Wednesday, January 19, 2011

Horoscope

Posted By on Wed, Jan 19, 2011 at 4:00 AM

Aquarius Jan 20 -Feb 18 Well, I suppose you could be here any minute, Aquarius. How about that? We're doing our best to prepare—new Barcalounger, Zima on ice, freshly pressed slacks—but I'm sure in our excitement we've forgotten one or two important things. So please forgive us our small failings, we're just really happy you've decided to come.

Pisces Feb 19 -Mar 20 Imagine if the government was run by angels? Oh what a wonderful government that would be! We could pay our taxes in hugs and our roads would be paved with satin and we wouldn't need healthcare reform because everyone would want to die and become a bureaucratic angel! Oh Pisces, let there be angels! With dirty faces!

Aries Mar 21-Apr 19 Screaming, chaos, wild and unruly hoydens running amok through the cold winter snow—it's just another winter wonderland in Brooklyn! (Yes, hoydens, seriously, I saw em.) There's a particular madness in the air, these days, Aries. Might as well join in.

Taurus Apr 20-May 20 The thump thump of the downstairs neighbor playing old Heart records at three in the morning is actually kind of comforting to me. Sure, it keeps me awake, but there's just something about "Barracuda" rising up through the hardwood flooring and into my thorax that touches my soul. Don't fight the moment, Taurus.

Gemini May 21-June 20 Normally I get pretty angry and irritated by twentysomethings having snowball fights. I'm not a big fan of "fun" or "free spiritedness"—frankly, I think it's immoral. For some reason, though, this winter, I've almost enjoyed watching college-educated youth shoving snow down each other's pants. Does that make me a pervert, Gemini? Probably.

Cancer June 21-July 22 One more year to go until the next doomsday countdown (heh, Y2K, that was awesome). So, twentytwelve… Do you have plans for the Apocalypse, Cancer? I thought I'd buy a nice bottle of wine, iron my vest, set out the cheese to warm, and enjoy some Wodehouse. It's important to plan for the future, you know…

Leo July 23-Aug 22 If your life was a movie, Leo, Armond White would probably dismiss at as "reactionary bourgeois decadence wholly detached from what makes America great." Then he would probably compare your life unfavorably to Eddie Murphy's Norbit. Sometimes contrarianism is just stupidity.

Virgo Aug 23-Sep 22 Wouldn't it be totally radballs if there was a big mountain just jutting straight up from the middle of Brooklyn? I'm not talking a hill, I mean a real, ski-able mountain, with chairlifts and chalets and brown bears and everything. And in the summer you could hike on it. (Basically, Virgo, I just really want to go skiing.)

Libra Sept 23-Oct 22 Belief is like a pint of beer in a busy bar. It takes a little effort to acquire, a lot of it spills to the floor on the way back to your table, and sometimes it can do more harm than good. But it's delicious, and can make you do inspired and interesting things. On the whole, though, Libra, I'll take beer.

Scorpio Oct 23-Nov 21 I was thinking of rebranding myself as an "artisanal, locally grown, fully sustainable, organic" astrologist. But then I realized that I probably couldn't get by without the copious amounts of MSG I consume; nor can I afford anything but factory farmed grouse bones (for auguries). Oh well, Scorpio, sometimes ideological purity is just a bad thing.

Sagittarius Nov 22 -Dec 21 We can't get through life alone. And by "get through" I mean expect even a modicum of happiness. Do you expect to be happy, Sagittarius, as you move through existence? I used to think if you expected nothing, you would then be happily surprised when good things happened. Now I know that if you expect nothing, you'll get nothing.

Capricorn Dec 22-Jan 19 Chainsaw ice sculpting: cool or lame, Capricorn? Pigtails on husky dudes: cool or lame? Sweater vests tucked into dungarees? Viking helmets? Watermelons soaked through with vodka? One-man bands? Talking like a pirate? COOL. These are all cool things. You have my blessing.

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