Pisces Feb 19 -Mar 20
We've been waiting for you for a while now. That's ok, though, you're here now, and man am I glad to see you. You honestly didn't miss much... A sunset or two, the Fall of the Berlin Wall, etc. So look, Pisces, now that you're here, maybe you should relax and stick around?
Aries Mar 21-Apr 19
Remembering the dead is something we must do by speaking their names out loud. If we don't, they'll get lost. They'll get stuck between the pages of books, or buried under layers of wallpaper. Go on, Aries, even if it hurts. The names.
Taurus Apr 20-May 20
Staying up late and getting drunk waiting for the early morning cartoons to come on is not something you should do more than once a week, Taurus. It sort of wrecks your chance at leading a decent life. Also, though? Decent life=overrated.
Gemini May 21-June 20
It's not cool to always be comparing people's body parts to food. "His arm was like a canapé," or "Her cheeks were like veal cheeks." See? Not cool, Gemini. How about you just dispense with similes altogether? REAL TALK FOR ONCE.
Cancer June 21-July 22
Visualize what you want. You want a box of raisinettes? Visualize it. Cricket helmet? Visualize it. Happiness? I'm not sure how you visualize that, Cancer. Flowers? A puppy? Raisinettes? I don't know. Happiness is beyond me.
Leo July 23-Aug 22
If you're going to gorge yourself on something, you have to be prepared to suffer for it. I knew a sous-chef who used to drink a bottle of Chartreuse a month, in one sitting, with all the lights off, listening to early Genesis. But you know, Leo, he never really suffered! So yeah, go nuts!
Virgo Aug 23-Sep 22
For once, just don't get in the middle of it, Virgo. Stay on the sidelines. Let opposing forces tire themselves out as you sit quietly by watching old episodes of Sanford Und Sohne. The world craves conflict, wants to grind us down. Don't let it.
Libra Sept 23-Oct 22
Good Christ we are way too good at hurting the ones we love. It is our expertise, our calling, our mastery. We do not want to hurt the ones we love, but we cannot help it; in our eyes we hide daggers, in our hearts, slow clouds of poison. Have a good month, Libra!
Scorpio Oct 23-Nov 21
It's frustrating when obvious things happen in obvious ways. Banal things we can see coming from miles away, happening in slow motion in front of our eyes. Bad screenplays, man, so many bad screenplays. We are all just walking around in bad screenplays, Scorpio.
Sagittarius Nov 22 -Dec 21
Sing! Just sing when you're down! Sing when you're happy! Sing the shit out of that shit! Start with just sounds, basic vowels. And then add some words. Maybe rhyme them. Then, some beats... And hey, you're Mark Ronson! Way to go, Sagittarius.
Capricorn Dec 22-Jan 19
What do you think taxi drivers think when they end up taking other cabs? Do you think they judge the other driver? Or do they maybe talk in secret cabbie code? I bet some of them lord it over other taxi drivers like they're momentary big shots. Don't be a jerk like those last guys, Capricorn.
Aquarius Jan 20-Feb 18
It'll be nicer than you think. Really, I promise. Don't be scared. Be brave. Say yes. Get lost. Don't listen. Trust. It'll all be better than it looks. You have no idea. Also, the key to being a good cook is lots of butter. You're going to be just fine, I promise, Aquarius.