MAR 21 — APR 19
So many things in this world sound really, really great when you first hear about them, but slowly (and surely) you come to realize they require a lot more work than was first suggested, and you’re already at a breaking point, and life just seems to suck. What are you supposed to do then, Aries? Well, you should probably just figure out a way to work from home, in your underpants.
APR 20 — MAY 20
If only we could all breathe underwater. If only we could dance on the ceiling like Lionel Richie. If only we could make two plus two somehow equal five. If only we could walk through the space between raindrops. If only we could talk to dogs. If only, Taurus, you could get out of your current rut, you could do some great things. If only you would all just take my advice.
MAY 21 — JUNE 20
It’s time, Gemini, that you branched out beyond the Missed Connections section on Craigslist. Writing anonymous, hopeful messages to unnamed strangers might satisfy that lonely, romantic part of your personality, but it’s not going to make you any happier in the real world. In fact, the gratification you feel from “reaching out” is actually false comfort. It’s an illusion. Don’t die alone.
JUNE 21 — JULY 22
So it looks like China is aiming to plant a forest the size of Norway in an effort to balance its horrendous carbon emissions. I, for one, feel bad for the state of New Jersey, which has traditionally been the go-to geographic unit of measurement, as in, “China today announced plans to plant a forest roughly 15 times the size of New Jersey.” Things change, Cancer, and they change fast. Get used to it!
JULY 23 — AUG 22
The morning will come. The spring will come. The bad times will give way to good. Honestly, there are very few things I actually know, but one of them is that all things pass—time really does heal wounds. In some ways, Leo, the power of time can be a frustrating thing, because even those purest of feelings will erode one day as the endless river of days washes over us.
AUG 23 — SEP 22
Uh, danger. Fire dude. FIRE! There’s a fire behind you but you can’t see it, Virgo. It’s like you’re one of those really drunk people who stands too close to the bonfire and can’t tell that you’re singeing your arm hair. And then you’ll try to cook a wiener using your beer bottle and you’ll burn your hand, and only then will you get it. Fire hurts. Maybe you need to get hurt to understand?
SEP 23 — OCT 22
I was watching a bunch of sparrows squabble with some pigeons over pizza crusts the other day. This one sparrow kept trying to pull an enormous slice off to his sparrow lair, despite its enormous size. He’d only get a few inches before the big, dumb pigeons would come a-stompin… but he kept trying. Libra, you’re either the sparrow, the pigeon, or the pizza in this story. Not sure which.
OCT 23 — NOV 21
Dig me a shallow grave, Scorpio. I may not be ready to go, even if it seems like my time has come. I’ll admit, though, there’s something comforting about the thought of laying around in the loose earth, with no expectations from anyone except just straight-up chilling for eternity. But no. I think I like it here, so I wanna stay as long as possible. Your theme this week: morbidity.
NOV 22 — DEC 21
Have you ever just walked out into the middle of the midnight desert, lain down, and let the stars pull you out of your body? It’s not easy to do, it takes guts and concentration and a mattress. But I’ll tell ya, Sagittarius, there is no feeling like it in this world. I suppose if you’re too far from a desert you could row out into a lake. Failing that, you’re just going to have to get drunk.
DEC 22 — JAN 19
Professional envy isn’t going to help, Capricorn. In fact, it’ll just leave your mouth dry and your eyes red and your shoulders tight and your whole general vibe will be poisonous and peevish and no one will ever laugh at your jokes again. You don’t want that, do you? No, you do not. So, the best way to deal with professional jealously is to become more successful. You have a lot of work to do.
JAN 20 — FEB 18
There is love in your future, Aquarius. A love you forgot was possible, a way of seeing the world you thought had long disappeared with the end of youth. DON’T GIVE UP. Get up in the morning, face the sun, feel its warmth, and tell yourself this love is possible, and that it will be here soon. You have to be ready for it, though, which is going to take a bit of work. You can do that, right?
FEB 19 — MAR 20
You’ve had a good run over the last while, Pisces. You’ve caught some lucky breaks. It might not feel like it, but you have no idea of the good graces that have kept you from harm’s way, no sense of the benevolent intercession of fate. But this is how it is with most of us, a kind of narcissistic pessimism… That’s why we should all just be grateful all the time.