ARIES MAR 20 — APR 19
Don’t forget that everybody must give something back. The world these days (or maybe it has always been like this) is all about taking what you can get, now, for yourself. But you remember the Collyer brothers, don’t you Aries? Crushed by their own possessions after a lifetime of hoarding and coveting? Divest yourself of excess, before it’s way too late.
TAURUS APR 20 — MAY 20
Do you ever dream, Taurus, that you’re an early 19th-century missionary to the South Seas, with one eye and a taste for marzipan? Or an idiot-savant teddy bear on roller skates offering wisdom to world leaders in exchange for massages? Look, our dreams are important to us, but sometimes we just have to ignore them and confront the real, waking world of daily existence.
GEMINI MAY 21 — JUNE 20
You’re humming right now, Taurus. You are an electric current. A beam of fire. An intergalactic pulse of pure energy: unstoppable, magnificent, golden, godlike. So it is with much consternation that I discover you not taking full advantage of this dormant power. I mean crikey, life is limiting enough, so there ain’t no sense in doing it to yourself.
CANCER JUNE 21 — JULY 22
Domestic banality can overwhelm us so easily, so sneakily. Before you know it, you’re congratulating yourself for rearranging the closet, as if that oh-so-minor act of manipulating meaningless objects counts as an accomplishment. What happened to us Cancer? Where did we lose the poetry, the vitality of the great world? Vacuuming does not make you a hero.
LEO JULY 23 — AUG 22
The criminal mind doesn’t need crime to express itself. Goose is harder to cook than duck. The tide comes and goes, but the ocean’s always there. Salt pork ain’t what it was the morning after the night before. Aphorisms! Make one up yourself, Leo! It’s a lot of fun and it makes you feel smarter. You can also create one for any given situation you find yourself in. Try it!
VIRGO AUG 23 — SEP 22
This ain’t nothing. We’ve been through rougher patches than this. By we, I mean the entire human population of the Earth. Think about it. Human beings have survived the terrors of the dinosaur era, the total chilliness of the Ice Age, the grand ickiness of the Flying Saucer Invasions of the 1950s — throw a crisis at us, and we’ll beat it. This goes for you too Virgo.
LIBRA SEP 23 — OCT 22
Sometimes it seems like the lips are an awful long way from the heart. Libra, you are going to die some day, and the things you have left unsaid will fill volumes and the great celestial librarian will put those volumes on the shelf and shake his head at you, wishing you could have said more and lightened his load. Do you get where I’m going with this ol’ buddy? Just tell them how you feel.
SCORPIO OCT 23 — NOV 21
I recently contemplated employing a cane as an accessory. Not that I require the use of one — I’m still spry after all — but I figure the world is suffering from a singular absence of elegance, and rather than be a part of the problem, I wanted to be part of the solution. But Scorpio, people kept offering me their seats on buses. Damn it. Sometimes you just can’t recreate the past. Give it up.
SAGITTARIUS NOV 22 — DEC 21
Feel like you’re not going to make it? Well you aren’t. You’re already here! It’s true Sagittarius, you’ve always been here, exactly where you are! Which is to say all this striving is gonna’ kill you old pal. Not sleeping for three days, learning Finnish, getting a “supplemental” degree in the same subject you already majored in, except from a different college? Crazy shit dude.
CAPRICORN DEC 22 — JAN 19
Walking through a quiet meadow, fauns gavotte to the left, hoary boars pavane to the right, light breezes commingle with a fine sunny mist… is this your vision of Heaven, Capricorn? Or is it an elaborate trap you’ve set for me? Do you even know anymore? Look, before you step over the edge, I think you need to drink some tea. Killing me isn’t going to make things better. (Or will it?)
AQUARIUS JAN 20 — FEB 18
I knew an old woman in my native village who ate nothing but roses in summer and icicles in winter. And sometimes she would wander out into the deep woods and climb trees naked. (I saw once, with a group of my little friends. Scary stuff.) Ok, I confess — it was my mother. Aquarius, have you ever carried around a shameful secret for a long, long time? It feels great to share.
PISCES FEB 19 — MAR 20
Life can get kinda verse, chorus, verse, chorus, verse, bridge, chorus. But what if it was all bridge all the time?! Wouldn’t that fucking rock? Every day would feature some new and wacky event to enlighten and entertain, and your head would hit the pillow full of fantastic hopes and dreams. Jesus, that actually sounds pretty oppressive, doesn’t it Pisces? Second verse, same as the first.