Wednesday, November 23, 2005

Horoscope

Posted By on Wed, Nov 23, 2005 at 12:00 AM

ARIES MAR 21 - APR 19
S.N.A.F.U.: Situation Normal, All Fucked Up. Truly, a very useful acronym. Know what else is useful? Y.A.T.O.S.I.T.: You Ain’t the Only Show in Town. Also: Q.W.A.E.D.L.S.T.: Quit Worrying About Every Damn Little Thing; and P.O.O.P.T.: Perhaps Other Options Present Themselves. But you should avoid A.A.A.B.: Aries Are Always Arrogant Bastards. Ok?

TAURUS APR 20 - MAY 20
Oh raise a glass to the glorious handclap and all it has done for popular music; to all the times it has moved us to dance around in our underwear, or send random notes of approbation to people who thought we’d forgotten them. Taurus, even if you don’t have a pop song playing in the background, you too can pick up the mood by simply clapping your hands. Try it! Clap. Clap. Clap-clap-clap!

GEMINI MAY 21 - JUNE 20
Time isn’t really a river. It’s more like a big empty building awaiting demolition. But in this sad empty building, amidst the cobwebby chairs and shattered mirror glass, there exist tiny cubbyholes lined with fun-fur, stocked with candy and happiness and all the goodness any soul desires. But Gemini, if you stop too often to look at yourself in the mirror shards, you’ll miss the fun.

CANCER JUNE 21 - JULY 22
I know, Cancer, that situations occasionally arise from which you’d dearly love to disappear: not enough money at the checkout, running into your ex at the movies, getting your brand new plaid muffler caught in an industrial cheese grater — so what do you do? Think of the place in which you were most happy, and in time, you will find yourself there. And all will be well.

LEO JULY 23 - AUG 22
You can’t treat a boy like a man. You can’t treat a dog like a cat. You can’t treat a casual invitation like an impassioned declaration of eternal friendship. I feel, Leo, that you’ve been misreading the external world lately, interpreting the signs to suit your own very specific needs, an approach that will lead to the gravest of internal disasters. Self-honesty is really the greatest of virtues. Try some.

VIRGO AUG 23 - SEP 22
Stranded on a beach. Caught beneath an awning in a foreign city. Stuck in a smelly cab. We all get stuck in irremediable circumstances, moments in which we must abdicate personal responsibility, when we must accept our trap as a fact of existence. Though frankly Virgo, I hardly see how being caught beneath an awning in a foreign city could be called a “trap.” Spoiled brat.

LIBRA SEP 23 - OCT 22
One night in the 1920s, at the height of Prohibition-era hedonism, all the player pianos in New York City came alive in a clamorous rhapsody of inanimate liberation. To this day, no one knows  what happened, but everyone agrees it was a good time. There’ve been some inexplicable good times in your life recently, huh Libra? And you know what? They’re just gonna keep on coming.

SCORPIO OCT 23 - NOV 21
Dendrochronology dear heart, the study of trees based on their rings. It’s what you need. Fast. You need to look at the core sample of a hundred-year-old walnut tree and understand that life is no more the sum of its littlest rings, its smallest temporal divisions. You’re existing in one of those divisions right now… what are you going to make of it? You gotta try, Scorpio.

SAGITTARIUS NOV 22 - DEC 21
So easily do we throw away our happiness. We cast it off our backs like an old coat on top of a bonfire, and we watch it ember up into the night sky. Boy that’s sad. Are you sad Sagittarius? I don’t mean sad that the Knicks lost, or that there’s a mystery stain on your favorite jumpsuit — I mean fundamentally sad at the realities of human existence? You’re not? Well congratu-fucking-lations.

CAPRICORN DEC 22 - JAN 19
How’s your personal theme song working out for you these days Cappy? Is it giving you adequate boom-bap when you enter a room? If I recall, you switched to a kind of droney Jesus and Mary Chain-style number. That was stupid — everyone knows that Motown yields the best in personal theme songs, because you need to be struttin’ that stuff as much as possible. Work it.

AQUARIUS JAN 20 - FEB 18
I dreamt you were wearing a Gérard Depardieu suit. That’s right Aquarius, I was sitting there in my local saloon and Depardieu sits down beside me and tells me he’s not happy with his career choices after Green Card. And then he started to laugh-cry, and pulled off his jowly mug to reveal your sweet face. Boy, I was flabbergasted, but you just told me it was all going to be ok. Thanks for that.

PISCES FEB 19 - MAR 20
It feels good to try. To really put yourself on the line. But none of us seem to do that much of it anymore, we’re too busy accreting what we believe to be “stuff of life,” whatever that is. Hey, do you remember that Christian Slater movie Pump Up the Volume, with that irritating, pontificating outsider kid? Man, I hated that kid. Pisces, don’t be like that kid. Have some fun.











