Wednesday, July 30, 2008

Horoscope

Posted By on Wed, Jul 30, 2008 at 12:00 AM

ARIES MAR 21 — APR 19

We roam the aisles of the great grocery stores like ibexes in search of watering holes, wary of malevolent hyenas, pausing ever so briefly to roll away our trouble in the dust of the noble savannah. Ecosystems form themselves everywhere, unbidden, chaos shifting into order into chaos… Aries, do you hate food shopping? Me too. You should try fasting, it may bring you peace.

TAURUS
 APR 20 — MAY 20

There goes your only friend, Taurus. Somewhere in your life someone is drifting away and you don’t even realize how great they are. Sure, you have a bunch of new friends, and life seems really exciting right now, but your indifference to this one person may come back to haunt you. So pay attention, take stock, and make it right. (Btw, it’s me! I’m the one! Pay attention to me!)

GEMINI 
MAY 21 — JUNE 20

Yes, I know, you can drown in a bathtub if the conditions are right. But holy shit, Gemini, you can drown in the ocean, too, so why aren’t there more signs to warn us? The most dangerous things in life are still all around us: heartbreak, papercuts, cowlicks, waxy build up… How is it all to be borne? The only viable solution is lots and lots of padding. So, get stuffing or get a boo-boo.

CANCER 
JUNE 21 — JULY 22

You know what I love more than casserole? Just sitting back and jamming a mellow groove on my electric piano. I’m kind of the Harry Connick Jr. of my apartment building. Sometimes, when I’m feeling bold and bluesy, I’ll trundle my “twinkler” onto the balcony and serenade the inner courtyard (hi Doug!). If you make just one person happy today, Cancer, it’s been worth it.

LEO JULY 23 — AUG 22

There’s a new trend sweeping northeast New Jersey: forest poker. I know, I know, you brought her you poker — hahaha. Shut up. Seriously, Jersey dudes be wandering into the woods with cards and just throwing down the Texas Hold ‘Em. Just when you thought the world made sense, Leo, some new monkey wrench comes flying through the window and dings you on the noggin.

VIRGO AUG 23 — SEP 22

Everyone knows you shouldn’t get totally drunk if you plan on stealing a boat. It’s really one of the first things they teach you at theft school. Look, seriously, having an addictive personality isn’t all fun and games. Do you sometimes find yourself haggling with an open bottle of Vermouth over the price of gum? Sad. We all need help sometimes, Virgo. Go get some.

LIBRA SEP 23 — OCT 22

“Oh, I’m sorry, are you still here? I didn’t see you there behind the terrarium. I’m afraid we’re closing shortly. Is there anything I can do for you that won’t take longer than five minutes?” Has this happened to you, Libra? If so, you clearly suffer from being almost crazy, and you should really stop hiding from everyone. Even if you shut your eyes, the scary world is still there.

SCORPIO
 OCT 23 — NOV 21

I cannot get me ENOUGH cowbells. When I wake up, when I’m riding on my Vespa, when I’m eating mussels by the beach, when I’m trapping pheasants with my hands… They help me get through each and every day. Scorpio, do you have a magical percussive element that inspires and protects you? I think it’s really important to collect as many meaningless talismans as possible.

SAGITTARIUS NOV 22 — DEC 21

I used to be obsessed with the last words I’d ever say. I know we don’t all get the chance to actually plan our final speech, but as medical science advances at a dizzying pace it becomes ever more likely I’ll have the chance to utter something profound and unforgettable as I drift off into the great dark sea of eternity. And those words? “Sagittarius, love’s a comin’!”

CAPRICORN 
DEC 22 — JAN 19

I see that wry little smile on your face. Don’t think you can fool me into thinking you feel nothing. I don’t have these goofy antennae taped to my helmet for nothing — I can see things others can’t. And I can tell, Capricorn, that you know a hell of a lot more than you’re letting on. Are you storing it all up to use in the future? Or are you just that tight-lipped? C’mon, let me in!

AQUARIUS JAN 20 — FEB 18

Despite what infomercials and Prussian fairy tales tell us, people can change. It’s choosing to change that’s the hard part. For example, science has repeatedly told us that some people have the ability to fly, and yet we choose not to because of the insurance premiums. Is this timidity any way to live? No it is not, Aquarius. That’s why we should just fly away.

PISCES FEB 19 — MAR 20

What’s with dogs wearing hats these days? I’ve seen a whole bunch of breeds — from Mastiff to Maltese — sporting a variety of hats, from beanie to homburg. Hell, I’ll admit it’s cute, but I think the hats are impairing the dogs’ hearing, because none of them will listen to me. Pisces, beware of overinterpreting external data as contingent upon yourself. That’s paranoiac narcissism.

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