Pisces Feb 19 -Mar 20
We've been waiting for you for a while now. That's ok, though, you're here now, and man am I glad to see you. You honestly didn't miss much... A sunset or two, the Fall of the Berlin Wall, etc. So look, Pisces, now that you're here, maybe you should relax and stick around?

Aries Mar 21-Apr 19
Remembering the dead is something we must do by speaking their names out loud. If we don't, they'll get lost. They'll get stuck between the pages of books, or buried under layers of wallpaper. Go on, Aries, even if it hurts. The names.

Taurus Apr 20-May 20
Staying up late and getting drunk waiting for the early morning cartoons to come on is not something you should do more than once a week, Taurus. It sort of wrecks your chance at leading a decent life. Also, though? Decent life=overrated.

Gemini May 21-June 20
It's not cool to always be comparing people's body parts to food. "His arm was like a canapé," or "Her cheeks were like veal cheeks." See? Not cool, Gemini. How about you just dispense with similes altogether? REAL TALK FOR ONCE.

Cancer June 21-July 22
Visualize what you want. You want a box of raisinettes? Visualize it. Cricket helmet? Visualize it. Happiness? I'm not sure how you visualize that, Cancer. Flowers? A puppy? Raisinettes? I don't know. Happiness is beyond me.

Leo July 23-Aug 22
If you're going to gorge yourself on something, you have to be prepared to suffer for it. I knew a sous-chef who used to drink a bottle of Chartreuse a month, in one sitting, with all the lights off, listening to early Genesis. But you know, Leo, he never really suffered! So yeah, go nuts!

Virgo Aug 23-Sep 22
For once, just don't get in the middle of it, Virgo. Stay on the sidelines. Let opposing forces tire themselves out as you sit quietly by watching old episodes of Sanford Und Sohne. The world craves conflict, wants to grind us down. Don't let it.

Libra Sept 23-Oct 22
Good Christ we are way too good at hurting the ones we love. It is our expertise, our calling, our mastery. We do not want to hurt the ones we love, but we cannot help it; in our eyes we hide daggers, in our hearts, slow clouds of poison. Have a good month, Libra!

Scorpio Oct 23-Nov 21
It's frustrating when obvious things happen in obvious ways. Banal things we can see coming from miles away, happening in slow motion in front of our eyes. Bad screenplays, man, so many bad screenplays. We are all just walking around in bad screenplays, Scorpio.

Sagittarius Nov 22 -Dec 21
Sing! Just sing when you're down! Sing when you're happy! Sing the shit out of that shit! Start with just sounds, basic vowels. And then add some words. Maybe rhyme them. Then, some beats... And hey, you're Mark Ronson! Way to go, Sagittarius.

Capricorn Dec 22-Jan 19
What do you think taxi drivers think when they end up taking other cabs? Do you think they judge the other driver? Or do they maybe talk in secret cabbie code? I bet some of them lord it over other taxi drivers like they're momentary big shots. Don't be a jerk like those last guys, Capricorn.

Aquarius Jan 20-Feb 18
It'll be nicer than you think. Really, I promise. Don't be scared. Be brave. Say yes. Get lost. Don't listen. Trust. It'll all be better than it looks. You have no idea. Also, the key to being a good cook is lots of butter. You're going to be just fine, I promise, Aquarius.

Aquarius Jan 20-Feb 18
So what do you think so far? It's kind of loud, right? But it's also superfun. We're happy you're here. There's a ton of stuff to do, and see, and grab, and just straight-up play with. And man, I'll tell you, playing with stuff is probably about the best thing a person can do. Just try to enjoy yourself, Aquarius. A talent for happiness is a special thing.

Pisces Feb 19-Mar 20
I love the word "slalom," Pisces. Not only is it warm and sonorous, doing lovely things to the human mouth, but it also describes a fundamentally important way of being in the world: moving toward a goal with purpose while avoiding inevitable obstacles with grace and determination. So, can I borrow your skis?

Aries Mar 21-Apr 19
When I was 16, I ran away from home and joined a gaggle of wandering teen astrologers, a ragtag troupe of star-reading, skateboarding, paint-huffing funsters. We'd shoplift from the Gulp n' Sip and head down to the manmade beach and do horoscopes for the local trailer trash. I was freer, then, Aries.

Taurus Apr 20-May 20
You need friends, Taurus. I'm serious. I'm not talking about the people you drink with, or watch Jersey Shore with, I'm talking about the people you call with that last quarter you found under the Dr. Pepper machine at the back of the transplant clinic—the people who will actually come and help you look for your kidney. Friends.

Gemini May 21-June 20
It's snowed so much since Christmas that I've finally been able to construct the ice cabin of my dreams. Through painstaking shoveling, and deft use of the water hose, I've built a two-story ice retreat in my backyard. It's totally awesome, Gemini. I sit in the living room reading Austen, eating popsicles.

Cancer June 21-July 22
You know those redwoods in California you can drive a small sedan through? Yeah, Cancer, they're really big. You're kind of like one of those: impressive and majestic when considered at a distance, but all too easily ignored up close. Maybe you could try some colorful scarves? Or a parrot?

Leo July 23-Aug 22
Do you like your job(s), Leo? When you think of being at work do you feel a cohort of stilettos walking across your shoulders and/or a poisonous fluttering of tiny demon wings in your stomach? Are you perhaps being a little histrionic about this? Should you perhaps suck it up? Perhaps. Yes.

Virgo Aug 23-Sep 22
You know, I was thinking recently that Leonard Cohen always, always does the worst version of his own songs. It's sad really. If you listen to any of the myriad covers of his songs, and then listen to his version right after, it's totally barfy. Poor guy. Know your limits, Virgo.

Libra Sept 23-Oct 22
Grace is my favorite idea to come out of Christianity (and yes, I realize the Greeks explored it as a concept, but I'm talking about the way Christianity contextualized it within the noumenal, a force that moves our lives as wind moves the water on a lake). So yeah, Libra, you should've been more graceful when you borrowed my bike.

Scorpio Oct 23-Nov 21
Hey! All of my favorite seed catalogues are starting to show up in the mail! Yay! You know, Scorpio, this means the Earth won't be trapped in a permanent Narnia-style winter? Golly, I love looking at the names of all the crazy heirloom plants: Mormon's Revenge? That's a runner bean I WANT TO EAT.

Sagittarius Nov 22-Dec 21
Did you know there are supercheap toys sold at big-box stores (Walmart!) that are recommended to be washed before any child touches them? Apparently they're coated in some kind of Chinese industrial film that could poison a whale. What the fuck happened to us, Sagittarius? Have we gone mad?

Capricorn Dec 22-Jan 19
Kite fighting is my new thing, and not that lame-ass ornamental "this kite is based on a 17th-century Chinese Imperial dragon-kite, so please don't touch it" bullshit—I'm talking about, "Hey, let's fucking kite-fight, dude!" Aggression and release is a part of who we are, Capricorn...You need to throw down more, with kites.