ARIES
MAR 21 — APR 19
So many things in this world sound really, really great when you first hear about them, but slowly (and surely) you come to realize they require a lot more work than was first suggested, and you’re already at a breaking point, and life just seems to suck. What are you supposed to do then, Aries? Well, you should probably just figure out a way to work from home, in your underpants.

TAURUS
APR 20 — MAY 20
If only we could all breathe underwater. If only we could dance on the ceiling like Lionel Richie. If only we could make two plus two somehow equal five. If only we could walk through the space between raindrops. If only we could talk to dogs. If only, Taurus, you could get out of your current rut, you could do some great things. If only you would all just take my advice.

GEMINI
MAY 21 — JUNE 20
It’s time, Gemini, that you branched out beyond the Missed Connections section on Craigslist. Writing anonymous, hopeful messages to unnamed strangers might satisfy that lonely, romantic part of your personality, but it’s not going to make you any happier in the real world. In fact, the gratification you feel from “reaching out” is actually false comfort. It’s an illusion. Don’t die alone.

CANCER
JUNE 21 — JULY 22
So it looks like China is aiming to plant a forest the size of Norway in an effort to balance its horrendous carbon emissions. I, for one, feel bad for the state of New Jersey, which has traditionally been the go-to geographic unit of measurement, as in, “China today announced plans to plant a forest roughly 15 times the size of New Jersey.” Things change, Cancer, and they change fast. Get used to it!

LEO
JULY 23 — AUG 22
The morning will come. The spring will come. The bad times will give way to good. Honestly, there are very few things I actually know, but one of them is that all things pass—time really does heal wounds. In some ways, Leo, the power of time can be a frustrating thing, because even those purest of feelings will erode one day as the endless river of days washes over us.

VIRGO
AUG 23 — SEP 22
Uh, danger. Fire dude. FIRE! There’s a fire behind you but you can’t see it, Virgo. It’s like you’re one of those really drunk people who stands too close to the bonfire and can’t tell that you’re singeing your arm hair. And then you’ll try to cook a wiener using your beer bottle and you’ll burn your hand, and only then will you get it. Fire hurts. Maybe you need to get hurt to understand?

LIBRA
SEP 23 — OCT 22
I was watching a bunch of sparrows squabble with some pigeons over pizza crusts the other day. This one sparrow kept trying to pull an enormous slice off to his sparrow lair, despite its enormous size. He’d only get a few inches before the big, dumb pigeons would come a-stompin… but he kept trying. Libra, you’re either the sparrow, the pigeon, or the pizza in this story. Not sure which.

SCORPIO
OCT 23 — NOV 21
Dig me a shallow grave, Scorpio. I may not be ready to go, even if it seems like my time has come. I’ll admit, though, there’s something comforting about the thought of laying around in the loose earth, with no expectations from anyone except just straight-up chilling for eternity. But no. I think I like it here, so I wanna stay as long as possible. Your theme this week: morbidity.

SAGITTARIUS
NOV 22 — DEC 21
Have you ever just walked out into the middle of the midnight desert, lain down, and let the stars pull you out of your body? It’s not easy to do, it takes guts and concentration and a mattress. But I’ll tell ya, Sagittarius, there is no feeling like it in this world. I suppose if you’re too far from a desert you could row out into a lake. Failing that, you’re just going to have to get drunk.

CAPRICORN
DEC 22 — JAN 19
Professional envy isn’t going to help, Capricorn. In fact, it’ll just leave your mouth dry and your eyes red and your shoulders tight and your whole general vibe will be poisonous and peevish and no one will ever laugh at your jokes again. You don’t want that, do you? No, you do not. So, the best way to deal with professional jealously is to become more successful. You have a lot of work to do.

AQUARIUS
JAN 20 — FEB 18
There is love in your future, Aquarius. A love you forgot was possible, a way of seeing the world you thought had long disappeared with the end of youth. DON’T GIVE UP. Get up in the morning, face the sun, feel its warmth, and tell yourself this love is possible, and that it will be here soon. You have to be ready for it, though, which is going to take a bit of work. You can do that, right?

PISCES
FEB 19 — MAR 20
You’ve had a good run over the last while, Pisces. You’ve caught some lucky breaks. It might not feel like it, but you have no idea of the good graces that have kept you from harm’s way, no sense of the benevolent intercession of fate. But this is how it is with most of us, a kind of narcissistic pessimism… That’s why we should all just be grateful all the time.

