Wednesday, September 1, 2010

HOROSCOPE

Posted by on Wed, Sep 1, 2010 at 2:00 AM

CANCER JUNE 21-JULY 22
Hey, you know that song, "Strange Fruit," the one about lynchings, written for Billie Holliday? Yeah, it's really intense. There's a version of it sung by Nina Simone. You should listen to it. NOW. REALLY LOUD.

ARIES MAR 21-APR 19
Promises. We all make them. We all break them. But we try to keep them, don't we? We try to be good, and even though we fail, we must keep trying. Because only the good get chocolate.

TAURUS APR 20-MAY 20
There's such a thing as too much planning. Take road trips: do you really need to know what kind of snacks you're going to be eating on a per mile basis? You do, don't you… That means you're crazy.

GEMINI MAY 21-JUNE 20
Sometimes I wish I were a duke or a baron. Then I could have an indoor tennis court and a manservant called "Darrin." And Darrin would bring me lime rickeys all day long. Boy, I wish I were a duke.

LEO JULY 23-AUG 22
I'm in the middle of building one of those model ships that fits into a bottle, except I keep smashing the bottles with my hammer. Actually, I've just been smashing a bunch of bottles, with my hammer. It's fun.

virgo aug 23-sep 22
Be careful what you ask people to do. Even though they might seem to do it willingly and with grace, they may come to despise you in the end. Loyalty and obedience, once they sour, are terrifying things.

libra sept 23-oct 22
The next logical step in the evolution of Bedford Avenue style is obviously the comb-over. Mark my words. Even the well-haired youth will shave their pates and effect a true Howard Cosell. Who's laughing now?!?

scorpio oct 23-nov 21
You know how Stanley Kubrick shot the sequel to Love Story using nothing but candlelight? That was pretty cool. Oh, if you were thinking of making a big purchase this month, you definitely should.

sagittarius nov 22 -dec 21
Not to get Seinfeld on all y'all, but what's the deal with duvets? A pillowcase for a blanket? Ridiculous. It reminds of your current predicament: you can't cover up the truth.

capricorn dec 22-jan 19
I'm kind of freaked out that Cecil is a woman's name. And that Carroll is a man's name. My whole worldview has been shaken. You know what I do when that happens? I get really, really drunk. Cheers.

aquarius jan 20 -feb 18
I'm currently reading Upton Sinclair's socialist realist classic, The Jungle, and boy is it a humdinger of injustice and depredation. The saddest part is how little has changed. Chicago is still a drag.

pisces feb 19 -mar 20
Steel cups. Steel cups are awesome. You pour cold beer into steel cups and they get this kind of frosty mist on the exterior. And when steel cups are empty you can use them to crack nuts. Everyone should drink from steel cups.

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