SAGITTARIUS Nov 22 -Dec 21
Lavender ain’t your color. Really, it’s not. Scarves, lipstick, support hose, ball caps, pin-striped suits… No, no, no, no and no. These days, you need primary colors, red and blue. That’s it, Sagittarius, no arguments, this is what you need now.
CAPRICORN Dec 22-Jan 19
It’s hard to love something, isn’t it, Capricorn? When you begin to really love, you begin to really understand that the world can take things away from you, just like that. This is a hard thing to know. The hardest thing, really. But that’s love.
AQUARIUS Jan 20 -Feb 18
You look like you could use a drink, Aquarius. Like ten. Margaritas, passion fruit, with really high-end tequila. And with those drinks you’ll need a beachfront bar, white sand and deep aquamarine seas… You really need a vacation.
PISCES Feb 19 -Mar 20
What was your favorite album as a 16-year-old? Think hard. Consult your old journals. Examine your archived binders. Now find that album and play it, Pisces. Play it for a week straight. Inhabit that time in your life, and then let it go.
ARIES Mar 21-Apr 19 Just because you know how to use a crossbow to bring down an elk does not make you the lord of the jungle. Your whole "hunters vs. farmers, cave man diet" shit is getting really tired, Aries. And video game hunting really doesn’t count. Try maintaining a tomato plant for a year… That’s something real.
TAURUS Apr 20-May 20
I want a beer. I want my pyjamas. I want to ride on a tractor. I want pie (no, not that pie, that pie). I want to look at dioramas. I want to water ski behind a pride of royal dolphins. I want to be loved, even for just a moment, for who I am. You gotta know what you want, Taurus.
GEMINI May 21-June 20
There are places, Gemini, in this world of ours, that don’t have seasons. I could not live in those countries. I’ve always held that the sharp changes in season help us to remember parts of our lives we’d otherwise forget. There’s something almost olfactory in the sharp mnemonic pivot brought on by the first cold night. Shit.
CANCER June 21-July 22
I knew a woman who kept a simmering pot of food on the stove at all times. And into this slow-burbling pot would go all the day’s leftovers, no matter what they were. This pot was always cooking, day and night, and it yielded truly awful meals. This woman was totally unhappy, Cancer. Crazy, too.
LEO July 23-Aug 22
New studies at the University of Auckland have actually revealed that it’s impossible to drown in a bathtub. Over the course of three days, 35 very depressed volunteers attempted to drown themselves in eight clawfoot bathtubs, to no avail. So all those old sayings, Leo? Bullshit.
VIRGO Aug 23-Sep 22
Oh to be taken care of one more time, like when we were kids. To be carried up the stairs after a long car ride, half asleep, safe and warm. And grilled cheese, just so. Life is full of fear and woe, Virgo, but boy is it also filled with small happiness, everywhere, all the time. What a truly strange species we are.
LIBRA Sept 23-Oct 22
I recently participated in a small Moldovan ad campaign on behalf of a popular brand of morning cakes called MertKakker. The MertKakker people made a thousand "life-size" cutouts of me, except they were all slightly undersize. Libra, do you sometimes feel smaller than life-size? Doesn’t feel good, does it?