ARIES MAR 21 - APR 19

The Goose That Laid the Golden Egg: A baffling parable that I’ll never understand. The goose got rich right? So laying golden eggs is a good thing? Duh. You’ve always been a little on the arrogant side, thinking you could just take other people’s valuable eggs and live off their opulence. Not any more. Time to gestate your own nest egg so to speak. Push! Breathe! Parturitionate!

TAURUS APR 20 - MAY 20

I try to keep these things as vague as possible, that the insights of the stars might apply to the widest group of readers — but in this case Taurus, I will make an exception: You have to make plans to fly to Amsterdam as soon as possible, where you will become stoned in one of the indigenous “coffee houses,” after which you will meet a Dutch person who will change your life. Ok?

GEMNI MAY 21 - JUNE 20

You know, sometimes it’s possible to express yourself too much. These situations usually arise from the consumption of too much booze and entail grand arias of confession atop the nearest picnic table or festooned lectern. Gemini, secrets aren’t all made to be divulged. It’s occasionally wonderful to hold them closely to your breast, like a warm, feverish near-death dove.

CANCER JUNE 21 - JULY 22

Real grief is unsettling business. It is elemental and impossible to engage with, like a flood, a prison riot, or an angry old man who won’t shut up until he’s made his non-existent point. Even though you may think yourself particularly attuned to the feelings of others, Cancer, there are moments of individual emotional pain that you dare not speak to. Restrain yourself. To simply be present is enough.

LEO JULY 23 - AUG 22

Hang gliding ain’t what it used to be. Time was it represented all things free and easy, gave pencil-pushing desk flunkies a chance to soar above it all and discover their inner Chuck Yeagers. But Leo, it’s all gotten so commercial hasn’t it? Ads on wings, promotional stickers on helmets… Has the whole world gone mad? Yup, and I think it’s up to you to save it.

VIRGO AUG 23 - SEP 22

You’ve been hanging around too long in the lost and found Virgo, looking for something you think you might’ve had once. You never had it though, did you? “It’s around here somewhere,” you sputter. No. Don’t lie to yourself. You’re a little too precise to make claims to flaky absentmindedness. You should turn your skeptical eye inward and stop rummaging around for mittens.

LIBRA SEP 23 - OCT 22

Where to from here gentle Libra? You, normally so diplomatic, have gone all Kim Jong Illin’ on me, rattling your saber, taking it to the brink, mixing the ketchup with the mayonnaise — wtf!? You were such a consensus builder, such a mensch… What happened? Did someone steer you wrong? Look, just because there are bad people out there, doesn’t mean you need to be one too.

SCORPIO OCT 23 - NOV 21

Can you hear that odd plinkety-plink noise? It’s pretty irritating isn’t it? That’s the sound of a million million monkeys typing out the narrative arc of your one true destiny. Simple enough right? Sure, but what if those monkeys go on strike? You’ll have to face the future alone, you’ll have to make real choices. Real power is terrifying isn’t it? But I think you’ll figure it out.

SAGITTARIUS NOV 22 - DEC 21

You remember Earl Long right? The lunatic governor of Louisiana who had a famous dalliance with legendary stripper Belle Star? Well, he may or may not have said something like this, about you: “That Sagittarius is a generous sumbuck who’d give ya’ the running gears of a bull moose if they could. But they sure can be a mite preacherly sometimes…” Amen Earl.

CAPRICORN DEC 22 - JAN 19

The astrologer business occasionally offers up what we call a “Slow News Day.” That’s right, the stars stay kind of quiet and reveal nothing. So how about what they call in the TV business a “Looking Back” episode? Here are some classics: When it rains, get an umbrella; the sun always shines except on BETA; look inward at the stark pain you’ve hidden away. Enjoy your week!

AQUARIUS JAN 20 - FEB 18

You think you’re pretty special, don’t you Aquarius? Well guess what? You are! I bet you thought I was going to be a real jerk-pants and dress you down with acid and flak — nope. I got nothing but praise for your lovely and eccentric personality. I know life has seemed an insurmountable struggle of late but I have faith in you. And if it’s not being too forward, Button, will you marry me?

PISCES FEB 19 - MAR 20

Some dreams go undreampt. Or is it undreamt? Or is it undreamed? Or is it that grammatical peccadilloes have no place in the dream world, and this is what we’ve forgotten. Oh how much we’ve all forgotten, Pisces: entire volumes of happiness left to sink to the bottom of the river amnesia, food for hungry manatees… Take a moment to remember me? So I won’t disappear?