Wednesday, November 9, 2005

Horoscope

Posted By on Wed, Nov 9, 2005 at 12:00 AM

ARIES MAR 21 - APR 19
Love is a tricky thing ain’t it, Aries? It fills up whatever cup you decide to stick out from beneath the verandah roof as the rain throws itself at the old wheelbarrow and the trees all bend together in one direction and the power goes out at your back and the house goes dark and all you’re left with is a dripping tin cup. But somehow, the cup is beautiful to you. And that’s why they call it love.

TAURUS APR 20 - MAY 20
If they made a DVD of your life Taurus, what would the special features be? If there were a director’s commentary, what would you say about the casting? Sure, you can blame the editor, you can blame the wardrobe department, but in the end, if that lead actor isn’t hitting his or her cues, the picture is going to be a failure. Maybe you need to go over the script a bit, take five in your trailer.

GEMNI MAY 21 - JUNE 20
Maybe gravity is all made up? Maybe we’re all just floating around in big dish of sweet, syrupy ether? If that’s the case Gemini, you’ve got some catching up to do. You need to go back through each year of your life and pick out a “hero” and a “villain,” someone who’s changed your life for better and for worse. And then you need to write them an honest letter. I’m serious.

CANCER JUNE 21 - JULY 22
You’ve been great lately, Cancer. Really, I mean it. But we all know that a person can’t keep up the smiles and the optimism forever — or do we? I had an Aunt Gerda who refused to ever show a crack of disappointment in her life, despite living through two awful wars and one awful divorce. She always had a kind word for everyone she met… if she can, you can too.

LEO JULY 23 - AUG 22
What do you see when you look in the mirror Leo? No, don’t answer that, it’s stupid, you’ll just lie to yourself. When I look at you Leo, I see a person trying their hardest to navigate a dangerous, murky world, a humble individual who just wants a little sunshine in their lives, nothing more than their fair share. I also see someone in desperate need of some new winter-wear — get shopping!

VIRGO AUG 23 - SEP 22
Forgetfulness is a blessing. Can you imagine if you remembered every single moment of your life? It would be a living hell. But that’s why I can’t understand people who photograph every single goddamn second of life, isolating and freezing the mundane into horrible, badly lit rectangles. So stop it Virgo, it’s ok to let the memories fade into an indeterminate haze. It’s simpler that way.

LIBRA SEP 23 - OCT 22
The telegraph was the best. It really made you decide what was important in your communications, forced you to boil down what you needed to say into a distillate of pure, potent clarity. Now, with the electronic mail and the blogosphering, everything’s all logorrheic and whatnot. Libra, nobody says what they mean! What do you mean? Why’d you run out the other night? What’s up?

SCORPIO
OCT 23 - NOV 21
If only you could tuck yourself in; if only you could brush back the hair from your eyes while you were sleeping; if only you could hide for yourself a secret note that said something like “I love you and think you’re special.” Sadly Scorpio, you cannot, and that’s why you gotta get out there and meet someone. I don’t care if you’re busy or if it seems too daunting. Everybody needs somebody.

SAGITTARIUS NOV 22 - DEC 21
Winter tree climbing isn’t as ludicrous as it sounds; nor is maraschino stew. What is ludicrous is your current fixation with death and the afterlife. C’mon, big deal! “Everything dies baby, that’s a fact, but maybe everything that dies someday comes back.” As pretty as that may be, Sagittarius, it just ain’t true. Heaven mediates nothing. The meek are doomed. You need to overcome now!

CAPRICORN DEC 22 - JAN 19
Some days you just gotta strut like a good long guitar solo, really hit it in the pocket and sell it like you mean it. You may be breaking on the inside, shattering like a brittle pane of antique glass over and over again, but I tell ya Cappy, if you fake it enough, the superficial exterior of joie de vivre starts to osmose inward and all of a sudden you wake up one day and you’re happy!

AQUARIUS JAN 20 - FEB 18
A getaway car, a shiv, a peach: all sexy things. A doodle of Spiro Agnew, kreplach and the word “putative”: all unsexy things. Which are you Aquarius? If only it were as easy as being one or the other, a putative peach, or a doodle of a shiv. But then being sexy is all about variety isn’t it? So if you’d just open up to something new over the fortnight, I think your problems will be solved.

PISCES FEB 19 - MAR 20
Some people are banjo players and some people are really just hammer dulcimer players. The latter are actually really mean-spirited and kind of evil; they’ll steal your bus seat sooner then they’d look at you. So Pisces, my earnest advice to you for this issue is to stay the fuck away from hammer dulcimer players, lest they steal your soul or throw rocks at your exposed feet.

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