be locked into the one version of ourselves that others have come to take as final. Do people think of you as the “goofy one”? Well, to hell with ‘em. Get serious.

SCORPIO OCT 23 - NOV 21

It’s a big summer for celestial happenings Scorpio. Toward the end of August, Mars will appear in the sky to nearly the same size as the full moon. Wow, a big red orb staring fiercely down into our guilty souls; and don’t tell me you don’t have one of those… I know what you did last fall. To find absolution, the universe demands you stand outside naked for an hour, beneath the mighty Red Planet.

SAGITTARIUS
NOV 22 - DEC 21

Unfair? You’re telling me the world is unfair? Yeah, no shit. We gotta’ get past this Sagittarius, it’s kind of waste of time. Think of it this way: if everything’s unfair, and we understand it to be so, then at least everything’s on an even playing field. You just have to master the art of being unfair, which involves being an aggressive jerk. Is this bad advice? Maybe. It is what it is.

CAPRICORN DEC 22 - JAN 19

You know when business types do those symbolic deals where they buy or sell massive properties for only a dollar? I think that’s cool, but let’s transfer it to your situation: you know how everything stands, there aren’t really any uncertain externals or crazy variables to be afraid of, so why the delay? Unroll that crisp metaphorical dollar and follow your destiny. You know what I’m talking about.

AQUARIUS JAN 20 - FEB 18

Time to color your hair. Or start wearing shirts with collars. Or vests, lots of vests, one for each day of the week, and two for Saturday. Change Aquarius, it’s in the air and it’s going to happen whether you like it or not. I’m not saying embrace it (hugging’s a bit intense), I’m suggesting you try to outfox it, throw it off balance by taking the initiative and striking first. Try bolo ties.

PISCES FEB 19 - MAR 20

Life is like a computerized game of pool. It’s not really what you thought it would be, you tend to miss a lot and there’s a bunch of unexplained noise. But eventually, even if it’s through no particular expertise on your part, you win a game and it’s the best feeling in the world. In the end though Pisces, there’s nothing like the feeling of a real stick in your hand, which confuses the metaphor, but I like saying it.

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