SAGITTARIUS Nov 22 -Dec 21
Lavender ain’t your color. Really, it’s not. Scarves, lipstick, support hose, ball caps, pin-striped suits… No, no, no, no and no. These days, you need primary colors, red and blue. That’s it, Sagittarius, no arguments, this is what you need now.
CAPRICORN Dec 22-Jan 19
It’s hard to love something, isn’t it, Capricorn? When you begin to really love, you begin to really understand that the world can take things away from you, just like that. This is a hard thing to know. The hardest thing, really. But that’s love.
AQUARIUS Jan 20 -Feb 18
You look like you could use a drink, Aquarius. Like ten. Margaritas, passion fruit, with really high-end tequila. And with those drinks you’ll need a beachfront bar, white sand and deep aquamarine seas… You really need a vacation.
PISCES Feb 19 -Mar 20
What was your favorite album as a 16-year-old? Think hard. Consult your old journals. Examine your archived binders. Now find that album and play it, Pisces. Play it for a week straight. Inhabit that time in your life, and then let it go.
ARIES Mar 21-Apr 19 Just because you know how to use a crossbow to bring down an elk does not make you the lord of the jungle. Your whole "hunters vs. farmers, cave man diet" shit is getting really tired, Aries. And video game hunting really doesn’t count. Try maintaining a tomato plant for a year… That’s something real.
TAURUS Apr 20-May 20
I want a beer. I want my pyjamas. I want to ride on a tractor. I want pie (no, not that pie, that pie). I want to look at dioramas. I want to water ski behind a pride of royal dolphins. I want to be loved, even for just a moment, for who I am. You gotta know what you want, Taurus.
GEMINI May 21-June 20
There are places, Gemini, in this world of ours, that don’t have seasons. I could not live in those countries. I’ve always held that the sharp changes in season help us to remember parts of our lives we’d otherwise forget. There’s something almost olfactory in the sharp mnemonic pivot brought on by the first cold night. Shit.
CANCER June 21-July 22
I knew a woman who kept a simmering pot of food on the stove at all times. And into this slow-burbling pot would go all the day’s leftovers, no matter what they were. This pot was always cooking, day and night, and it yielded truly awful meals. This woman was totally unhappy, Cancer. Crazy, too.
LEO July 23-Aug 22
New studies at the University of Auckland have actually revealed that it’s impossible to drown in a bathtub. Over the course of three days, 35 very depressed volunteers attempted to drown themselves in eight clawfoot bathtubs, to no avail. So all those old sayings, Leo? Bullshit.
VIRGO Aug 23-Sep 22
Oh to be taken care of one more time, like when we were kids. To be carried up the stairs after a long car ride, half asleep, safe and warm. And grilled cheese, just so. Life is full of fear and woe, Virgo, but boy is it also filled with small happiness, everywhere, all the time. What a truly strange species we are.
LIBRA Sept 23-Oct 22
I recently participated in a small Moldovan ad campaign on behalf of a popular brand of morning cakes called MertKakker. The MertKakker people made a thousand "life-size" cutouts of me, except they were all slightly undersize. Libra, do you sometimes feel smaller than life-size? Doesn’t feel good, does it?
LIBRA sept 23-oct 22 Sleeping outside in the winter is a remarkable thing: the air is clear as knives, and the only sound is the ice moving across the forest floor; your breath hovers above you in a misted purse and the stars spell out the things you can't forget. Oh Libra, you've got to try it.
SCORPIO oct 23-nov 21 I drank two quarts of milk a day when I was a boy. But then in my twenties, I stopped, and started drinking beer. Now I drink milk again, and beer. Don't listen to people, Scorpio, when they tell you that you can't have it all. Cuz dude, you can.
SAGITTARIUS nov 22-Dec 21 Stop being such a dick. Seriously, Sagittarius. I'm not saying you are a dick, but just that you've been acting like one lately. And you know it, don't tell me you don't. There's something deeply angry in you and it's coming out all wrong. Try some nettle tea and a cheese sandwich.
CAPRICORN DEC 22-JAN 19 What piece of advice would you go back and give your 12-year-old self, Capricorn? Don't pull on Jennifer Fudge's bra strap? Don't shoplift that ice cream cake from Jug City? Don't smoke pine needles? For me it's pretty much all of the above.
AQUARIUS JAN 20-FEB 18 You're doing very good work these days, Aquarius. I can't really fault any of your decisions over the last fortnight. Could this be a turning point for you? I feel like you've come to accept some pretty important truths, lately, that will stay with you for the rest of your life. Hooray!
PISCES FEB 19-MAR 20 Your bitterness is beginning to poison more than just your own life, Pisces. It's slipping into the world of those around you and making them sick. I know you don't want to hear this, but you still have a chance to turn it around. And it all begins with a better haircut. I'm serious.
ARIES MAR 21-APR 19 You gotta party a lil bit harder, Aries. While I respect your whole "now I'm a mature adult who doesn't inject vodka into fruit and freeze it" approach to life, I really think you're just a boring old person now. Don't be that, ok? Just don't.
TAURUS APR 20-MAY 20 Attachments. The world's major religions help us deal with our earthly desires by replacing them with an obscure and distant God. This hasn't worked so well over the years, has it? So I say embrace your attachments, Taurus. And own them.
GEMINI MAY 21-JUNE 20 Dance like you have ants in your pants. Dance like you have France in your pants. Dance like your pants are in France with your aunts. Why are your pants in France with your aunts? Because you can't dance, or because you don't like France? Gemini?
CANCER JUNE 21-JULY 22 Secure the perimeter! Tie down the mizzenmast! Take the cake out of the oven! How are you in a panic, Cancer? Because sometimes I find myself yelling hysterically for no reason at all. Just screaming out jibberish. So I need someone good in a panic. And that's you.
LEO JULY 23-AUG 22 Are you ready for the future, Leo? I don't think you are. The future is a magical place, a golden tomorrow filled with promise and hope and waffles and cheese fondue and talking dogs and totally realistic sexbots. I for one welcome our new sexbot overlords. Will you?
VIRGO AUG 23-SEP 22 It's ok to be afraid of death, Virgo, the unknown is scary shit. But does it make sense to be afraid of something inevitable, something unavoidable? Why bother wringing your hands about the great unknown when there's so much to do? So much to see?