ARIES  MAR 21-APR 19

We are all soldiers of fortune. We are fighting a war against the end of our lives. Our weapons are self-delusion, courage, humor, anger and resignation. We must be careful about which weapons we choose to fight with. There are times when the weapons become who we are, when we lose control of their power. Do not let this happen, Aries, for it will break your heart.

TAURUS  APR 20-MAY 20
Forgiveness can be tough to ask for. At its heart lies the need to confess, to admit how wrong you were. In dire situations, Taurus, when forgivness is vital, the guilty party may be forced to itemize all the stupid things they've done, and that can't be easy. But as an act, forgiveness has a real power: two people, going together back into the past to address a wrong. That strong magic.

GEMINI   MAY 21-JUNE 20
“Count them again!” said the voice, loud and angry against the quiet fall night. “Aw c’mon, we’ve already been through this a hundred times!” said another voice, plaintive and shrill. “Please, just once more,” said the first voice, conciliatory. “Oh all right: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9… that’s it.” And that, dear Gemini, was the night Joey the 9-Fingered Clown was born.

CANCER   JUNE 21-JULY 22
Some mistakes just keep looking worse and worse the further you get from them: I’m talking mind-bogglingly, “what the hell were you thinking” dumb. And that’s what happened in this case, Cancer, absolute stupidity. It’s all too easy to convince yourself of a certain feeling if you try hard enough—but c’mon, let’s be honest here, none of that was real. It was fake.

LEO   JULY 23-AUG 22
Despite what they all say, love is a rare and special thing. It should be guarded zealously, preserved at all costs, fought over and rescued, no matter the cost; you need to think really hard, Leo, before you do anything to jeopardize it. You see, it’s all too easy to take love for granted, to assume it’ll just be there for you at the end of the day, like a favorite pair of slippers. Because it won’t.

VIRGO   AUG 23-SEP 22
You can hear some unusually true things if you just pay attention to the voice of the crowd. This is not an easy thing to do, Virgo, but it will yield magnificent results if you can perfect your technique. Start like this: go to a place with lots of people; find a spot to sit or lean or stand unobtrusively; open up your ears, shut your eyes and let the words seep in. The world is trying to tell you something.

LIBRA   SEP 23-OCT 22
Michael Caine tried to Blame it on Rio, when he should have just blamed himself. The world is full of temptation and invitation to indiscretion; we’re all confronted at one time or another with the occasion for sin… THAT DOESN’T MEAN WE HAVE TO GIVE IN. Look, Libra, life can wear you down to a point of real self-pity, where you feel justified in self-indulgent. Well snap out of it.

SCORPIO   OCT 23-NOV 21
The overheard answering machine message is just about dead as a feasible plot device in your mainstream mystery-thriller-comedy. As much as I’ve always loved the big reveal playing back after the beep, Hollywood has to come up with something new… but what? Failure to log-off Gmail? Twitter hack? Will any one thing come to the fore? Sigh. Why must everything change, Scorpio?

SAGITTARIUS   NOV 22- DEC 21
Mark my words, Sagittarius, roller derby is about to sweep the nation. Where once we idolized giant football players we will instead idolize speedy little redheaded women with tattoos like sailors who listen to Sleater-Kinney and eat soy cheese—this will be a truly glorious day. The best way to prepare for this would be to go see some live roller derby. So that’s what you should do. NOW.

CAPRICORN   DEC 22-JAN 19
Be careful when digging around your brother’s closet—you never know what you might find: Is that a cardigan with short sleeves? A waterproof waistcoat? A Winchester repeating rifle? What the hell kind of shit is your brother into? And anyway, are you sure you’re not adopted? Look Capricorn, you gotta know where you come from before you can know where you’re going.

AQUARIUS   JAN 20-FEB 18
I always said I wouldn’t do you wrong, Aquarius, so I’m sorry I messed things up. You might have a hard time believing it, but it’s really still kind of true. I think, given the right amount of time and a break in the bad weather, I might be able to prove to you once again that it’s a true sentiment. Failing that, I’m prepared to bribe you with an ongoing campaign of gifts and back rubs.

PISCES   FEB 20-MAR 20
I should’ve been a physicist. There is something deeply appealing about engaging with fixed physical laws rather than the necessarily fluid strictures of human behavior. But as I looked into it more, I came to understand that even physics is open to vast mystery, that the universe is as seemingly unknowable as the heart of Man. And you know what, Pisces? I was kind of relieved by that.

