TAURUS APR 20 — MAY 20
A desire to do bad things, Taurus, does not make you a bad person. We are all complicated, highly fallible machines given to breakdowns, screw-ups, and general errors in judgment. So, lest you fully flay the skin from your back I need you to ease up on the self-castigation. Also, it’s totally fucking boring and self-obsessed. Your transgressions aren’t that interesting.
GEMINI MAY 21 — JUNE 20
So all the oranges in Florida froze to death. When I was a kid, my favorite Freezie flavor was orange, so child-me would probably see this deep citrus freeze as a good thing. The thing is, Gemini, child-me was really stupid, even by the low standards of child-astrologists. At this point I forget what this is about because, you know, I’m still stupid.
CANCER JUNE 21 — JULY 22
We are pleased to inform you that you’ve been selected as the inaugural grand prize winner of our most popular prize ever! To claim your prize, simply mail this magazine to Nigeria and include ten billion Gambian dalasis sprinkled with powdered sugar and a little bourbon. And then, Cancer, everything will be all right. (Actually, it won’t.)
LEO JULY 23 — AUG 22
As I get older, Leo, I feel more inclined to use violence. I’m a little surprised by this—I’d always thought of aging as a mellowing process, an arrival home to a peaceful country. I don’t know, maybe I’m just tired of ambiguity and crave the abrupt clarity of a solid shot to the nose. THWACK! See, there I go again. Sorry. Shit, you ok?
VIRGO AUG 23 — SEP 22
A life on the High Seas isn’t quite as glamorous as you might think, Virgo—it’s not all cabin boys and cutlasses and grog. Look, someone has to iron the mizzen sail and declaw the king crab and talk to the Dutch (ugh). But if you’re really sure that this is what you want to do with your life, become a pirate—you should always, ALWAYS, follow your heart.
LIBRA SEP 23 — OCT 22
I have a confession to make, Libra, a painful one I must make so I can move forward in my life and begin healing. Here’s the thing: during the writing of my horoscopes in the fall of 2007, I knowingly took performance-enhancing drugs (coffee spiked with absinthe) to help me write. Mea culpa. Cheaters never win (if they get caught).
SCORPIO OCT 23 — NOV 21
Blindly following your “friends” is just not cool, Scorpio. I don’t care if they’re paying you a lot of money to take orders. Wait, what? Your friends are paying you to hang out? Are they nice to you? Really? Wow. That actually doesn’t sound like such a bad gig in this economy. Overtime? Benefits! Really. Shit. They need more “friends”?
SAGITTARIUS NOV 22 — DEC 21
You’ve packed a lot of living into your life, Sagittarius, but if you’ll permit me a little candor, some of it seems to be catching up with you. Remember when you used to stay up for days just partying and talking and eating and ingesting whatever was put in front of you? If you keep that up, you’ll be decrepit by 2012. So yeah, cleanse.
CAPRICORN DEC 22 — JAN 19
It’s always something, Capricorn. You fix the refrigerator and the oven breaks; you quell the unrest on the coast and all of a sudden the jungle tribes act up; your foot finally stops aching and then your hair catches fire. Life right!? I know. The only way you’re ever going to escape the hassle is if you freeze yourself for a thousand years. Obvs.
AQUARIUS JAN 20 — FEB 18
Money has a funny way of actually making people happy. Well, not exactly happy in the purest sense of the word… I guess what I’m talking about is finding relief from anxiety. I don’t care what people say, Aquarius, there is a certain level of material stability required to go through life without constantly stressing the fuck out. So don’t feel bad about feeling good about money.
PISCES FEB 19 — MAR 20
I got your family newsletter last month and I must say it was great to hear all about little Murray’s success with the new piano teacher. Also, please give Aunt Nancy a big, wet kiss on the cheek for me! On a more serious note, I’m afraid I have to ask for the return of my barbeque tongs… I just can’t get along without them, Pisces!