ARIES MAR 21 - APR 19
The human face is a marvelous topography of the deepest regions of the universe: the nose is the mysterious action-at-a-distance distortions of deep-space gravity; the mouth is the ongoing, rejuvenating parallax conundrum; the eyes… those are dying stars, silly. But your face, Aries, is impossible to transpose to the vast cosmos. It tells me you are tired. And waiting. For what?
TAURUS APR 20 - MAY 20
Everybody needs secrets. The idea of full disclosure within a relationship is a little too much to take — it smacks of the forced earnestness of mid-70s therapeutic literature. Secrets allow us to own things, and to gain respite from the ubiquitous culture of Sharing. So basically, Taurus, maybe you should stop talking about your inner feelings so much. It gets tiring.
GEMNI MAY 21 - JUNE 20
The sun feels like an enemy these days. We try to escape his deadly yellow tentacles of light and still he gets us: on the nose, the back of the neck, in some cases the rump (ouch!). But the pain he creates, Gemini, teaches us something: Even though we’re powerless in the face of external forces, we exist as highly individuated complexes of sensation. Boo-yah!
CANCER JUNE 21 - JULY 22
We are all heroes to our dogs. But Cancer, just because this is so, doesn’t mean we don’t have to occasionally earn that status, even if it’s only for our own peace of mind. So when’s the last time you felt like a hero? Even in a small, private way? Put yourself in a heroic state of mind, make yourself available to opportunities for goodness. And Fido will love you even more.
LEO JULY 23 - AUG 22
We’re all kind of hopeless aren’t we? We wander around thinking we’re doing the right thing, telling ourselves that soon we’ll be happy, soon this toil will end and life will really begin… NO! Stop deluding yourself! Leo, I implore you, internalize the fact of your own death, understand that you will be gone: tomorrow, in a decade, in 40 years. Do this, and then act.
VIRGO AUG 23 - SEP 22
They tell me there’s a town in Michigan that revolves around Christmas all year long. It’s a horrible place, infested with bibulous elves and candy canes you can’t even eat — it’s a town trapped in a forced smile. It has reached the point where artifice has transmogrified into substance, and no one can recall the original state of being. I don’t want this to happen to you Virgo. You gotta keep it real.
LIBRA SEP 23 - OCT 22
I may come off as gloomy, predisposed to see the darker side of life, but I assure you Libra, this isn’t always the case. Take my stance on kittens and ice cream for example: decidedly pro. We don’t have to be locked into the one version of ourselves that others have come to take as final. Do people think of you as the “goofy one”? Well, to hell with ‘em. Get serious.
SCORPIO OCT 23 - NOV 21
It’s a big summer for celestial happenings Scorpio. Toward the end of August, Mars will appear in the sky to nearly the same size as the full moon. Wow, a big red orb staring fiercely down into our guilty souls; and don’t tell me you don’t have one of those… I know what you did last fall. To find absolution, the universe demands you stand outside naked for an hour, beneath the mighty Red Planet.
SAGITTARIUS NOV 22 - DEC 21
Unfair? You’re telling me the world is unfair? Yeah, no shit. We gotta’ get past this Sagittarius, it’s kind of waste of time. Think of it this way: if everything’s unfair, and we understand it to be so, then at least everything’s on an even playing field. You just have to master the art of being unfair, which involves being an aggressive jerk. Is this bad advice? Maybe. It is what it is.
CAPRICORN DEC 22 - JAN 19
You know when business types do those symbolic deals where they buy or sell massive properties for only a dollar? I think that’s cool, but let’s transfer it to your situation: you know how everything stands, there aren’t really any uncertain externals or crazy variables to be afraid of, so why the delay? Unroll that crisp metaphorical dollar and follow your destiny. You know what I’m talking about.
AQUARIUS JAN 20 - FEB 18
Time to color your hair. Or start wearing shirts with collars. Or vests, lots of vests, one for each day of the week, and two for Saturday. Change Aquarius, it’s in the air and it’s going to happen whether you like it or not. I’m not saying embrace it (hugging’s a bit intense), I’m suggesting you try to outfox it, throw it off balance by taking the initiative and striking first. Try bolo ties.
PISCES FEB 19 - MAR 20Life is like a computerized game of pool. It’s not really what you thought it would be, you tend to miss a lot and there’s a bunch of unexplained noise. But eventually, even if it’s through no particular expertise on your part, you win a game and it’s the best feeling in the world. In the end though Pisces, there’s nothing like the feeling of a real stick in your hand, which confuses the metaphor, but I like saying it.