ARIES
MAR 21 — APR 19
Death doesn’t really need to assert itself. It knows it will win in the end. It knows that everyone walking around right now — eating ice cream, talking on their cellphones, playing Frisbee, peeing with the seat down — is going to die. You see, Aries, Death could be right behind you, right now. Or around the next corner, or a dot on the horizon… You’ll just never know.

TAURUS
APR 20 — MAY 20
You ever watch those dudes down by the river on their windsurf skateboards? You know, windsurfers on wheels, in a big parking lot. They all have rattails and wear Blundstones and tiny pink shorts… What’s up with those dudes, Taurus? And why do people so easily form into gangs? Is it because they’re afraid of being alone? Yeah, pretty much. You don’t need to fear that though

GEMINI
MAY 21 — JUNE 20
Advice is everywhere, and very little of it is good. People charge a lot of money for advice, they pronounce it in dulcet self-important tones as if they were God’s own lawyer. But here’s the secret behind it all: YOU SHOULD ONLY LISTEN TO ME. I am the true source, and here’s my advice to you, Gemini: learning to be happy is like learning a language… you have to study.

CANCER
JUNE 21 — JULY 22
Oxygen on Mars? Yes. New studies have revealed that the Red Planet may just be capable of sustaining certain kinds of life, namely, the kind that is really good at holding its breath. This means that skin divers, garbage men, and chicken wranglers should all be fine. It will be an adventure, Cancer… and the best part will be when you go to the bar. THE MARS BAR!!! Haha.

LEO
JULY 23 — AUG 22
Love or nothing at all. Really, Leo, that’s kind of the thing. I’m not talking strictly about grand, storybook love, necessarily — I mean any of the many types of love: fraternal, paternal, intellectual, vocational... you just need to love something or someone to an insensible degree. If you do not, you will always be unhappy. (Me? I love astrology, netball and flatbreads.)

VIRGO
AUG 23 — SEP 22
Go ahead and jump in with your eyes closed. Let it go. Let it take you. QUIT HESITATING. I mean, fuck, Virgo, if you make a mess you can always clean it up, right? Summer’s almost gone and you have yet to dive fully into the deep end, and that’s just sad. I promise to help you out if things go awry… I’ll get you out of trouble. I just need to see you try.

LIBRA
SEP 23 — OCT 22
Haven’t you worn the same costume for Halloween for the last four years, Libra? I can’t tell you how totally lame that is. So I’m bringing it up now so you’ll have plenty of time to come up with an idea for a killer outfit that won’t bore people to death. It’s important to keep people guessing about your true nature; predictability is one step away from the end.

SCORPIO
OCT 23 — NOV 21
You’ve got me inspired, Scorpio: Maybe I should start wearing my hair… up? I’ve had a long, luxuriant head of hair for so long, just cold flowin’ down my shoulders, I really don’t know how it would feel to rock a chignon (and yes, dudes can pull off a chignon, trust me). You’ve been pretty bold of late, and it’s inspiring, even if you haven’t realized it. Keep it up you crazy bastard.

SAGITTARIUS
NOV 22 — DEC 21
Even the tallest unicycle in the world won’t be enough to save you this time, Sagittarius. Your wonderfully quirky personality is starting to wear, and your penchant for non-sequitur is no longer compelling, merely infantile. I hate to say it, but you need to grow up. Wait, don’t panic. Growing up doesn’t mean selling out, it just means being a bit more aware of the world around you.

CAPRICORN
DEC 22 — JAN 19
I knew a tarot card reader once, who always dressed in black. She lived in an attic apartment and would shower at the Y. She smelled like caraway and always talked about her old life on a houseboat in Paraguay. One night, after a few too many Goldschlagers, I asked her what she saw in your future, Capricorn: “You need a crisis to feel alive. So you’d better instigate one.”

AQUARIUS
JAN 20 — FEB 18
Taking off before the sun comes up. You can see your breath as you fumble with the keys, trying to start the car. Last night, first cold one of fall. The two of you stop for coffee at a roadside diner, the dogs too tired to bark as you walk across the gravel lot. You draw a map on the back of a placemat, transforming a coffee ring into a compass rose. It’s going to be a good day, Aquarius.

PISCES
FEB 19 — MAR 20
Even though you don’t really play an appropriate instrument, Pisces, I think it’s high time you joined one of those Brooklyn brass bands that all the kids have been crazy about over the last decade. Look, it’ll get you out of the house, you’ll get a little exercise and, who knows, you might even make some new friends. Maybe you could be one of the baton twirlers, or maybe just do somersaults?