ARIES MAR 21 - APR 19
Why were you laughing the other day, jerk? I realize my pants don’t always fit quite right, and that my elbows are oddly shaped — but I think I’m special on the inside. Am I wrong? What will it take Aries, to convince you that the surface of things isn’t always the best thing to go on? Like your current predicament — maybe it isn’t even a problem? Look deeper, and you might find good news.

TAURUS APR 20 - MAY 20
Your adoring public is all around you and you don’t even notice. Why is that Taurus? Modesty is admirable, but the people are desperate for a glance from your glowing mug, a wave from your graceful hand. Open up to them, and they shall reward you for all eternity. Or at least until you get a little zaftig. Or go crazy and throw your cell phone at a flunky.

GEMNI MAY 21 - JUNE 20
It’s all too easy to fly off the handle in the face of incompetence, especially as you discover it everywhere. But think to yourself Gemini, before you scald someone with your freshly brewed mocha-la-chino, “Maybe this person is currently embroiled in an agonizingly dull rental dispute with their landlord and is about to go up the clock tower, so dropping my change isn’t so bad.”

CANCER JUNE 21 - JULY 22
“And the rivers shall run with the honeyed effluence of expiring unicorns…” With these 13 beautiful words I begin my fourth novel. And it’s about you Cancer, it’s the story of your future. It turns out you’re some kind of psychic bargepilot, but you lost your powers because you ticked off the “Over-Beater.” I haven’t finished it yet, but if you’re double-kind this week, I think it’ll end well.

LEO JULY 23 - AUG 22
There ain’t nothing like a good piano bar to revive the flagging spirit. Velvet shadows lining the corners, random cigarette cherries floating in the middle-dark, like taillights at the bottom of a river… Sadly though, you can’t smoke anymore, and it’s nothing but show tunes and frat boys everywhere you look. Well Leo, you’re just going to have to do it at home, alone.

VIRGO AUG 23 - SEP 22
One more time Virgo. You’ve been fighting a tough fight and I can tell you’re about to give up. But don’t! Grit your teeth, tuck in your rain-paints and get back out there and climb the rigging! Maritime metaphors are keeping me alive right now. What it is that keeps you going? Knitting similes? Methadone? Villanelles? Whatever it is, figure it out, and do more of it.

LIBRA SEP 23 - OCT 22
For some, going home is a gut-punch of the most hurting kind; for others, it’s a nice, languorous rub of the tummy that leads to a pleasant nap. Well, it’s time you went home Libra, and found out if anything has changed. Are you still young in the eyes of your parents’ friends? Does the third stair past the second landing still creak like a rusty gate? You need to know, before it’s too late.

SCORPIO OCT 23 - NOV 21
Have you ever read Tintin, Scorpio? They were great comic-book stories about a young French (or Belgian) cub reporter-cum-detective who hung out with a foul-mouthed sailor and twins in bowler hats. So yes, Tintin was gay. Looking over one of them, I came across the following line, which seems to apply to you: “Snowy! Come back! She was only joking!” Deep.

SAGITTARIUS NOV 22 - DEC 21
October. My favorite month. It used to be September, but with icky global warming on the scene, the back-to-school month can get pretty sticky. October is like a big memory pill swallowed in your sleep, and when you wake up you’re crying about what could’ve been. Sagittarius, it’s ok to cry about what you’ve lost, about the chances you missed. You kind of need to.

CAPRICORN DEC 22 - JAN 19
Honesty is a ridiculous construct, like reality television or Haagen-Däzs ice cream. How can we tell the truth when we don’t know it ourselves? We can’t. But do we give up trying, Capricorn? Yes. Why waste energy on being “honest” when you could try instead to be kind and generous. When hurtling toward the end of consciousness, laughter is worth more than candor.

AQUARIUS JAN 20 - FEB 18
The Dentist of Lost Souls. I always thought he was a made-up character, a fabulism created to chide little children into proper hygiene. Turns out he actually exists, and can be found most days riding the F train between Delancey and 14th Street. And Aquarius, he’s coming for you… But in the good way! You see, he’s trying to tell you that you’re no longer lost! Yay for you and your soul!

PISCES FEB 19 - MAR 20
You fool! You had to look back! You had to take that peek over your shoulder into the dusky haze of the bungled past. It’s not going to help Pisces, it’s the kind of pain right now that you just don’t need. Sure, there are moments when nostalgia is delicious beyond all chocolate or sex or flying dreams — but not now old friend. Nothing but a milkshake of shrapnel awaits the long look back.

