ARIES MAR 21 — APR 19
I don't wanna know, Aries! I don't care! You have your reasons, I'm sure, well-cultivated justifications for doing all the little selfish things you do, but I really don't want to hear them—you know I'll just get angry if I do. Maybe you should listen to yourself some time, try to get a sense of just how self-deceiving you can get. Wake up, change.

TAURUS APR 20 — MAY 20
I was walking in the woods one day when I discovered a trap door at my feet. I tried to open the door but found I could not. I came back with a sledgehammer and still the door held fast; dynamite... nothing. I came back each day and struggled in vain to open the trap. To this day, Taurus, I return each week and try to open the door. And still I fail, and still I return.

GEMINI MAY 21 — JUNE 20
I knew a woman who used to catch her tears in a beaker and when she had enough liquid she'd make them into ice cubes and serve them in cocktails to her enemies. Those cocktails were really delicious, and even now I crave one. You see, Gemini, there is a dark part of us that is relieved by—enjoys even—the pain of others. Because for a moment it is not us.

CANCER JUNE 21 — JULY 22
Why does volleyball always get the short end of the sporting stick? Or is it netball I'm thinking of? Which is the one with the spandexed horse and the burlap helmet and the ten-mark scoring system? Don't believe me, Cancer, don't trust that this is a legitimate sport? Well I'm here to tell you that loomballing is the next big thing. Watch out, NHL.

LEO JULY 23 — AUG 22
When's the last time you just straight-up fell asleep at your desk, Leo? I swear I just did while writing this VERY IMPORTANT HOROSCOPE. It's not that I'm bored, underslept and constitutionally unable to focus on any one thing for longer than 45 minutes, it's that in channeling the sidereal voices, one becomes exhausted; which leads to sleepiness. G'night!

VIRGO AUG 23 — SEP 22
Man oh man. I had to wait for three different subway trains this morning, they were all so crammed up to the gills with commuters. It was horrible. And when I finally squeezed on I was surrounded by crates of geese and ducks, and giant amphorae of olive oil. Then I realized I was actually on a Roman ship, c. 27 B.C. What a weird morning I had, Virgo.

LIBRA SEP 23 — OCT 22
Just because you have a superpower, Libra, doesn't mean you should flaunt it—and btw, being able to walk three miles in 25 minutes isn't all that impressive a power. You know what is an awesome power? Shooting laser beams of predictive information out of your eyeballs... now that's impressive. (I can't actually do this, though I've tried.)

SCORPIO OCT 23 — NOV 21
Whoever first said â�‚��“old habits die hardâ�‚�� would be a rich man if he'd managed to copyright the thing. Problem is, he had this terrible old habit of avoiding his responsibilities and lost the copyright application under a scattering of papers. So, the moral of this, Scorpio, is that no matter how much you screw up, you'll have something to make an excuse of.

SAGITTARIUS NOV 22 — DEC 21
It's time we had old-school European trams on the streets of New York, Sagittarius. Big yellow trams attached to a complex series of overhead cables that occasionally shoot sparks down upon the heads of unsuspecting pedestrians who then think they are having epiphanies. Epiphany! Maybe all the problems you're having with your roommate are your fault?

CAPRICORN DEC 22 — JAN 19
Thank you, thank you for coming. There really is a lot of love in the room tonight, I can feel it... So, on to tonight's show: our first guest is Envy, a tenacious veteran of your personality who makes sudden and upsetting public appearances at least once a month... let's hear it for Envy!!! Let's hope this is Envy's last appearance for a while, Capricorn, shall we?

AQUARIUS JAN 20 — FEB 18
These really do feel like anxious times, don't they, Aquarius? With Europe now seemingly on the brink of economic collapse, an American civic discourse that's been hijacked by nativists and naysayers, and a totally polluted China, the future doesn't seem a bright one for our funny little species. But don't let that get to you. You're in for some nice times ahead, I promise.

PISCES FEB 19 — MAR 20
You gotta let yourself hope... You can't live your entire life expecting little, hoping for less. I know you're pathologically terrified of disappointment, but enough is enough. I want you, Pisces, to start visualizing the best possible outcomes in any given situation. I know that'll lead to the occasional upset, but if you don't try, you won't get anything from life.