Pisces Feb 19-Mar 20
So! You're here! What do you want to do today? Stroll around the neighborhood? Sip warm drinks? Muck around with finger paints? The world is an unprecedented self-generating engine of sound and vision, Pisces, of activity and sensation—let's get cracking.
Aries Mar 21-Arp 19
A test pattern has to contain all visual information a TV set might conceivably be called upon to represent; over the decades, technicians have fulfilled these evolving but stringent requirements in wildly divergent ways, producing 8-bit mandalas and credible Barnett Newman knock-offs. Life is like that, too, I guess? You tell me, Aries.
Taurus Apr 20-May 20
Helping other people be better at liking something is a skill often overlooked in this diffuse, solipsistic century, but don't think all those mixtapes and personalized recommendations have gone unnoticed. You're going to make a helluva librarian someday, Taurus, and not just because you look mad foxy in glasses.
Gemini May 21-June 20
Seeing your father naked is weird, isn't it? Like the mysteries of adulthood are rendered suddenly banal and even slightly silly? Like someone's just dropped an appallingly casual reference to the unknown disappointments lurking in your own future? Towels, Gemini. Just... towels.
Cancer June 21-July 22
Self-doubt is natural, self-doubt is good; not everybody doubts themselves, but everybody should. Self-doubt is natural, self-doubt is fun; self-doubt is best, Cancer, when it's free of self-pity, and undertaken with the goal of active self-betterment.
Leo July 23-Aug 22
In the 90s, before I switched to writing horoscopes in English, I published some cosmograms adapted from Cocteau Twins songs. We subsequently collaborated on several horoscopes; Cocteau completists still run my old Angelfire site through Google Translate, trying to find them. There's a lesson here, Leo, about the proper maintenance of one's discography.
Virgo Aug 23-Sep 22
Virgo, as digital photographic technologies offer ever higher definition and ever more lifelike resolution, do you ever worry that we're being carried towards an acontextual eternal present, in which all memories are stripped of texture and its potential for emotional friction? Mama, don't take my Kodachrome away—oh, wait, you already did. Fuck.
Libra Sept 23-Oct 22
The enemy is everywhere—perhaps even your co-workers or Twitter followers are infiltrators, harboring secret plans to subvert all that you hold dear: free speech, free enterprise, free salad and breadsticks, the band Free, former NBA all-star World B. Free, &c. Whom can you trust, Libra?
Scorpio Oct 23-Nov 21
There's an app for that, Scorpio—and by "that," I mean boredom; mental stress and muscle tension; lack of confidence in social situations; the diamond-hard clarity of memory and the blinding dazzle of regret; or, conversely, the weightless void of present happiness. And by "an app," I mean "drinking."
Sagittarius Nov 22 -Dec 21
We could send letters, Sagittarius—effusive, intimate, devastatingly witty letters, our anecdotes, judgments and asides spilling from our pens as easily as notes from a harpsichord. Alternately, we could dip our smartphones in sealing wax, and laugh merrily at the resultant Auto Correct blunders.
Capricorn Dec 22-Jan 19
I sometimes stand before my mirror and don a fedora, or leather football helmet, or Viking horns, and talk to myself in the voice of a film-noir narrator, or a prewar letterman, or an Old Norse pillager: playing dress-up helps me relocate my narrative thread. Try telling your own life story in the third person some time, Capricorn.
Aquarius Jan 20 -Feb 18
Sure, Franka Potente is a beautiful woman, Aquarius—but that doesn't mean you should get a 1:1.33 reproduction of her face tattooed on both your quadriceps. I mean, I'm as big a Princess and the Warrior fan as the next guy, but it just seems a bit... excessive, no? Why not sleep on it?