ARIES MAR 21 - APR 19
You’re sitting by the window. The sun has set and the seabirds are coming inland, curiously silent. There is red in the sky, in that part where it meets the coming night. You look back, back into the furthest, forgotten parts of your life and it is tiring to see how much life you have led. Aries, do you have it in you to keep on? To put one foot in front of the other? Yes. You. Do.
TAURUS APR 20 - MAY 20
One of the more aesthetically challenged words in the language is “panties.” It manages to be dirty without being sexy — which is plain wrong. File under other wrong things: vegetarian cheesesteak, rollerblade hockey and your notion, Taurus, that if you ignore the problem it’ll go away. Most of the time that’s true, but not in this case. Quick, before it bites you in the ass, deal with it.
GEMINI MAY 21 - JUNE 20
Money. Unfortunately we need it. Only the very rich believe that shit about happiness not being for sale. Frankly, even if the good life can’t be bought, the bad life can be bought out of. But then again, Gemini, your fixation with things pecuniary has, of late, been exceedingly garish: check-splitting to the ha’penny, drinking no-name orange soda… c’mon, you’ll be fine, don’t be such a miser.
CANCER JUNE 21 - JULY 22
You’ve found yourself in some pretty sticky wickets, Cancer. Real tight spots. And though you’ve acquitted yourself well some of the time, I think you need to revise your crisis strategies. Try this: next time you find your back up against the proverbial wall of spikes, just start singing ‘Kiss’ by Prince, in the craziest, funkiest falsetto you’ve got. Trust me, the pain will dissipate.
LEO JULY 23 - AUG 22
Candy canes and bawdy limericks. Walking sticks and bar stools. Skipping-stones and love notes in the linen closet. The world is full of beautiful, unusual pairings. Take your own circumstances, Leo. I won’t pretend to know the exact details, but somewhere in your life such a pair exists, and I sense that you’ve been neglecting it, taking it for granted. And, d’uh, that’s a stupid thing to do!
VIRGO AUG 23 - SEP 22
Said the clam to the peppershaker: “Time is immaterial when you’re waiting for nothing.” Said the peppershaker to the clam: “Thyme is ethereal when you’re making stuffing.” Said the clam to the astrologer: “Holy shit, this conceit is labored.” Said the astrologer to Virgo: “Have you thought about cutting back on the trans fats and the crappy TV?” Have you? Me to you, seriously: Have you?
LIBRA SEP 23 - OCT 22
I think about your upcoming month Libra, and all I can see is a pair of klieg lights. I can’t tell whether they’re illuminating a glamorous premier or chasing after your shadowy heels during an ill-advised jailbreak. The point is, I guess, the spotlight is going to be all over you, every inch of your existence — but will it be positive, or negative? It’s up to you.
SCORPIO OCT 23 - NOV 21
Well Scorpio, rumor has it that you’ve been trying to write your own horoscopes. And while I find it charming that you would dare venture into the murky realm of the haruspex, I worry that you’re out of your depth. To grapple with the power of the future is to face one’s deepest fears and touch bottom in the wading pool of expectation. Do you have any idea what I’m talking about? Lil’ help?
SAGITTARIUS NOV 22 - DEC 21
We were all once superstars. To our parents. To our one friend who was always a level down from us in the social pecking order, who we kept around because they made us feel smarter/prettier/taller. But now, as adults, we are not superstars (unless we actually are, which is a whole other subsection of hell). But maybe Sagittarius, just acting like the world is at your feet is enough. Maybe.
CAPRICORN DEC 22 - JAN 19
Pessimism, publicly expressed, is ridiculous. It’s just a declamation of neediness, of concern that one isn’t being taken seriously. Gloom and doom makes all the headlines and gets people’s attention — but it doesn’t really accomplish much, does it Capricorn? Every time you feel compelled to make a pissy comment about how tough things are, try just complimenting someone.
AQUARIUS JAN 20 - FEB 18
I read in a book that Aquarians are descended from aliens. But not the crazy tentacled kind, the ones who are just a little bit off in the head, the ones who are eccentric and opinionated and impulsive and plain old kooky — that’s right, I’m talking about Plutonians. I don’t necessarily believe this book, but it does make a lot of sense, doesn’t it? (If you are an actual alien, please don’t probe me.
PISCES FEB 19 - MAR 20
You’ve heard of bibliomancy? The parlor distraction whereby a person lets the pages flip randomly and the sentence upon which the finger falls reveals something about the future? Ok, whatever. Television-o-mancy! Tonight, after you’ve read this Pisces, I want you to begin at 8pm and turn to channel 27 (your past); 8:40, channel 51 (your present); and 9:09, channel 7 (your future!)