TAURUS APR 20 — MAY 20
How many continents have you been to, Taurus? I've only been to three and I'm starting to get nervous. Because really, this life of ours is but brief waking amid the eternal night of the universe, so if you don't do it now, when are you going to do it? That's why I'm building a rocket ship in my backyard. And that's why I'm going to fly that sucker some day.
GEMINI MAY 21 — JUNE 20
I don't often give this kind of advice, but maybe you should think about taking more pills. It just seems like you could use more stability in your day-to-day moods, because the whole "crazy Gemini/sane Gemini/which one are you gonna get Gemini" thing is starting to get a little tired. Maybe you just need more exercise, or a better diet. You gotta do something, though.
CANCER JUNE 21 — JULY 22
So, spring is officially here (sure, there were some warm days at the beginning of the month, but I'm talking about the official start). Are you ready? I think this one's going to be a little different, Cancer. It's a new decade, a new start... I can't really explain it but I'm feeling optimistic. That's right, you heard me, optimism. And I think you should be too.
LEO JULY 23 — AUG 22
"It was a bright, clear morning, just after dawn. There were two of us in the rowboat, sitting in silence, waiting for the bell to sound. And as the tocsin rippled across the water to the far side of the lake we dipped our oars and began to pull." We dipped our oars and began to pull. C'mon, Leo, when is an anecdote about rowing ever just an anecdote about rowing?
VIRGO AUG 23 — SEP 22
What's with all the cursing, Virgo? You've been swearing up a storm lately, and it's not pretty. Do you think your newfound use of profanity gives you more personality? Do you think it makes you cool? Because you know it doesn't, right? It makes you look like a ten-year-old trying on Daddy's suit—which is to say really stupid. Now quit your fucking cussing.
LIBRA SEP 23 — OCT 22
Dude, are you high? WTF? Look. I don't have any fundamental problem with mind-altering substances (I love, love, love Sour Patch Kids. for example) but I think you might be in need of a spring cleansing, if you know what I mean. Can't you just enjoy the world for what it is, Libra, even if for only a moment? Try seeing with clear eyes for a few hours.
SCORPIO OCT 23 — NOV 21
I would kill for a plate of spaghetti right now, Scorpio. And you know why? Because it would serve as a perfect metaphor for your future. The noodles represent the infinitely entangled paths that fate provides you, the sauce represents your general zest for living, and the cheese is a symbol of how you seem to be improving with age. All good things. Buon appetito!
SAGITTARIUS NOV 22 — DEC 21 Have you noticed lately the large number of grown women in their forties pushing around on a scooter? I have. I can only imagine these are parents who are "borrowing" their children's playthings during the school day out of some misplaced grab at childhood whimsy. Don't they look ridiculous, Sagittarius? Yes, they do. YOU PEOPLE LOOK LIKE IDIOTS.
CAPRICORN DEC 22 — JAN 19
Now that the weather's gotten warmer we can all finally get back to what we do best here in New York City: lying on our backs in the park divining animal shapes from the clouds. Look! There's a monkey! There's a narwhal! There's a monkey riding a narwhal? You see how much fun that is. My point here, Capricorn, is that you need to relearn fun. Or you will die.
AQUARIUS JAN 20 — FEB 18
Barge travel is the future, Aquarius, it's inevitable. As our roads crumble and our oil runs out and our planes refuse to fly, humanity will take to the canals, zooming all over the place in adorable little barges. Mark my words, this is what's going to happen. So why not be in the avant-garde for once? Yup. I'm pretty much telling you to buy a barge. Now.
PISCES FEB 19 — MAR 20
Beach season is around the corner, Pisces... are you ready? Have you been doing 1,000 crunches a day? Are you lean, mean and depilated? If you're like me, you've been wearing a blanket around the house for the last six months and are pale, wan and sickly. I know it's gonna hurt, but I think you need some summertime boot camp.