MAR 21 — APR 19
Can’t you see that flowers aren’t going to cut it this time, Aries? Granted, forgiveness is a great ocean in a flow of perpetual renewal, but you can never really tell what’s going to sink to the bottom and what’s going to glide delightfully across the surface. Well, in this case I can tell that flowers are definitely going to end up in Davey Jones’ Locker. Upgrade to jewelry.
APR 20 — MAY 20
Your eyes are wide open, your mouth is shut. Your hair is combed back, your shoes are tied up. Your feet are on the ground, your hands gripped tight. You, Taurus, are ready to rock and roll… But just as you’re set to take the stage you hesitate, your breath held back in an anxious gulp. What happened? Why can’t you follow things to their logical conclusions? Be brave, dude.
MAY 21 — JUNE 20
I knew a girl in high school who was convinced she was a changeling. You know, someone with the power to take any form they can imagine, from professional polo player to goose. This girl (let’s call her Stephanie R. Webb) would show up at a party and start mewling, as if she thought she was a trapped bobcat. We tried, Gemini, to tell her she wasn’t, but she wouldn’t listen.
JUNE 21 — JULY 22
I want a boater, a stripey jacket, a pair of wide-legged houndstooth trousers, a monocle and a sterling silver cigarette case. You see, Cancer, I am about to reinvent myself. Honestly, it’s not as hard as it sounds. Just find some pictures from magazines you like, take them to the clothing place, and ask the nice people to outfit you. Also, try to be cooler and talk with a funny accent.
JULY 23 — AUG 22
You think it’s bad that Mitt Romney tied the family dog to his car roof, well, get a load of this: apparently the ancient Sumerian Sparvak culture would tie the second-born child to the roof of the car whenever they went to war (which they waged in abandoned Wal-Mart parking lots), using the poor little creatures for ballast and luck. My point is, Leo, there’s always something worse.
AUG 23 — SEP 22
One man’s vulgarity is another’s man’s bicycle. The world is a small place wrapped in gabardine. We can’t know a thing if we haven’t seen it in the light of day. Have you noticed your weird pronouncements have been getting a little gnomic of late, Virgo? Is there something you’ve been wanting to tell me? Are you trying to speak but it’s just not coming out right? Use a pad.
SEP 23 — OCT 22
I had a complex, fully developed version of the afterlife when I was eight. (N.B. I no longer believe that consciousness carries on after the biological organism dies, so there.) Basically, Heaven was like an infinite sports stadium in which you could watch whatever you wanted, and angels would come around with your favorite food. Will you sing at my halftime show, Libra?
OCT 23 — NOV 21
Floating down river on a rickety raft made of candy and foil and magicians’ underpants is not the best way to meet new and interesting people. Sure, you might run into the odd bobbydazzler who jumps aboard at the old mill crossing or what have you, but these friends are not going to last. Ain’t it time you made a commitment, Scorpio, and settled down in one spot?
NOV 22 — DEC 21
Kentucky or Tennessee? I’m thinking of relocating further south, Sagittarius. There’s just something about the northeast that’s getting to me: maybe it’s the winters, maybe it’s the WASPs… I don’t know. Have you thought about jumping ship, hauling off to somewhere new and exciting? It may seem obvious, but a big change (especially now) is exactly what you need.
DEC 22 — JAN 19
So you’re standing on a beach staring out in the direction that you think must point straight across to Africa (but in reality you’re actually just looking at the butt end of Cuba), and the sun is setting behind you, and there’s a beer in your left hand. This is it, the end of the world, your last day on earth. Tell me, Capricorn, what is going through your mind? Run with it.
JAN 20 — FEB 18
That was nice, eh Aquarius? Do you feel at least a little relaxed now? I think you need to put things in context and realize that you function at a basic level of chaotic stress higher than most of the world. So when I ask if you feel calm, I know you’re never going to be one of those people who talks about how “chill” something is, but I just want to know you’re not going to explode.
FEB 19 — MAR 20
The ancient Romans believed that Sicily was a gateway to Hell, a gray rocky anteroom where lost human souls wandered in search of salvation, only to yield in the end to the maleficent tug of fire and evil. And that is how pizza came to be. The end. Do you know what a non sequitur is, Pisces? Well, that’s how a lot of your behavior comes across right now.