Wednesday, October 12, 2005

Horoscope

Posted By on Wed, Oct 12, 2005 at 12:00 AM

ARIES MAR 21 - APR 19 
When driving across the Great Plains I am prone to daydreams. On the last trip, I had some puzzling moments involving you, Aries. In one episode, you seemed to be asking for love-life advice; in the next, you wanted to drop everything and isolate yourself in the woods. Needless to say, I told the Dream-You that you can’t have both. Love means getting your hands dirty in the real world. Sorry.

TAURUS APR 20 - MAY 20
Can you imagine if the rock ‘n’ roll 27 year olds had lived? Cobain, Joplin, Hendrix, Hank Williams? Maybe they’d be on a weird reality show, or shepherding competing infomercials, I don’t know, but the world would be a vastly different place. Maybe in this alternate world you would actually give a damn, Taurus, instead of honky-tonking every gol’ durn night. Take it easy wontcha?

GEMNI MAY 21 - JUNE 20
You sir, are out of order! You and your entire system! And by system, I mean the emotional base-4 numerology you cling to, in this brutally base-10 world. Confused? I’m talking about mathematics, or as the British might say, maths. Still confused? Ok Gemini, here it is: you are an emotional illiterate who wouldn’t know a little projected warmth if it baked you like a popover.

CANCER
JUNE 21 - JULY 22
Well, the season of long shadows is upon us. Footsteps in the attic, laughter in the dark — all kinds of creepy developments in the offing. The creepiest of which is your unusual need to be at the center of attention. But where I’d normally chastise you for your vainglorious egocentricity, I applaud it. We would all do well to warm ourselves in your self-generated glow. Keep shining.

LEO JULY 23 - AUG 22
The bumblebee leads a pretty swell life, buzzing around all those pretty flowers, fat and content, making honey to make us all happy. What is his secret? Focus. That’s all it is. The simple concentration borne of an overpowering biological imperative to create sweet, sweet honey. What’s your imperative Leo? Or more importantly, what imperative have you been guilty of stifling?

VIRGO
AUG 23 - SEP 22
I trust you now, Virgo. I used to not. I think it had something to do with the pantsuits and see-through bandaids. But you’ve earned some real credit lately with your tireless devotion to those around you. You may not even realize it, but your very presence, as manifested by a particular set of chemical emissions, is as potent a relaxant as old-fashioned valium. You are the perfect pill.

LIBRA
SEP 23 - OCT 22
Cutting the fat. In all elements of life there exists a great deal of extra stuff: words, condiments, overweight relief pitchers, to name but a few. The world is a needlessly complicated place, a set of diversions leaving us a thousand miles distant from where we really want to be. And where do we want to be? Wrapped in the warm arms of our best memory. Oh Libra, hold me!

SCORPIO OCT 23 - NOV 21
You don’t always end up where you thought you would. In fact, you pretty much never do. Don’t worry, I’m not going to go and start prattling on about being content with wherever you find yourself in the universe. No Sagittarius, you need to cling to that one perfect vision of yourself and fight every second of your waking life to get as close to it as you can. Goddamn!

SAGITTARIUS NOV 22 - DEC 21
You’ve been swell the last few weeks. A real mensch you know? But I feel like you’re hiding something. What’s going on? What’s wrong with you? Are you hearing voices again? Look Aquarius, normalcy, or at least presenting the illusion of normalcy, is really overrated. Let those voices sing, introduce them, have them harmonize. Try starting with ‘Blinded by the Light’. Great tune.

CAPRICORN
DEC 22 - JAN 19
Out in the frozen tundra, you need your wits. You also need a cloak of invisibility. Seriously, if the polar bears see you, they will eat you. I’m currently writing this from inside a bear’s belly. Capricorn, have you been hiding my medication? Sometimes I think it’s important to take things that will make your life better, even if you think it’ll give you an upset tummy.

AQUARIUS
JAN 20 - FEB 18
You’ve been swell the last few weeks. A real mensch you know? But I feel like you’re hiding something. What’s going on? What’s wrong with you? Are you hearing voices again? Look Aquarius, normalcy, or at least presenting the illusion of normalcy, is really overrated. Let those voices sing, introduce them, have them harmonize. Try starting with ‘Blinded by the Light’. Great tune.

PISCES
FEB 19 - MAR 20
So it turns out that gorillas actually use tools to improve their lives. And I’m not talking about sticks or rocks to get yummy termites out of trees, I mean cordless power screwdrivers and portable depilatory gurneys. Pretty shocking huh? But it just goes to show you Pisces, you don’t really know someone until you lived with them in the jungle and eaten grubs together.

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