ARIES MAR 21 — APR 19
Red Rover was my favorite game when I was a lad in Lappland. Except we called it “Rott Roentgen.” Oh, that beautiful moment, breaking through the pale, clasped hands of my friends, the revelation of human frailty matched with the promise of renewal and warmth. Dear Aries, dear Aries, I call you over… run, Aries, run! Maybe you will break through, maybe not. Oh, but just to try…
TAURUS APR 20 — MAY 20
Nature is beautiful. There’s nothing quite so breathtaking as cresting a hill and looking out on a perfect pastoral scene. But have you ever gotten really low down on the ground with all the dirt and life and death that surrounds us every second? It’s an ugly inviolate cycle of excression and decay. Sometimes, Taurus, it’s best to maintain a little distance — it allows your illusions to survive.
GEMINI MAY 21 — JUNE 20
A challenge for you, Gemini, for the fall season: Your mission is to find and wear one exciting article of clothing that your friends and family would be surprised by. You may feel silly, you may feel pretentious, but I think you’ve been traveling a little too long in the slow, comfortable lane. Men, think cravat, bolo or casual cumberbund. Ladies, try white gloves, cape or cigarette holder.
CANCER JUNE 21 — JULY 22
Grasslands or jungle? Corvair or Corvette? Ricardo Montalban or George Hamilton? While it is a superficial bit of parlor-room banter, I find a good game of This or That does wonders for the mood. You see, insofar was we face countless options each day, the mere act of choice can be paralyzing. Well, Cancer, when faced with Newman or Brando, you just have to choose.
LEO JULY 23 — AUG 22
Did you hear about the old hermit shut-in dude who obsessively covered the inside of his Westchester home with Venn Diagrams describing every single social dynamic he’d ever experienced? After Archie Spunt, 73, of Pleasantville, NY, died of natural causes, police found the aforementioned drawings alongside thousands of pounds of saltwater taffy. Get outside and get some air, Leo.
VIRGO AUG 23 — SEP 22
What does holiness mean to you, Virgo? Is it a certain kind of detached grace, an inner peace that can withstand the cacophonous assault of daily life? Or is it a refusal to bathe and/or pay for anything? (Seriously, would it kill you to dip into the collection plate to pay for even a portion of your coffee?) Now that God has left us, we’re really going to need to start praying.
LIBRA SEP 23 — OCT 22
One of my favorite items of furniture is a sturdily built chaise longue with a set of wheels attached to the back legs, allowing me to reposition myself to get the most sun at any given moment. This chair also served as temporary accommodation when my house fell three stories into a sinkhole. Life is filled with magical objects, Libra, we just have to take notice.
SCORPIO OCT 23 — NOV 21
What’s with these dudes walking around with no belts? I’m not talking about surfers or hillbillies, I mean regular joes in khakis, their shirts tucked in, their Topsiders buffed — except, without a belt!! I do not like it at all. It makes them look like cheap, molded action figures from South Asia or something. Scorpio, if you see something, say something. And wear a belt!
SAGITTARIUS NOV 22 — DEC 21
An entire summer spent sleeping under a corrugated tin roof will do wonders for your dream life. There’s something deeply meditative about the resonance of raindrops on metal. I’m not particularly “spiritual,” Sagittarius, but I believe that meditative practice, regardless of its connection to the metaphysical, is good for the noodle. So cross your legs, close your eyes and hum.
CAPRICORN DEC 22 — JAN 19
Side saddle isn’t just for girls anymore! Thanks to a revolutionary design involving computers and stuff it’s now totally possible to ride bicycles in true Victorian comfort — with your legs held firmly together, like how God intended! Oh Capricorn, I know you like to ride as fast as you can and take dangerous risks, but have you ever considered that slowing down might be a good thing?
AQUARIUS JAN 20 — FEB 18
Teenagers are so absolutely brimming with pure self: they are narcissistic performers of self-directed angst every moment of the day. It’s kind of magnificent to watch, like standing just a little too close to the bonfire when you have had too many Tequila Sunrises and your poncho catches fire. It’s worth the risk, though, isn’t it, Aquarius? Just to look so cool, by the fire…
PISCES FEB 19 — MAR 20
I knew a Bavarian ballerina named Julia who walked with a cane and once stole 50K from the Yakuza. She was living with a crazy line-cook from Kansas at the time and was trying to get the money together to come to America… The last I saw of her she was waving goodbye at the edge of the dock. It’s amazing, Pisces, in how many ways our lives could’ve turned out differently.