TAURUS APR 20 — MAY 20
I love big piles of beautiful white snow everywhere, bright and cool under the blue sky. But then people start to hide their garbage in the piles, and the snow becomes dirty and black; and then it melts, Taurus, revealing the bleak filth of a thousand discarded Sunday afternoons. I don’t love that part.
GEMINI MAY 21 — JUNE 20
A friend recently told me that I might have a little color blindness in the red spectrum. THE RED SPECTRUM! I’m pretty sure this person was accusing me of fraternizing with communists! Seriously, Gemini, what if I am and I don’t know it? Does that matter? No, not really. You can never know everything about your friends, so why worry?
CANCER JUNE 21 — JULY 22
Gasping for contact (and grabbing for attention, while you’re at it) is pretty unattractive, Cancer. Also, the contact you end up getting may not be the kind you want: when you’re desperate, sometimes people are more interested in the project of fixing you than in you, yourself. That’s the fix you find yourself in.
LEO JULY 23 — AUG 22
My grandmother told me never to trust a reindeer herder with smooth hands. To which I’d add, don’t trust a dermatologist with bad skin, a writer who splits infinitives, or a designer who dresses like an old lady. Sometimes appearances aren’t deceiving, Leo: go ahead and judge that book by its cover for once.
VIRGO AUG 23 — SEP 22
Some songs stay with you forever, coming into your head at the strangest, most intense moments, soundtracking your memories as they happen. For example, Virgo, as I write this horoscope I can’t help but hear “Divine Hammer” by the Breeders, which tells me that you’ll be “building” something new this month, like debt or a birdhouse.
LIBRA SEP 23 — OCT 22
You don’t need to plan out every little second of your life, Libra, it’s getting pretty obsessive compulsive, really. Just because you don’t have an exact blueprint of your route from the ice cream truck to the kiddie pool does’t mean you’re going to get lost. Seriously, you could have so much more fun if you just relaxed and let the world happen.
SCORPIO OCT 23 — NOV 21
I know someone who moved to England a while ago and immediately started using all the British terms for things: you know, she put things in the boot of the car, her apartment became her flat, etc. In, like, the first week. She’s probably spelling gray “grey,” too. Shun the pretentious, Scorpio, affectation is a poor mask for insecurity.
SAGITTARIUS NOV 22 — DEC 21
So what if I over-identify with 19th-century maritime aesthetics? Are you trying to tell me that you don’t like striped shirts and curly mustaches and wool coats? Just because someone is obviously stealing their look does not necessarily make that look bad. Everybody steals, Sagittarius, it just depends on who you steal from.
CAPRICORN DEC 22 — JAN 19
Sometimes that quiet person sitting on the sidelines isn’t cool and mysterious— sometimes they’re just socially inept and uninteresting (and a terrible dinner guest). Sometimes that person who’s all alone deserves to be: not everyone is misunderstood, some people are just dull and unoriginal, Capricorn.
AQUARIUS JAN 20 — FEB 18
It’s a new year. Let’s make it better, shall we, Aquarius? Things to do this year: become smarter, fitter and spend more time trying to relax. Also, let’s organize all of our material possessions into colorful piles and set the whole crazy thing on fire! And then we’ll never have to worry about this kind of crap again.
PISCES FEB 19 — MAR 20
You know why I like dogs? Loyalty. Dogs know about loyalty. Dogs remember who feeds them, who lets them sleep under the covers and who picks the burrs off their tails. They also remember who tries to steal their toys, and who smells bad. Misbehave, Pisces, and you may just get bitten.