ARIES
Hey, if there's one thing history has taught us, it's that tall people are really successful in fields like library management, horse shoes, politics and netball. Are any of these fields of interest to you in your future endeavors? No, I didn't think so. SO WHY ARE YOU HANGING UPSIDE DOWN EVERY NIGHT FROM THE CEILING? You should stop doing that and find another hobby, Aries.

TAURUS
Really? Was I that bad? I didn't even realize it at the time... I honestly thought everybody loved me. But I guess what you're telling me, Taurus, here in the cold light of day, the cigarette smoke curling up over my top lip and deep into my brain, the alcohol fading slowly into the back eddies of my bloodstream, is that I was an asshole last night. Yeah, well so were you.

GEMINI
Why do they kill horses for things as minimal as a broken fetlock? How can such a perfectly evolved creature, so well fit to do one thing — run — be so disposable? Sometimes, Gemini, even taking the briefest moment to think about the world can cripple you with sadness. That's why it's important to work. I'm not talking any fancy St. Benedict "work as virtue" shit, I mean get a job. Loser.

CANCER
My true love gave me golden boots to cross the vaulted sky. My true love gave me a silver cape that I might hide from darkest rain. My true love gave me a ruby crown that I might pass the Bridge of Sighs. My true love gave me a magic beer to dull the aching pain. My true love also gave me a pretty serious headache, so that didn't really work out. Don't be fooled by fancy gifts, Cancer.

LEO
Are you just making shit up as you go along, Leo? Faking your way through every moment of every day to the extent that you're losing track of what's real and what's fake? Well, here's an important message for you: the line between "fake" and "real" is an antiquated construct devised to maintain a mass immiserated class of workers with no real freedom or franchise. So you're good, dude.

VIRGO
Once, my Uncle Susan ran out into a giant electrical storm with the intent of getting himself struck by lightning. He had this theory that God resides in electricity and that the only way to approach transcendence on the terrestrial plane is to fill your body with pure energy. He is now dead. I can't stress enough, Virgo, the importance of considering the consequences of your actions.

LIBRA
Dude, it's not lame to go to bed at 10pm. As the Buddha said, you gotta eat when you're hungry and sleep when you're tired. The key here, though, is that you shouldn't eat when you're not hungry (not to mention that excessive napping and/or sleeping is a sure sign of depression). Listen to your body, Libra, it knows a lot about itself (but ignore your brain, it is devious and needy).

SCORPIO
Breakfast in bed is more trouble than it's worth: crumbs end up in your pillow case and live there for weeks; egg yolks travel up the headboard in viscous amarillo streaks; thrice-roasted Columbian blend seeps deep into the mattress, caffeinating your dreams... My point, Scorpio, is that sometimes luxury is actually a burden. As Spiro Agnew said: "If you ain't got nothing, you're a poor."

SAGITTARIUS
I've always wondered what kind of guy our Sun is. I mean, he's just one in a billion, like the rest of us, hanging out, trying to get his work done each day (and solar days are loooong). Does he even realize he's sustaining all this life? And if he did, would he care? Is he popular, or is he thought of by the other stars as a little déclassé? And is it weird, Sagittarius, that I'm worried about his mood?

CAPRICORN
The hot times are upon us, Capricorn. This is good because: people wear less clothing, which is totally sexytimes all around; bars and restaurants open their windows and put their tables outside, so you can watch the sexy people; you can let your exotic pets outside. This is bad because: you will be covered in sweat; your friends will be covered in sweat; your exotic pets will be covered in sweat.

AQUARIUS
How fine your garden grows, Aquarius! How broad are your leaves! How bright are your strawberries! How sweet are your peaches! Is this starting to sound like sexy talk? I guess the sap is rising all over the place, don't you know. Well, you should give in. Just do it. Get carnal. Don't think. Have fun. Let it go. Cut loose. You'll only ever be this age once, so you might as well dive in.

PISCES
Sure, we live in boxes. I get the conceit: "Modern life is compartmentalized and our lives are reduced to infinitely regressive units of time and oh how it's all so dehumanizing and wouldn't it be great if we all lived like Arcadian shepherds tootling in the hills of Samothrace." Fuck that, Pisces — I like my box. It has my chair in it, and my books. Can't we just be happy with that?

ARIES MAR 21 — APR 19
Do you have nosy neighbors? The kind who invent some flimsy pretense to linger at the door trying to peek past you to see your meth lab/train set/bean bag chair? Or, Aries, and think about this… are you a nosy neighbor? Perhaps the reason so many people obsess about the small, mundane details of the lives of others is to compensate for a lack of vitality in their own.

