Wednesday, January 7, 2009

Horoscope

Posted By on Wed, Jan 7, 2009 at 12:00 AM

ARIES MAR 21 — APR 19
Fox in the snow! I saw a fox in the snow! It was a fierce orange flash just after dawn, sleuthing down the far side of the valley. I held my breath the whole time, exhaling only when it reached the deep shadow of the forest. The rest of my day was wholly informed by this briefest of interactions with the natural world and I was content. Jeez, Aries, you really gotta get out of the city.

TAURUS APR 20 — MAY 20
There are moments when the future is too deeply with us, when we cannot enjoy the present because all we can see is the irreconcilable end, that sharp instant when the lights come up and the fun ends. Some might say you need to internalize the finitude of existence in order to enjoy it, but I just say, Taurus, that you should take all the batteries out of the clocks and cover your ears.

GEMINI MAY 21 — JUNE 20
“Lover.” Man I hate that word. I don’t even like it when talking about being a “wine-lover” or a “lover of fine cheese.” But I especially hate it as a designation for a romantic relationship. And I know I’m not the only one who doesn’t like it… In fact, I’m pretty sure that nobody likes it and everybody makes fun of it. Which means even my anger isn’t special. Damn it, Gemini.

CANCER JUNE 21 — JULY 22
I spent a week last year being followed around by a Balkan brass band. You see, my great Uncle Nestor bequeathed this odd gift to me in his will, reasoning that if we only had a bit of inspiration, a little more kick in our daily lives, we’d come so much closer to reaching our full potential. And you know what? He was right. (Sorry about all the noise, Cancer. But that was my parking spot.)

LEO JULY 23 — AUG 22
A friend of mine once complained of not being able to start a fight in a bar; his exact words were “You could throw a chair in this place and nobody would bat an eyelid.” I’m not sure why he was so concerned with starting trouble, he just always seemed to need chaos in his life. You see, Leo, each of us has something particular we need from life, the key is figuring out what.

VIRGO AUG 23 — SEP 22
I came across a discarded melotron out back of a bargain supermarket in Ithaca over the holidays, and much to my surprise, when I pressed one of the keys an enormous magical sound issued forth, and time… slowed… down. I took advantage of the phenomenon by stuffing my pockets with red licorice. Happy New Year to me! You see, Virgo, with great power comes much licorice.

LIBRA SEP 23 — OCT 22
This year, Libra, you need to be a little crazier. Think with your heart, not with that fusty old noodle of yours. There will be mistakes and aggravation, but dude, seriously, you’re running out of time — you need to start making some game-changing plays. Running out the clock only applies in football, not life. As do terms like nickel back, intentional grounding and touchback.

SCORPIO OCT 23 — NOV 21
Temptation isn’t going away. The world isn’t going to change in 2009. You are still your own worst enemy, Scorpio. But you know what they say, “Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer,” which, you know, is good, because you’re the enemy in question. So how do you keep yourself close? For starters, you’re going to need more mirrors by your bed. A lot of mirrors.

SAGITTARIUS NOV 22 — DEC 21
Player pianos are a lot like life. As are copper whisks. The same can be said for those dual-purpose fan/light set-ups. I’m also pretty sure that if you ever come across a 1963 table hockey set, you’ll discover it remarkably analogous to this thing called “life.” My point is, Sagittarius, that life doesn’t owe you any explanations, and can never be understood. You know, like cricket.

CAPRICORN DEC 22 — JAN 19
It’s easy to wallow in tears. It’s actually pretty satisfying. Do you have anything — movie, song, brand of jean — that provokes the waterworks? If so, I’d recommend initiating yourself into a good crying jag, Capricorn. You see, things aren’t going to get much better in the next couple months, so you might as well squeeze out the tears now, so you’re eyes’ll be dry when it counts.

AQUARIUS JAN 20 — FEB 18
Diversifying your lotto playing isn’t the “sound financial strategy” I was talking about, Aquarius. We all know 2009 is going to hurt, from the bread line concerns to the tickertape businesses, and we’re going to face serious fiduciary losses, but pouring your discretionary income into little scratchy games is not the answer. Slankets, more slankets… that’s the answer.

PISCES FEB 19 — MAR 20
You want a good time that doesn’t break the bank, Pisces? Take an animal into the elevator. If they’re not used to it, they’ll get all freaky and press themselves close to the ground and make plaintive little noises, kind of like someone who’s mixed the wrong drugs with too much booze trying to get over a broken heart. Dealing with that person is the opposite of a good time, by the way.

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