ARIES MAR 21-APR 19
We are all soldiers of fortune. We are fighting a war against the end of our lives. Our weapons are self-delusion, courage, humor, anger and resignation. We must be careful about which weapons we choose to fight with. There are times when the weapons become who we are, when we lose control of their power. Do not let this happen, Aries, for it will break your heart.
TAURUS APR 20-MAY 20
Forgiveness can be tough to ask for. At its heart lies the need to confess, to admit how wrong you were. In dire situations, Taurus, when forgivness is vital, the guilty party may be forced to itemize all the stupid things they've done, and that can't be easy. But as an act, forgiveness has a real power: two people, going together back into the past to address a wrong. That strong magic.
GEMINI MAY 21-JUNE 20
“Count them again!” said the voice, loud and angry against the quiet fall night. “Aw c’mon, we’ve already been through this a hundred times!” said another voice, plaintive and shrill. “Please, just once more,” said the first voice, conciliatory. “Oh all right: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9… that’s it.” And that, dear Gemini, was the night Joey the 9-Fingered Clown was born.
CANCER JUNE 21-JULY 22
Some mistakes just keep looking worse and worse the further you get from them: I’m talking mind-bogglingly, “what the hell were you thinking” dumb. And that’s what happened in this case, Cancer, absolute stupidity. It’s all too easy to convince yourself of a certain feeling if you try hard enough—but c’mon, let’s be honest here, none of that was real. It was fake.
LEO JULY 23-AUG 22
Despite what they all say, love is a rare and special thing. It should be guarded zealously, preserved at all costs, fought over and rescued, no matter the cost; you need to think really hard, Leo, before you do anything to jeopardize it. You see, it’s all too easy to take love for granted, to assume it’ll just be there for you at the end of the day, like a favorite pair of slippers. Because it won’t.
VIRGO AUG 23-SEP 22
You can hear some unusually true things if you just pay attention to the voice of the crowd. This is not an easy thing to do, Virgo, but it will yield magnificent results if you can perfect your technique. Start like this: go to a place with lots of people; find a spot to sit or lean or stand unobtrusively; open up your ears, shut your eyes and let the words seep in. The world is trying to tell you something.
LIBRA SEP 23-OCT 22
Michael Caine tried to Blame it on Rio, when he should have just blamed himself. The world is full of temptation and invitation to indiscretion; we’re all confronted at one time or another with the occasion for sin… THAT DOESN’T MEAN WE HAVE TO GIVE IN. Look, Libra, life can wear you down to a point of real self-pity, where you feel justified in self-indulgent. Well snap out of it.
SCORPIO OCT 23-NOV 21
The overheard answering machine message is just about dead as a feasible plot device in your mainstream mystery-thriller-comedy. As much as I’ve always loved the big reveal playing back after the beep, Hollywood has to come up with something new… but what? Failure to log-off Gmail? Twitter hack? Will any one thing come to the fore? Sigh. Why must everything change, Scorpio?
SAGITTARIUS NOV 22- DEC 21
Mark my words, Sagittarius, roller derby is about to sweep the nation. Where once we idolized giant football players we will instead idolize speedy little redheaded women with tattoos like sailors who listen to Sleater-Kinney and eat soy cheese—this will be a truly glorious day. The best way to prepare for this would be to go see some live roller derby. So that’s what you should do. NOW.
CAPRICORN DEC 22-JAN 19
Be careful when digging around your brother’s closet—you never know what you might find: Is that a cardigan with short sleeves? A waterproof waistcoat? A Winchester repeating rifle? What the hell kind of shit is your brother into? And anyway, are you sure you’re not adopted? Look Capricorn, you gotta know where you come from before you can know where you’re going.
AQUARIUS JAN 20-FEB 18
I always said I wouldn’t do you wrong, Aquarius, so I’m sorry I messed things up. You might have a hard time believing it, but it’s really still kind of true. I think, given the right amount of time and a break in the bad weather, I might be able to prove to you once again that it’s a true sentiment. Failing that, I’m prepared to bribe you with an ongoing campaign of gifts and back rubs.
PISCES FEB 20-MAR 20
I should’ve been a physicist. There is something deeply appealing about engaging with fixed physical laws rather than the necessarily fluid strictures of human behavior. But as I looked into it more, I came to understand that even physics is open to vast mystery, that the universe is as seemingly unknowable as the heart of Man. And you know what, Pisces? I was kind of relieved by that.