ARIES MAR 21 - APR 19
S.N.A.F.U.: Situation Normal, All Fucked Up. Truly, a very useful acronym. Know what else is useful? Y.A.T.O.S.I.T.: You Ain’t the Only Show in Town. Also: Q.W.A.E.D.L.S.T.: Quit Worrying About Every Damn Little Thing; and P.O.O.P.T.: Perhaps Other Options Present Themselves. But you should avoid A.A.A.B.: Aries Are Always Arrogant Bastards. Ok?
TAURUS APR 20 - MAY 20
Oh raise a glass to the glorious handclap and all it has done for popular music; to all the times it has moved us to dance around in our underwear, or send random notes of approbation to people who thought we’d forgotten them. Taurus, even if you don’t have a pop song playing in the background, you too can pick up the mood by simply clapping your hands. Try it! Clap. Clap. Clap-clap-clap!
GEMINI MAY 21 - JUNE 20
Time isn’t really a river. It’s more like a big empty building awaiting demolition. But in this sad empty building, amidst the cobwebby chairs and shattered mirror glass, there exist tiny cubbyholes lined with fun-fur, stocked with candy and happiness and all the goodness any soul desires. But Gemini, if you stop too often to look at yourself in the mirror shards, you’ll miss the fun.
CANCER JUNE 21 - JULY 22
I know, Cancer, that situations occasionally arise from which you’d dearly love to disappear: not enough money at the checkout, running into your ex at the movies, getting your brand new plaid muffler caught in an industrial cheese grater — so what do you do? Think of the place in which you were most happy, and in time, you will find yourself there. And all will be well.
LEO JULY 23 - AUG 22
You can’t treat a boy like a man. You can’t treat a dog like a cat. You can’t treat a casual invitation like an impassioned declaration of eternal friendship. I feel, Leo, that you’ve been misreading the external world lately, interpreting the signs to suit your own very specific needs, an approach that will lead to the gravest of internal disasters. Self-honesty is really the greatest of virtues. Try some.
VIRGO AUG 23 - SEP 22
Stranded on a beach. Caught beneath an awning in a foreign city. Stuck in a smelly cab. We all get stuck in irremediable circumstances, moments in which we must abdicate personal responsibility, when we must accept our trap as a fact of existence. Though frankly Virgo, I hardly see how being caught beneath an awning in a foreign city could be called a “trap.” Spoiled brat.
LIBRA SEP 23 - OCT 22
One night in the 1920s, at the height of Prohibition-era hedonism, all the player pianos in New York City came alive in a clamorous rhapsody of inanimate liberation. To this day, no one knows what happened, but everyone agrees it was a good time. There’ve been some inexplicable good times in your life recently, huh Libra? And you know what? They’re just gonna keep on coming.
SCORPIO OCT 23 - NOV 21
Dendrochronology dear heart, the study of trees based on their rings. It’s what you need. Fast. You need to look at the core sample of a hundred-year-old walnut tree and understand that life is no more the sum of its littlest rings, its smallest temporal divisions. You’re existing in one of those divisions right now… what are you going to make of it? You gotta try, Scorpio.
SAGITTARIUS NOV 22 - DEC 21
So easily do we throw away our happiness. We cast it off our backs like an old coat on top of a bonfire, and we watch it ember up into the night sky. Boy that’s sad. Are you sad Sagittarius? I don’t mean sad that the Knicks lost, or that there’s a mystery stain on your favorite jumpsuit — I mean fundamentally sad at the realities of human existence? You’re not? Well congratu-fucking-lations.
CAPRICORN DEC 22 - JAN 19
How’s your personal theme song working out for you these days Cappy? Is it giving you adequate boom-bap when you enter a room? If I recall, you switched to a kind of droney Jesus and Mary Chain-style number. That was stupid — everyone knows that Motown yields the best in personal theme songs, because you need to be struttin’ that stuff as much as possible. Work it.
AQUARIUS JAN 20 - FEB 18
I dreamt you were wearing a Gérard Depardieu suit. That’s right Aquarius, I was sitting there in my local saloon and Depardieu sits down beside me and tells me he’s not happy with his career choices after Green Card. And then he started to laugh-cry, and pulled off his jowly mug to reveal your sweet face. Boy, I was flabbergasted, but you just told me it was all going to be ok. Thanks for that.
PISCES FEB 19 - MAR 20
It feels good to try. To really put yourself on the line. But none of us seem to do that much of it anymore, we’re too busy accreting what we believe to be “stuff of life,” whatever that is. Hey, do you remember that Christian Slater movie Pump Up the Volume, with that irritating, pontificating outsider kid? Man, I hated that kid. Pisces, don’t be like that kid. Have some fun.