Wednesday, October 26, 2005


Posted By on Wed, Oct 26, 2005 at 12:00 AM

ARIES MAR 21 - APR 19 
Did you know that something like 75 percent of Americans believe in angels and Hell and other weird kinds of stuff? As an astrologer, I consider myself firmly entrenched on the side of hard science and clear-eyed reason, and I’m sick of these wackos and their pseudo-mystical agenda. Aries, it’s time to start believing in what you see; everything else is just smoke.

Boo! Pretty scary huh? It’s the creepiest time of the year for all of us Taurus, but especially for you right now, haunted as you are by a lifetime of not quite getting what you want. Well, since it’s also dress-up time, maybe you should think about a permanent costume change. Try donning a mantle of aggressive, bulletproof confidence this Halloween — but don’t ever take it off!

Do you think you could spend a million dollars in a day, if you were limited to increments no greater than 200 dollars? I think you could. You’re pretty stubborn in your profligacy, spending your emotional energy on useless things, as if it flowed from a ceaseless font. Maybe you should think about a new economic model for your spendthrift life? You need a spiritual budget.

Phantom limbs are cool. Most of the time they occur in the place of a leg or arm that is no longer with us. But did you know they can sometimes pop up anywhere? I think I have an arm sprouting forth from between my shoulder blades, and it keeps pointing right at you Cancer. It also seems to be giving you the thumbs up signal. What have you done lately that’s so good? Figure it out.

LEO JULY 23 - AUG 22
Body suits. Overalls. Unitards. Dear Leo, the time has come to simplify your wardrobe, to remove that extra daily stress that arises each time you’re forced to fumble through a collection of clothing that never feels quite right. With the purchase of seven identical monochromatic haz-mat suits, you’ll never have to worry. And maybe you’ll become the leader of your own cult!

People are pretty damn silly. Even when they take themselves super seriously, they manage, in their boundless vanity, to say dumb things. But Virgo, you’re refreshingly self-aware about the innate silliness of the human condition, and you seem to have no problem saying dumb things all the time! Are you aware of how dumb you sound most of the time? Just asking.  

Have you ever noticed how people keep their umbrellas open even when they’re walking beneath scaffolding or awnings or in pedestrian tunnels? People will just stick with the status quo because it’s easier, instead of taking that extra logical step to make their lives better. Changing is hard Libra, but it can be worth it. For example, changing the light bulb in the front hall would be nice.

OCT 23 - NOV 21
Bully for Harold “Grumps” Pinter winning the Nobel Prize for literature. Sure he’s given up  writing to pursue a brand of political activism many find abrasive — so what? He’s taking advantage of a position of public notoriety  earned through hard work and talent to speak about what’s important to him. We should all be so lucky. Oh yeah, Scorpio, try to avoid elevators this month.

Falling in love is harder than it looks. Infatuation is easy — it’s two-dimensional, an itch that needs to be scratched. But the real deal is a three-dimensional experience you can feel in the inner ear, in the center of the top of your head and in the depth of the other’s voice as they say your name in the middle of the night. Damn Sagittarius! You need to fall in love. Go get your heart broken.

A good country waltz, a fine glass of wine — essential to any decent life. When’s the last time you really enjoyed either? The last time for me involved too many of the latter, which led to rage-filled demands for the former. Actually, when’s the last time you made rage-filled demands for anything, Capricorn? You’re so damn far from your inner feelings. You should drink more.

Put yourself in the place of others for a day, Aquarius. Each person you meet tomorrow, (who you speak to) I want you to pause and really try to imagine who they are, where they’ve come from, where they want to be in the world, and how they might perceive you in the context of that wished-for world. Then I want you to drink a Gimlet as fast as you can. Yeehaw!

Imagine a world run by gymnasts? You can’t can you? Ok, how about Graeco-Roman wrestlers? Yes? There would be vats of oil and buckets of talc on every street corner, and wrestling tights would come with every new bank account, and public spaces would have all kinds of mats everywhere. But you’d still be sad, wouldn’t you Pisces? Why is that? Why can’t you be happy?