ARIES MAR 21 - APR 19 

This ain’t gonna’ last forever, Aries; I suppose you’ve heard that enough times in your life. But what would you do if it did? If it all lasted forever? And not in a Groundhog Day/Nietzsche eternal return kind of way, but as if this present life carried on into infinity. Would you put everything off until tomorrow? Or would you choose a series of disciplines in which to become expert?

TAURUS APR 20 - MAY 20

Gas prices through the roof. Disaster everywhere. War. Famine. Pestilence. When the world is one big Bosch painting and you’d rather be relaxing in a Matisse, where do you turn Taurus? Bourbon? TV? The pennydreadfuls? Me, I turn to the dictionary, for a little bibliomancy. Try it. Let the pages flip toward your destiny, and the word upon which you land, shall reveal all.

GEMNI MAY 21 - JUNE 20

Make it new. Make it sing. Admonishments tried and true. Do not shy away from their challenge. Gemini, put on your coveralls, tighten the cinch, and get down to the business of living. It’s really pretty good if you tell yourself that every day you will go into a new place or try something that you normally wouldn’t. But please, no firearms, and no accessing of your “inner spirit king.”

CANCER JUNE 21 - JULY 22

Communication is way overrated. It’s all a big scam. The chasm that exists between any given set of human animals is vast and inexhaustible. I really don’t have anything uplifting to offer you dear Cancer, except that it sure is fun to watch those flaming arrows of “hello” and “what are you thinking?” fizzle and flame out in the dark depths of misunderstanding. Rawhide!

LEO JULY 23 - AUG 22

Dancing, Leo, you need more of it in your life. Samba, foxtrot, headspin, whatever. Your ass needs to do more shakin’. I think it was Kierkegaard who once sang: “Free your mind, and the rest will follow.” What he really meant to say was, “If you shake your ass, s’all good.” So turn up the radio, put on the proper footwear and make like a real high stepper.

VIRGO AUG 23 - SEP 22

Rasberry-rum coolers just aren’t cool, Virgo. I don’t care if you can drink 23 of them and still comfortably pilot a pedal boat. What happened to you? You used to brandish the great shining sword of righteous purity on our asses, calling us on our bullshit and letting us know we were denying our dreams. Oh? Huh? You grew up and got a job? Ok, I understand.

LIBRA SEP 23 - OCT 22

Join a jam band. That’s right. Get up there and play the same useless bass line for three hours and feel like you really “touched” the audience. I’m not kidding Libra. You’ve become so consumed by trying to be cool, you’ve stopped having any fun. And yes, even the kind of fun that makes you look like an ass and has no value to humanity. (If you’re that Phish guy, disregard the preceding).

SCORPIO OCT 23 - NOV 21

Football season is almost here! I don’t care! This is one particular brand of pampered no-stakes tribalism that must be stopped. But it’s going to take a strong warrior to give battle to the hoards of chubby evildoers, and that strong warrior is you Scorpio. You may not think you’re tough enough for grand crusades, but I know you are. And yes, this applies to more than just football.

SAGITTARIUS NOV 22 - DEC 21

I recently discovered that, in fact, it only takes one to tango. I was alone in my salon, a little Astor Piazzola playing on the phonograph, and I started to think of your future Sagittarius. It is a sweeping, noble future, but not without brisk moments of unexpected pain; there is tension, but also resolution. Your future is a tango, and it makes me want to dance.

CAPRICORN DEC 22 - JAN 19

The lessons are over and the real world is here. And what do we soon learn in the real world? That all of our lessons have been meaningless. It is a sad truth of the wise that they refuse to reveal to us how little they know, that as we get older we know less, are buffeted by the uncertainties of a cruel external world. I hope you weren’t looking for a pep talk Capricorn.

AQUARIUS JAN 20 - FEB 18

When I read mopey horoscopes (like Capricorn’s, above) I realize I don’t listen to enough David Byrne these days; he used to really cheer me up. What used to get you out of a funk Aquarius? There are now whole chapters of your life that sit there closed and unread. Open them. Go back to specific seasons in certain years and reconstruct your life. You’ll be amazed at what you find.

PISCES FEB 19 - MAR 20

Are you a mountain Pisces? Or a tarn? Or perhaps an isthmus? What geographical entity best approximates your particular brand of kooky lovability? I think these days it’s been a lot closer to the salt flats than you’d care to admit. A little bit barren, a little bit arid. What are you going to do, to let the water flow down and release the flowers? Just don’t say yoga.