MAR 21 — APR 19
I knew you long before we became friends. I saw you in the street, picking up old newspapers, talking to dogs, folding takeout menus into paper airplanes, dressed all the while in pink coveralls and an old, battered pith helmet. You looked totally crazy, Aries. You still look totally crazy, but now I trust you to do the right thing. You will do the right thing this time around, won’t you?
APR 20 — MAY 20
Must you turn every daily interaction into an opportunity for political grandstanding? Sometimes, Taurus, an innocent question about appetizers is just an innocent question about appetizers, and does not require a ten-minute disquisition on the history of the Asturian labor movement at the beginning of the Spanish Civil War. For reals, dude, stop taking yourself so seriously.
MAY 21 — JUNE 20
There are cities across America filled with alleys and back byways, unnamed thoroughfares that go nowhere and everywhere all at once. In the winter we are pulled along on sleds by angry snowcats; in the spring we float down the floodwaters of nostalgia on pizza boxes and guitar cases… One day, Gemini, we will get lost forever, and it will be a happy day.
JUNE 21 — JULY 22
There I am, in the back of the van, thumbing through old issues of Sports Illustrated, sipping on a gin and juice, back doors thrown wide open to catch the sunset, and some old dude just comes up to me and straight up starts talking about the time he went to Biarritz and ate mussels with Princess Grace, and I’m like, “I don’t care.” I don’t really care, Cancer, just do what you have to do.
JULY 23 — AUG 22
Let’s say you’re an unusually scattered intellectual who’s exiled himself to Paris in the late 1930s to write about art, architecture and the implacable forward movement of history. You find yourself one day sitting out on the boulevard St. Germain, sipping a café au lait, writing a letter to Stefan Zweig as a group of fascists marches by… What do you do, Leo? Do you act?
AUG 23 — SEP 22
You’ve been on the East Coast for too long, Virgo. You need to loosen the fuck up, go shoeless for a few consecutive days, climb a tree, eat a peach. I know, I know, spring is coming, yadda-yadda, but we all know what that means in New York: dog shit and garbage cooking in the weak March sun. You need to take a road trip south. Seriously, start planning.
SEP 23 — OCT 22
Storage space is a sad but useful metaphor for modern existence. Just think of the myriad ways in which we try to fill the spiritual void: exercise bikes, fondue pots, VHS tapes of Sanford and Son. But really, Libra, there’s not enough storage room in the world to contain all the objects you need to distract you from the emptiness. Renounce your desires, have a Sanka.
OCT 23 — NOV 21
Those were the days, Scorpio. Tree forts, lemonade stands, lollipops and yoyos, puppet shows, The Goonies… What do you miss most about college? And how do we return to those carefree sensibilities? Face it, we can’t just squeeze our eyes tight and wish for the best, clicking our heels as the streetlights wink on one at a time. You see, we can’t ever return to those sensibilities. That’s it.
NOV 22 — DEC 21
Everyone thinks they’re wise and tolerant. Everyone thinks they have a pretty good sense of humor. Everyone thinks they’re a good driver. Everyone thinks they have good taste in footwear. But you know very well, Sagittarius, that most people don’t have those things. The trick is, you probably don’t either, statistically speaking. It’s time you came to grips with your inadequacies.
DEC 22 — JAN 19
Buttoned up to the top, or undone to near salacious levels? What’s your mood today, Capricorn, and how are you going to express that through your outfit? You’ve had a hard time communicating your feelings through words and facial expressions of late, so you should move to the sartorial realm. Let your cardigans do the pouting, your shoes do the bitch-slapping. Dress to express.
JAN 20 — FEB 18
Hey, we should go hang-gliding, you and me. I know it seems pretty dangerous, but think of the adrenaline rush alongside the indescribable experience of flight — don’t you think you need a jolt to the system, Aquarius, something big and amazing to wrench you out of yourself and your routines? I don’t know, maybe just a long bike ride and a spicy curry will do the trick. Maybe.
FEB 19 — MAR 20
There can be no greater feeling of relief than experiencing your friend’s art for the first time and actually, honestly enjoying it. I once knew a woman who refused to read her boyfriend’s writing; it was really weird, she loved him, and he had talent, but she didn’t want to enter into any kind of critical dynamic with him. I respected it at the time, but it didn’t work out. Lesson learned, Pisces?