Capricorn Dec 22-Jan 19
Are you spending too much time in front of the mirror these days, Capricorn? And no, I don’t mean primping, I mean talking to yourself about how you haven’t yet become the important visionary genius you’d pictured yourself as back when you were 12. Turn away from the mirror and take a picture.
Aquarius Jan 20 -Feb 18
Who you gonna call when the shit really goes down, Aquarius? You need to think about this. Everybody’s your friend when it’s all cocaine and lollipops—but what about when it’s nothing but dry bundt cake and lint, hrmm?
Pisces Feb 19 -Mar 20
Hey! Awesome! It’s the holidays, when everything is magnified through a glistening haze of fake snow, real booze, and twinkly Christmas lights. It’s like when you were a kid and you got into a fight and had to punch through your tears. It’s hard to see, right, Pisces? So don’t bother looking till January.
Aries Mar 21-Apr 19
I was thinking of having a cast made of my head, Aries, but I’m worried it might seem arrogant. It’s not what you’re thinking, though. It’s not for my mantle or the top of my Steinway, it’s for my dog, Bessie. She’s old, and her senses are shot and I think this would make her happy. Is that so wrong?
Taurus Apr 20-May 20
A belly scratched is a penny saved—know what I mean, Taurus? Think about it. Reach out and touch that special someone. Let them know how you feel with actions, gestures, not words. Sometimes the strongest feelings cannot be said, can only be shown. (We’re talking about dogs, right?)
Gemini May 21-June 20
I was watching Rashomon the other night, for the thousandth time, while lying in bed listening to A Child’s Christmas in Wales. Now, maybe it was the port, or maybe it was the benzedrine, but I swear Dylan Thomas’s voice fits perfectly with Toshiro Mifune’s face—it’ll give you goosebumps, Gemini.
Cancer June 21-July 22
You seem a little wild in the eyes, Cancer, like you haven’t slept in a while. Look, when’s the last time you had a square meal and a clean pillow? Come on, man, come inside and I’ll crack a couple beers, make some soup, and everything’ll be alright. I promise, pal, you’ll see.
Leo July 23-Aug 22
Somewhere, right now, in some suburb, a train is passing in the distance, blowing its whistle. And some kid in that suburb is hearing that whistle, and is imagining the great big world out there, far from the ugliness of the milk-sour cafeteria, the grim mall. And that kid feels a little better, Leo. (Are there still trains?)
Virgo Aug 23-Sep 22
You can’t get through winter without a good collection of pop songs, Virgo. I don’t care if it’s a cassette mix from the summer after tenth grade (what a terrifying, awful/wonderful summer that was, right?), you’re gonna need artfully crafted expressions of fleeting, superficial happiness or you might have a breakdown.
Libra Sept 23-Oct 22
Pretend you’re a tourist for a day. Take yourself to the Bronx Zoo, then down to the Statue of Liberty. Put on a tuxedo and go hang out at Grant’s Tomb. Make a rendezvous at the top of the Empire State Building. Endure a night at Sammy’s Roumanian. Escape your life, Libra, even if for just a second.
Scorpio Oct 23-Nov 21
Sometimes it feels like the only kind of luck is bad luck, eh Scorpio? Like your three-legged dog just up and left you for a cat person, or your diary’s about to be released by Wikileaks. The only advice I have for you is to go back to bed until it’s over.