ARIES MAR 21 - APR 19 
Did you know that something like 75 percent of Americans believe in angels and Hell and other weird kinds of stuff? As an astrologer, I consider myself firmly entrenched on the side of hard science and clear-eyed reason, and I’m sick of these wackos and their pseudo-mystical agenda. Aries, it’s time to start believing in what you see; everything else is just smoke.

TAURUS APR 20 - MAY 20
Boo! Pretty scary huh? It’s the creepiest time of the year for all of us Taurus, but especially for you right now, haunted as you are by a lifetime of not quite getting what you want. Well, since it’s also dress-up time, maybe you should think about a permanent costume change. Try donning a mantle of aggressive, bulletproof confidence this Halloween — but don’t ever take it off!

GEMNI MAY 21 - JUNE 20
Do you think you could spend a million dollars in a day, if you were limited to increments no greater than 200 dollars? I think you could. You’re pretty stubborn in your profligacy, spending your emotional energy on useless things, as if it flowed from a ceaseless font. Maybe you should think about a new economic model for your spendthrift life? You need a spiritual budget.

CANCER JUNE 21 - JULY 22
Phantom limbs are cool. Most of the time they occur in the place of a leg or arm that is no longer with us. But did you know they can sometimes pop up anywhere? I think I have an arm sprouting forth from between my shoulder blades, and it keeps pointing right at you Cancer. It also seems to be giving you the thumbs up signal. What have you done lately that’s so good? Figure it out.

LEO JULY 23 - AUG 22
Body suits. Overalls. Unitards. Dear Leo, the time has come to simplify your wardrobe, to remove that extra daily stress that arises each time you’re forced to fumble through a collection of clothing that never feels quite right. With the purchase of seven identical monochromatic haz-mat suits, you’ll never have to worry. And maybe you’ll become the leader of your own cult!

VIRGO AUG 23 - SEP 22
People are pretty damn silly. Even when they take themselves super seriously, they manage, in their boundless vanity, to say dumb things. But Virgo, you’re refreshingly self-aware about the innate silliness of the human condition, and you seem to have no problem saying dumb things all the time! Are you aware of how dumb you sound most of the time? Just asking.  

LIBRA SEP 23 - OCT 22
Have you ever noticed how people keep their umbrellas open even when they’re walking beneath scaffolding or awnings or in pedestrian tunnels? People will just stick with the status quo because it’s easier, instead of taking that extra logical step to make their lives better. Changing is hard Libra, but it can be worth it. For example, changing the light bulb in the front hall would be nice.

SCORPIO OCT 23 - NOV 21
Bully for Harold “Grumps” Pinter winning the Nobel Prize for literature. Sure he’s given up  writing to pursue a brand of political activism many find abrasive — so what? He’s taking advantage of a position of public notoriety  earned through hard work and talent to speak about what’s important to him. We should all be so lucky. Oh yeah, Scorpio, try to avoid elevators this month.

SAGITTARIUS NOV 22 - DEC 21
Falling in love is harder than it looks. Infatuation is easy — it’s two-dimensional, an itch that needs to be scratched. But the real deal is a three-dimensional experience you can feel in the inner ear, in the center of the top of your head and in the depth of the other’s voice as they say your name in the middle of the night. Damn Sagittarius! You need to fall in love. Go get your heart broken.

CAPRICORN DEC 22 - JAN 19
A good country waltz, a fine glass of wine — essential to any decent life. When’s the last time you really enjoyed either? The last time for me involved too many of the latter, which led to rage-filled demands for the former. Actually, when’s the last time you made rage-filled demands for anything, Capricorn? You’re so damn far from your inner feelings. You should drink more.

AQUARIUS JAN 20 - FEB 18
Put yourself in the place of others for a day, Aquarius. Each person you meet tomorrow, (who you speak to) I want you to pause and really try to imagine who they are, where they’ve come from, where they want to be in the world, and how they might perceive you in the context of that wished-for world. Then I want you to drink a Gimlet as fast as you can. Yeehaw!

PISCES FEB 19 - MAR 20
Imagine a world run by gymnasts? You can’t can you? Ok, how about Graeco-Roman wrestlers? Yes? There would be vats of oil and buckets of talc on every street corner, and wrestling tights would come with every new bank account, and public spaces would have all kinds of mats everywhere. But you’d still be sad, wouldn’t you Pisces? Why is that? Why can’t you be happy?