CANCER JUNE 21-JULY 22
When's the last time you couldn't tell if it was sunset or sunrise, Cancer? Well shoot, you gotta cut loose one of these days, lest you calcify within that rigid schedule you've been keeping. Patterns numb us into being TOTALLY FUCKING BORING. And that's no good.
ARIES MAR 21-APR 19
Fathers never really listen to their sons, nor sons to their fathers. This is the way of the world: we speak so we can hear ourselves, and listen only when the subject turns to us. It is a rare talent, Aries, to let go of the self long enough to feel the world. Try it!
TAURUS APR 20-MAY 20
We have too many names for things, these days, Taurus. Our hysterical taxonomical drive to catalogue and pathologize the entire spectrum of human emotion (and prescribe a pill for it) is itself perhaps our culture's deepest pathology. My point, here, is that it's ok to be sad.
GEMINI MAY 21-JUNE 20
We can't all be faded old country stars sitting at the corner of the bar drinking whiskey from a tankard we brought from home that the bartender (Suzette, a former back-up singer in Mobile) knows just how to fill with one flick of her supple wrist. Nope, Gemini, we sure can't.
LEO JULY 23-AUG 22
Why in the hell do you have to anthropomorphize everything? Talking dogs, talking fire hydrants, talking buses... It's really weird to walk down the street with someone who just keeps ventriloquizing every single object around. You do know that I can talk, right, Leo? (Please stop using that cartoon voice.)
VIRGO AUG 23-SEPT 22
Prison porn! It's the latest craze sweeping the nation's schoolyards! Ha, just kidding, that's not happening at all. Whatever is happening is probably worse—those kids are scary, Virgo, and each year we get older, they get harder to understand. Prison porn!
LIBRA SEPT 23-OCT 22
Getting drunk on warm vodka in a cheap hotel room is a little slice of heaven. Or was that cheap vodka in a warm room? Damn it, Libra, I can't ever remember what the hell the thing was about that. But whatever it is I miss it. Hooboy. When the sun hits yer face around noon
SCORPIO OCT 23-NOV 21
You ever run into those assholes who say things like, "If aliens landed on Earth they'd think dogs owned people because of the way they just lead them around." Man, I hate those kinds of assholes Scorpio, I'm concerned you might be becoming one of those of assholes.
SAGITTARIUS NOV 22 -DEC 21
God what a funny life, right, Sagittarius? It's filled with clowns and mimes and stand-up comedians and sitcoms and politicians and pigs in dresses and the hard bright truth of endless and eternal death. Hahaha. Loving life, right? RIGHT? What a funny fucking life.
CAPRICORN DEC 22-JAN 19
When I was 15 I came across an ad in a hunting catalogue for land in the Ozarks. As my Great-Aunt Gerta had recently died and left me three million marks I decided to jump in and buy 100 American hectares. Well, I'm going there this fall, Capricorn, to build a yurt. Wish me luck!
AQUARIUS JAN 20 -FEB 18
A heartbeat is a fragile, confusing sort of magical thing. It is banal and repetitive, and yet somehow breathtakingly impossible, an endless lifelong rhythm measuring out the full span of a human life. Holy smokes, right, Aquarius! It's crazy to think about somatic shit like that, no?
PISCES FEB 19 -MAR 20
I'm gonna get me a donkey one day and I'm gonna name that donkey Gaspar. And then I'm gonna get me a friendly bull named Ferdinand, and Gaspar and Ferdinand are gonna be pals and are gonna totally rule the school. That's my plan, Pisces. Me, Gaspar, Ferdinand and a sunny field of clover.