Sagittarius Nov 22-Dec 21
I used to think umbrellas were for the weak. I used to think koalas were amphibians. I used to think Simon LeBon was a real person. I used to think helium was a kind of Swedish cheese. I used to think a lot of things, Sagittarius, and I was wrong.

Capricorn Dec 22-Jan 19
Fratboys are worse than cops but better than drill sergeants. Frogs are better than snakes but worse than spiders. Bread is better than pasta but worse than potatoes. Everything is everything else and you wonder why we’re so mean to each other? Also, the Violent Femmes were pretty great, right? (Sorry, Capricorn, rye poisoning.)

Aquarius Jan 20 -Feb 18
Remember that time you were super anxious about the Hadron supercollider? You thought it was going to contort the space-time continuum into an impenetrable Riemannian vortex and that we’d never get to use all our air miles. Silly Aquarius, space and time are the same thing. Don’t you see that?

Pisces Feb 19 -Mar 20
Henrik Pontoppidan was beloved in his native Denmark. Henrik Pontoppidan won the Nobel Prize for Literature. Yep, things were looking pre-tty good for this exemplar of Scandinavian literature’s famed "Modern Breakthrough," an equal of Ibsen and Strindberg. And then what do you think happened to Henrik Pontoppidan, Pisces? He died. But at least he didn’t die a virgin.

Aries Mar 21-Apr 19
I’ve been contemplating taking a trapeze class. Not an actual class on how to swing on an actual trapeze, but rather trapeze theory: you know, tight coloration, swing control, glitter manipulation, the metaphysics of the pendulum, what we talk about when we talk about dismounts. Sometimes, Aries, theory is more interesting than the thing itself.

Taurus Apr 20-May 20
Honey or vinegar? That’s kind of the universal decision we have to make all the time, every day. Are we going to get what we want by being nice or being a dick? And you know what, Taurus? Every situation is different, there’s no one way to do things. Know what else? Honey and vinegar go together in a nice salad dressing.

Gemini May 21-June 20
I really respect all the time you’ve been putting into writing those special pamphlets on things like "Management in a Time of Prosperity" and "Seven Ways to Field Dress a Brick of Organic Tofu," but I’m not convinced you know what you’re talking about, Gemini. Not convinced.

Cancer June 21-July 22
There is nothing quite equal to the pain expressed in the quavering voice of a really good ghazal singer. Well, perhaps your recent performative poutiness could make a run for it, but I’m thinking you’re not actually that devastated, Cancer. Time to get on with your life.

Leo July 23-Aug 22
If your dreams start looking like an old Super 8 home movie maybe it’s time to get your head out of the archives, Leo. Stop thinking it’s ok to drop the word "microfiche" on first dates—life isn’t lived in the library. It’s lived in the boathouse.

Virgo Aug 23-Sep 22
Are you satisfied with your girth? Until I began receiving a firehose torrent of spam messages on the subject, it never really occurred to me that my penis might not be big enough. Now it’s all I think about; on the 4 train, I stare furtively at the crotches of my fellow commuters. Don’t judge your worth in comparison to others, Virgo. Or maybe do?

Libra Sept 23-Oct 22
Sometimes life is like visiting a movie set. It all looks normal, and people are behaving as people do, but there’s something weird at the heart of it all, as if everyone is following some script you’ve never seen. When you get this feeling, Libra, it might mean you’re just crazy. Or not.

Scorpio Oct 23-Nov 21
Don’t you wish the passed would just stay the passed? Like when you pass a Ford Doppelgänger on the FDR and it insists on catching up and trying to repass you? What is wrong with people? Ugh. Sorry, Scorpio, I’m just having a bad time with humanity and all its stupid racing to the bottom. So be kind to someone today.

SCORPIO Oct 23-Nov 21
Trumpet solo! If you have a boring old pop song, three or four chords of predictably melancholic "fun," you can always liven it up with a trumpet solo! This will make your song important and unique, and will appeal to old people ("listen, mom, a brass section!"). You're welcome, Scorpio.

SAGITTARIUS Nov 22 -Dec 21
There are people who commute four hours a day, every day, locked away in their cars listening to idiots on the radio saying stupid things. I feel badly for these commuter people, Sagittarius, because they end up dumb and angry at the end of each day. We can't have a country filled with the dumb and angry, can we?

CAPRICORN Dec 22-Jan 19
Puppy piles are what you need, Capricorn. You could be depressed and actively suicidal and a puppy pile would pull you out of it like that [snaps fingers]. And you don't even need live dogs! (Though they help.) Just pile up all your favorite clothes, fresh from the dryer, and climb on in! Instant happiness.

AQUARIUS Jan 20 -Feb 18
One day you'll have a donkey, Aquarius. And you'll name that donkey "Ferdinand" and he'll be a wise and gentle donkey, capable of basic arithmetic and good at rehabilitating troubled shelter dogs. Ferdinand will be like the Gandhi of donkeys, and he will make you very happy. Sound good?

PISCES Feb 19 -Mar 20
Oh boy. Thanksgiving is right around the corner. Doesn't it feel like the last one just happened, like you only recently recovered from a turkey coma and/or the lacerating anger of a full-scale family brawl? The inexorable passage of time continues to be a deeply disturbing thing, does it not, Pisces?

ARIES Mar 21-Apr 19
I just got cut off in traffic by a cube van advertising a strip club. I'm not sure if the cube van is actually transporting the relevant materiel for a strip club, or if it's just, like, a banana-delivery van helping out a friend. I don't know. I don't understand the world anymore, Aries.

TAURUS Apr 20-May 20
I'm in the middle of a moral crisis, Taurus. I've been asked by an international astrological trade magazine to pose nude. Now, I don't have any particular hang-ups about my body, but I'm worried that this kind of exposure will tarnish the respectability of my craft. When's the last time you took a big risk?

GEMINI May 21-June 20
Are you having a hard time relaxing these days, Gemini? Does every little act by your fellow humans seem perfectly calibrated to aggravate you? What if I were to tell you that this is, in fact, the case? The universe is conspiring against you and there's nothing you can do. So you might as well roll with it.

CANCER June 21-July 22
Remember acid rain? We totally kicked its ass. And CFCs? Also an ass kicking. Except listen to this: acid rain is making a comeback (in China!), and the use of HCFCs is on the rise (being manufactured by China and India). Sometimes it just makes sense to give up, Cancer.

LEO July 23-Aug 22
Algorhythmic stock trading is the way of the future. Seriously. I think something like 70 percent of all trades are now done by computers, and individual stocks are only held onto for an average of 11 seconds. What the fuck is wrong with us, Leo, that we've created a world like this?

VIRGO Aug 23-Sept 22
Some of the greatest artists in the history of the world have been forgers, men and women who preferred the nuance of the mimetic to the glory of the unique. Also, as a general rule, forgers get paid and artists die poor. So which are you, Virgo? A comfortable expert or a struggling visionary?

LIBRA Sept 23-Oct 22
Fall foliage! I love fall foliage! Orange, yellow, red! I was wondering, Libra, on a recent trip to the internet, why leaves turn such bright colors. I know the causal reason (absence of clorophyl), but what is the bioevolutionary purpose of the bright colors? Do the bright leaves attract birds? Lil help?