VIRGO AUG 23 -SEP 22
Where I grew up, high school football wasn't taken very seriously. In fact, it was kind of a joke sport, the way netball is thought of here in the United States. I feel a little sad about never having had the chance to date a cheerleader, but there is nothing I can do to change that fact. Find peace, Virgo, before it finds you.

CANCER JUN 21-JUL 22
Ok, I'll admit it, I'm bald. I've been bald for a while now, so I'm cool with it. But last night I had a dream I met someone while I was wearing a hat, and they really seemed to like me, but then I freaked out because they didn't know I was really bald. Oh no! Vanity is a trap, Cancer.

ARIES MAR 21-APR 19
While you're at it, Aries, why don't you put on a big kettle of peaches to cook down into sauce? We just have so many peaches in the kitchen right now, it would be a shame to watch them all slowly putrefy into a viscous, fly-ridden mess of sickly sweet fruit flesh. Like our love, you intemperate cow.

TAURUS APR 20-MAY 20
OMG, only a few weeks till hockey season starts!!!! I can't tell you how truly excited I am, Taurus, as any redblooded Laplander would be. Hockey, I have always found, is the perfect analog for life: it's violent, fast, joyous, agonizing, desperate and mainly played by Canadians. You should learn to skate this winter.

GEMINI MAY 21-JUNE 20
So, Gemini, how's the decade treating you so far? Between you and me, I have a particularly good feeling about the next ten years, insofar as I can't imagine they'll be as bad as the last ten (not for me personally, but for the world). Of course, I could be wrong. That would suck, wouldn't it, if I was wrong?

LEO JULY 23-AUG 22
I was chopping the crap out of a giant wild rose bush the other day, and I got so many goddamn thorns all over my body I felt like a thousand tiny suns had given me a thousand tiny sunburns. Thus begins my own personal War of the Roses, in which I will fight all roses. Outta my way, Leo.

LIBRA SEP 23-OCT 22
You look and you look and you look and then, without even noticing, the thing you were looking at has transformed completely and you realize you're locked in a Romanian ladies' room with no money and no gun. Has this ever happened to you, Libra? Because it's about to…

SCORPIO OCT 23-NOV 21
Don't go into the woods, Scorpio. Not for the next two weeks. Please, just don't go in there. I can't tell you why, exactly, but I can tell you that it involves several ghoulish cardboard cutouts of M. Emmett Walsh holding a paintball gun. Someone is out to get you, dude.

SAGITTARIUS NOV 22-DEC 21
Wasps, though they appear meaner and more evil than honey bees, actually have a more bearable sting: it's quicker, sharper, and the pain lasts all of three seconds. It's also pretty easy to deal with them if you just make sure to have gin chilled in the freezer at all times. Jokes, Sagittarius, I got ‘em.

CAPRICORN DEC 22-JAN 19
Dear Capricorn, I'm thinking of setting up an escrow account for my cat, Foibles. The plan would be to take ten percent of Foibles' monthly earnings and deposit them into a high-yield account cached somewhere in the Turks and Caicos. This way, at the end of each year, Foibles will have enough money to host his own Cat Party.

AQUARIUS JAN 20-FEB 18
Soren, Lucian, Otto, Kit, Royal, Charlie… What's really in a name, Aquarius? Letters. It's just letters. Also, sounds. Also, references to other people, and other lives lived. So actually, there's a lot in a name, they're pretty important. That's why I'm changing mine to Stephanie. That's such a pretty name.

PISCES FEB 19-MAR 20
I went through a pretty serious metal phase when I was 11 years old. I read metal mags and everything. I even watched Krokus concert videos, fer chrissakes. But that doesn't mean I'm down with ironic metal now, Pisces, so you can stop with your Danzig sing-alongs and your Ronnie James Dio tribute nights. Thanks.