SCORPIO Oct 23-Nov 21
Trumpet solo! If you have a boring old pop song, three or four chords of predictably melancholic "fun," you can always liven it up with a trumpet solo! This will make your song important and unique, and will appeal to old people ("listen, mom, a brass section!"). You're welcome, Scorpio.

SAGITTARIUS Nov 22 -Dec 21
There are people who commute four hours a day, every day, locked away in their cars listening to idiots on the radio saying stupid things. I feel badly for these commuter people, Sagittarius, because they end up dumb and angry at the end of each day. We can't have a country filled with the dumb and angry, can we?

CAPRICORN Dec 22-Jan 19
Puppy piles are what you need, Capricorn. You could be depressed and actively suicidal and a puppy pile would pull you out of it like that [snaps fingers]. And you don't even need live dogs! (Though they help.) Just pile up all your favorite clothes, fresh from the dryer, and climb on in! Instant happiness.

AQUARIUS Jan 20 -Feb 18
One day you'll have a donkey, Aquarius. And you'll name that donkey "Ferdinand" and he'll be a wise and gentle donkey, capable of basic arithmetic and good at rehabilitating troubled shelter dogs. Ferdinand will be like the Gandhi of donkeys, and he will make you very happy. Sound good?

PISCES Feb 19 -Mar 20
Oh boy. Thanksgiving is right around the corner. Doesn't it feel like the last one just happened, like you only recently recovered from a turkey coma and/or the lacerating anger of a full-scale family brawl? The inexorable passage of time continues to be a deeply disturbing thing, does it not, Pisces?

ARIES Mar 21-Apr 19
I just got cut off in traffic by a cube van advertising a strip club. I'm not sure if the cube van is actually transporting the relevant materiel for a strip club, or if it's just, like, a banana-delivery van helping out a friend. I don't know. I don't understand the world anymore, Aries.

TAURUS Apr 20-May 20
I'm in the middle of a moral crisis, Taurus. I've been asked by an international astrological trade magazine to pose nude. Now, I don't have any particular hang-ups about my body, but I'm worried that this kind of exposure will tarnish the respectability of my craft. When's the last time you took a big risk?

GEMINI May 21-June 20
Are you having a hard time relaxing these days, Gemini? Does every little act by your fellow humans seem perfectly calibrated to aggravate you? What if I were to tell you that this is, in fact, the case? The universe is conspiring against you and there's nothing you can do. So you might as well roll with it.

CANCER June 21-July 22
Remember acid rain? We totally kicked its ass. And CFCs? Also an ass kicking. Except listen to this: acid rain is making a comeback (in China!), and the use of HCFCs is on the rise (being manufactured by China and India). Sometimes it just makes sense to give up, Cancer.

LEO July 23-Aug 22
Algorhythmic stock trading is the way of the future. Seriously. I think something like 70 percent of all trades are now done by computers, and individual stocks are only held onto for an average of 11 seconds. What the fuck is wrong with us, Leo, that we've created a world like this?

VIRGO Aug 23-Sept 22
Some of the greatest artists in the history of the world have been forgers, men and women who preferred the nuance of the mimetic to the glory of the unique. Also, as a general rule, forgers get paid and artists die poor. So which are you, Virgo? A comfortable expert or a struggling visionary?

LIBRA Sept 23-Oct 22
Fall foliage! I love fall foliage! Orange, yellow, red! I was wondering, Libra, on a recent trip to the internet, why leaves turn such bright colors. I know the causal reason (absence of clorophyl), but what is the bioevolutionary purpose of the bright colors? Do the bright leaves attract birds? Lil help?