MAR 21 — APR 19
Do you have nosy neighbors? The kind who invent some flimsy pretense to linger at the door trying to peek past you to see your meth lab/train set/bean bag chair? Or, Aries, and think about this… are you a nosy neighbor? Perhaps the reason so many people obsess about the small, mundane details of the lives of others is to compensate for a lack of vitality in their own.
APR 20 — MAY 20
When I was a child I used to go down to the lake. This wasn’t the kind of tiny pine-gilt pond most associate with the word “lake” — it was a giant, freshwater inland sea, and I would sit on the strand staring for hours out over the water, trying to see to the other side. I never saw a thing. But you know what, Taurus? For all those many afternoons I did see a lot. Mainly teenagers smoking cigarettes.
MAY 21 — JUNE 20
You know those people who say “matoor” rather than “machoor” when they’re pronouncing the word “mature”? I don’t like those people. I also don’t like people who try to high five me. I also don’t like people who ask waiters or waitresses “What’s good today?” I also don’t like people who badmouth astrology. Have you been badmouthing astrology, Gemini? Stop it.
JUNE 21 — JULY 22
Whoa, whoa, whoa… I just realized something: It’s stoop season, baby! (Or at the very least it’s stoop preseason.) Have you hung out on your or your friend’s stoop yet? Look, even if it’s 45 degrees out, I highly recommend you throw on a heavy sweater, crack open a forty and take in the early spring life blossoming on your block. Oh, and Cancer? Put on some pants this time.
JULY 23 — AUG 22
I was recently locked in a defunct dining car from the old Albany-Quebec City train line. I was stuck in there for almost three days. Luckily, there was a box of Ritz Crackers and some old bottles of Genny Light to tide me over, along with a catalogue of designer orchid bulbs. Somehow, despite my depravation and isolation, I was really pretty happy with the weekend. Simplicity, Leo, is good.
AUG 23 — SEP 22
You know those ancient cultures that have really ornate gestural dance rituals that tell epic foundational tales of love, war and divine retribution? Yeah, we don’t really have those, do we? No, we have the “Cabbage Patch,” the “Butter Churn” and the “Running Man.” Virgo, we need a richer gestural language that goes beyond “fuck you” and “peace.” Talk with the hand, not to the hand.
SEP 23 — OCT 22
The key to starting a chainsaw, Libra, is throwing it away from you as you pull the starter cord — let gravity do the work, not your shoulder. You should also probably wait until at least sunrise before working the timber. You’ll also need some safety pants. Actually, are you sure you’re ready to handle a big mechanized tool designed to chew through giant trees? You’re a lover, not a fighter, dude.
OCT 23 — NOV 21
You know what’s really fun? Dressing your dog up like a pirate. What’s that, Scorpio? Don’t have a dog? I have a solution. You can walk around certain neighborhoods in Brooklyn on any given weekend and find dozens of cute little pooches tied up outside of drugstores, bars and sporting goods stores. Why not dress them up on the fly? Superfun! Isn’t Brooklyn a magical, whimsical place!!!
NOV 22 — DEC 21
We all feel pain, Sagittarius — emotional, physical, oneiric — it’s an ineluctable fact of life that we have to come to terms with. We do, however, have the opportunity to train ourselves in the Stoic tradition and keep our reactions internal. What’s gained by bottling up your feelings? Well, frankly, the main thing is that I won’t have to listen to you anymore, which would be great for me.
DEC 22 — JAN 19
Look, look, there’s no such thing as an empty gesture. Everything has a meaning, Capricorn, and even if you know that no one’s going to hear what you’re saying, sometimes you still just have to say it. At the very least, you’ll know, and you’re still important. Right? You still think you have a purpose on this planet, right? Jeez, dude, c’mon, don’t quit yet.
JAN 20 — FEB 18
Ok, Modern Science, I’m ready. I’m ready for flying cars and bionic limbs and computer-enhanced brain function; I’m ready for nanobots to get the stains out of my tuxedo t-shirt and teleportation and silicon capes that will make me sexy all the time. I am ready, Aquarius, for our coming robot overlords. Are you? Quit being such a technophobe and wire yourself in to the future.
FEB 19 — MAR 20
You should try being a bit more of an asshole, Pisces. I hate to say it, but a little abrasiveness can go a long way toward getting what you want. People may not like you or come to your birthday drink event, but they will want to avoid getting yelled at, so in the end, they’ll probably do what you want. Basically, what I’m saying is more power equals less friends. Go for it!