Wednesday, October 12, 2005


Posted By on Wed, Oct 12, 2005 at 12:00 AM

ARIES MAR 21 - APR 19 
When driving across the Great Plains I am prone to daydreams. On the last trip, I had some puzzling moments involving you, Aries. In one episode, you seemed to be asking for love-life advice; in the next, you wanted to drop everything and isolate yourself in the woods. Needless to say, I told the Dream-You that you can’t have both. Love means getting your hands dirty in the real world. Sorry.

Can you imagine if the rock ‘n’ roll 27 year olds had lived? Cobain, Joplin, Hendrix, Hank Williams? Maybe they’d be on a weird reality show, or shepherding competing infomercials, I don’t know, but the world would be a vastly different place. Maybe in this alternate world you would actually give a damn, Taurus, instead of honky-tonking every gol’ durn night. Take it easy wontcha?

You sir, are out of order! You and your entire system! And by system, I mean the emotional base-4 numerology you cling to, in this brutally base-10 world. Confused? I’m talking about mathematics, or as the British might say, maths. Still confused? Ok Gemini, here it is: you are an emotional illiterate who wouldn’t know a little projected warmth if it baked you like a popover.

JUNE 21 - JULY 22
Well, the season of long shadows is upon us. Footsteps in the attic, laughter in the dark — all kinds of creepy developments in the offing. The creepiest of which is your unusual need to be at the center of attention. But where I’d normally chastise you for your vainglorious egocentricity, I applaud it. We would all do well to warm ourselves in your self-generated glow. Keep shining.

LEO JULY 23 - AUG 22
The bumblebee leads a pretty swell life, buzzing around all those pretty flowers, fat and content, making honey to make us all happy. What is his secret? Focus. That’s all it is. The simple concentration borne of an overpowering biological imperative to create sweet, sweet honey. What’s your imperative Leo? Or more importantly, what imperative have you been guilty of stifling?

AUG 23 - SEP 22
I trust you now, Virgo. I used to not. I think it had something to do with the pantsuits and see-through bandaids. But you’ve earned some real credit lately with your tireless devotion to those around you. You may not even realize it, but your very presence, as manifested by a particular set of chemical emissions, is as potent a relaxant as old-fashioned valium. You are the perfect pill.

SEP 23 - OCT 22
Cutting the fat. In all elements of life there exists a great deal of extra stuff: words, condiments, overweight relief pitchers, to name but a few. The world is a needlessly complicated place, a set of diversions leaving us a thousand miles distant from where we really want to be. And where do we want to be? Wrapped in the warm arms of our best memory. Oh Libra, hold me!

You don’t always end up where you thought you would. In fact, you pretty much never do. Don’t worry, I’m not going to go and start prattling on about being content with wherever you find yourself in the universe. No Sagittarius, you need to cling to that one perfect vision of yourself and fight every second of your waking life to get as close to it as you can. Goddamn!

You’ve been swell the last few weeks. A real mensch you know? But I feel like you’re hiding something. What’s going on? What’s wrong with you? Are you hearing voices again? Look Aquarius, normalcy, or at least presenting the illusion of normalcy, is really overrated. Let those voices sing, introduce them, have them harmonize. Try starting with ‘Blinded by the Light’. Great tune.

DEC 22 - JAN 19
Out in the frozen tundra, you need your wits. You also need a cloak of invisibility. Seriously, if the polar bears see you, they will eat you. I’m currently writing this from inside a bear’s belly. Capricorn, have you been hiding my medication? Sometimes I think it’s important to take things that will make your life better, even if you think it’ll give you an upset tummy.

JAN 20 - FEB 18
You’ve been swell the last few weeks. A real mensch you know? But I feel like you’re hiding something. What’s going on? What’s wrong with you? Are you hearing voices again? Look Aquarius, normalcy, or at least presenting the illusion of normalcy, is really overrated. Let those voices sing, introduce them, have them harmonize. Try starting with ‘Blinded by the Light’. Great tune.

FEB 19 - MAR 20
So it turns out that gorillas actually use tools to improve their lives. And I’m not talking about sticks or rocks to get yummy termites out of trees, I mean cordless power screwdrivers and portable depilatory gurneys. Pretty shocking huh? But it just goes to show you Pisces, you don’t really know someone until you lived with them in the jungle and eaten grubs together.

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