TAURUS APR 20 — MAY 20
When I was a child I used to go down to the lake. This wasn’t the kind of tiny pine-gilt pond most associate with the word “lake” — it was a giant, freshwater inland sea, and I would sit on the strand staring for hours out over the water, trying to see to the other side. I never saw a thing. But you know what, Taurus? For all those many afternoons I did see a lot. Mainly teenagers smoking cigarettes.

GEMINI MAY 21 — JUNE 20
You know those people who say “matoor” rather than “machoor” when they’re pronouncing the word “mature”? I don’t like those people. I also don’t like people who try to high five me. I also don’t like people who ask waiters or waitresses “What’s good today?” I also don’t like people who badmouth astrology. Have you been badmouthing astrology, Gemini? Stop it.

CANCER JUNE 21 — JULY 22
Whoa, whoa, whoa… I just realized something: It’s stoop season, baby! (Or at the very least it’s stoop preseason.) Have you hung out on your or your friend’s stoop yet? Look, even if it’s 45 degrees out, I highly recommend you throw on a heavy sweater, crack open a forty and take in the early spring life blossoming on your block. Oh, and Cancer? Put on some pants this time.

LEO JULY 23 — AUG 22
I was recently locked in a defunct dining car from the old Albany-Quebec City train line. I was stuck in there for almost three days. Luckily, there was a box of Ritz Crackers and some old bottles of Genny Light to tide me over, along with a catalogue of designer orchid bulbs. Somehow, despite my depravation and isolation, I was really pretty happy with the weekend. Simplicity, Leo, is good.

VIRGO AUG 23 — SEP 22
You know those ancient cultures that have really ornate gestural dance rituals that tell epic foundational tales of love, war and divine retribution? Yeah, we don’t really have those, do we? No, we have the “Cabbage Patch,” the “Butter Churn” and the “Running Man.” Virgo, we need a richer gestural language that goes beyond “fuck you” and “peace.” Talk with the hand, not to the hand.

LIBRA SEP 23 — OCT 22
The key to starting a chainsaw, Libra, is throwing it away from you as you pull the starter cord — let gravity do the work, not your shoulder. You should also probably wait until at least sunrise before working the timber. You’ll also need some safety pants. Actually, are you sure you’re ready to handle a big mechanized tool designed to chew through giant trees? You’re a lover, not a fighter, dude.

SCORPIO OCT 23 — NOV 21
You know what’s really fun? Dressing your dog up like a pirate. What’s that, Scorpio? Don’t have a dog? I have a solution. You can walk around certain neighborhoods in Brooklyn on any given weekend and find dozens of cute little pooches tied up outside of drugstores, bars and sporting goods stores. Why not dress them up on the fly? Superfun! Isn’t Brooklyn a magical, whimsical place!!!

SAGITTARIUS NOV 22 — DEC 21
We all feel pain, Sagittarius — emotional, physical, oneiric — it’s an ineluctable fact of life that we have to come to terms with. We do, however, have the opportunity to train ourselves in the Stoic tradition and keep our reactions internal. What’s gained by bottling up your feelings? Well, frankly, the main thing is that I won’t have to listen to you anymore, which would be great for me.

CAPRICORN DEC 22 — JAN 19
Look, look, there’s no such thing as an empty gesture. Everything has a meaning, Capricorn, and even if you know that no one’s going to hear what you’re saying, sometimes you still just have to say it. At the very least, you’ll know, and you’re still important. Right? You still think you have a purpose on this planet, right? Jeez, dude, c’mon, don’t quit yet.

AQUARIUS JAN 20 — FEB 18
Ok, Modern Science, I’m ready. I’m ready for flying cars and bionic limbs and computer-enhanced brain function; I’m ready for nanobots to get the stains out of my tuxedo t-shirt and teleportation and silicon capes that will make me sexy all the time. I am ready, Aquarius, for our coming robot overlords. Are you? Quit being such a technophobe and wire yourself in to the future.

PISCES FEB 19 — MAR 20
You should try being a bit more of an asshole, Pisces. I hate to say it, but a little abrasiveness can go a long way toward getting what you want. People may not like you or come to your birthday drink event, but they will want to avoid getting yelled at, so in the end, they’ll probably do what you want. Basically, what I’m saying is more power equals less friends. Go for it!