Pisces Feb 19 -Mar 20
This is it, Pisces. The world, in all its marvelous, frustrating, terrifying vastness is here for you to see. It's a big place, so I'd recommend you get started pretty soon, because really, how much time do any of us have? Take a boat, take a plane, take a bike, ride a camel… Whatever you do, just get going.
Aries Mar 21-Apr 19
Take it to the dance floor, Aries. Put down that shiv and let your aggression flow from you in so much stylized "movement" violence. Trade in your leather jacket and dungarees for a freshly washed unitard and let the music fill you. Only then will you be happy.
Taurus Apr 20-May 20
Pretty thin gruel, Taurus. Honestly, I know you've put everything into it, all your heart and soul, but sometimes you just have to walk away from a project. It's a harsh lesson the world teaches us, but one we'd best learn quickly: just because you try hard, and want it bad, doesn't mean it'll happen for you.
Gemini May 21-June 20
Stone Temple Pilots are no longer elegant bachelors. Hammer time has ended. Madonna looks like Iron Maiden's Eddie. If you even know what I'm talking about, Gemini, it means you, too, are getting older. I'm sorry. It happens, the body revolts, things end. All the Care Bears are dead.
Cancer June 21-July 22
I dreamed I was floating along in a big iron ball, staring out the riveted portals at the storm-tossed sea as the Lumiére Brothers followed my progress in a dirigible made from profiteroles. It was a bad dream, Cancer, and I sensed you watching from just beyond my vision. Why are you stalking me?
Leo July 23-Aug 22
So apparently Smith Street is in Gowanus? Crazy right? I always thought of it as Carroll Gardens/Cobble Hill, but nope… You see, Leo, you can live for a long time with stupid assumptions that don't actually affect your day-to-day life. So, you know, carry on being dumb, I guess.
Virgo Aug 23-Sep 22
Time to work it out, Virgo. You can't live in that tree house forever. One of these days you're going to have to come down and out of the backyard to face your accusers. Or can you live in that tree house forever? It worked for the Baron in the Trees! So yeah, nevermind… try it!
Libra Sept 23-Oct 22
Is it weird for a thirtysomething male to be exhibiting all the signs of menopause? Because I just watched The Bridges of Madison County and I'm just crying a river here (but also horny, so...). Is something wrong with me, Libra? Is it a crime to find pantsuits both comfortable and elegant? I AM MURPHY BROWN.
Scorpio Oct 23-Nov 21
Extreme sleep deprivation has occasionally been used by mental health professionals to lift the severely depressed out of their suicidal ideation. Seriously, it works. Around hour 24 of wakefulness, the brain starts to release all these wonderful chemicals. I've been awake for 36 hours, Scorpio, and I'm not even thinking of killing myself!
Sagittarius Nov 22 -Dec 21
In a recent poll conducted in my house, it turns out that 65 percent of the furniture "strongly favors" my living there, while 45 percent of the cutlery "strongly opposes" my tendency to sit at the kitchen table eating astronaut food. But who believes polls, anyway, right Sagittarius? Even my cats think I'd make a good president.
Capricorn Dec 22-Jan 19
Fever is a beautiful word. It's a slow word, not too bright, but hot. It feels good coming across the lips. It's a password for strange dreams, a shibboleth for those who burn like Roman candles, a movie with John Travolta, Capricorn.
Aquarius Jan 20 -Feb 18
I think you're doing a great job, Aquarius. And I think you're going to continue to do a great job. One never knows how one will react to life and its cruel and unusual changes, but you're rising to the challenge like a real champ. And for that I salute you.