Aries Mar 21-Apr 19
You can't really do stupid things nowadays, Aries, and expect to get away with them. Everything is on film, all the time. For instance, I started out writing this horoscope in nothing but a giant, custom-made baby bib, but then realized internet images of that might discredit my reputation. So I put on my Bieber pants. Be smart out there.

Taurus Apr 20-May 20
What's your beef, Taurus? Do you hate it when people ask you what your beef is? Is that, in fact, your beef? Or is it when people ask, "Where's the beef?," like that little old lady from the olden days? My beef, as a vegetarian, is beef. Man, what a weird word to keep 
saying:"beef." Beefbeefbeefbeefbeef.

Gemini May 21-June 20
Are you familiar with the expression "correlation doesn't equal causation"? It's important. For example, you dropped a bowl of milk duds on the floor last night during The Antiques Roadshow and it started to hail. Coincidence? Yes. You are not the center of the universe, Gemini. In fact, you're incredibly insignificant. Sorry.


Cancer June 21-July 22
Being able to ride a horse and shoot a gun will be valuable commodities when the Apocalypse comes. Also, field-dressing a deer, building a wigwam, starting a fire, and turning a yew sapling into a bow. Can you do any of these things, Cancer? What will you do when the Fresh Direct trucks stop coming?

Leo July 23-Aug 22
I found it odd that you felt the need to go into 40 days of mourning upon the untimely death of Knut the German Polar Bear. You didn't know Knut, Leo—c'mon, you've never even been to Berlin. What is missing from your life that you feel the need to express emotion at such a great and vicarious distance? Meaning. Oh, yeah. Meaning.

Virgo Aug 23-Sep 22
Some days I like to play quoits, some days I like to play whist. That's just how I roll, Virgo, with a pretentious fixation on antique pastimes. We can't help the things we love, dude, we really can't. The worst thing is trying to suppress what makes you really happy, so you should stop doing that before you kill your neighbor.


Libra Sept 23-Oct 22
I once knew a lutist named Christopher. If you ever called him Chris he'd freak out and hum Pachabel's fucking Canon until your ears bled. If you knew him, you'd only ever make that mistake once. My point, here, Libra, is that if something's bothering you, you have the power to make it stop. So just do it.

Scorpio Oct 23-Nov 21
It would seem the Mayans were on to something, Scorpio. As it turns out, the summer of 2012 looks like it will feature the most intense solar storm activity in centuries. The Sun's electromagnetic freakout is going to mess our shit up: we're talking solar flares taller than 40 Earths stacked one atop the other. Chaos, dude.

Sagittarius Nov 22 -Dec 21
My great grandfather Jurgo always said it snows at least once after St. Patrick's Day. And damn him for being right. This crazy old town will crush your spirit with its crazy weather: halter tops and tube pants one day, mukluks and snow goggles the next… It will crush your soul, Sagittarius, and then pee on it. If you let it…

Capricorn Dec 22-Jan 19
You know what would suck? Getting turned into a deer and having your own pack of hunting dogs chase you down and eat you. Granted, that's not very likely, insofar as I highly doubt you have your own pack of hunting dogs, Capricorn. If you did, would you even be reading this magazine? Man, what's it like to be rich?

Aquarius Jan 20 -Feb 18
It's very dangerous to have rooftop barbeque parties with homemade absinthe. Trust me. It all starts with delicately marinated bell peppers and next thing you know someone wants to try walking on coals and the whole building goes up in flames. Moderation and decorum, Aquarius, are the keys to the good life.

Pisces Feb 19 -Mar 20 If I see one more adult on a fucking push-scooter I'm going to step into them with my shoulder and knock them into next Tuesday. Why is it so hard to grow up, people? Is it fear of death? Acting like a tween in your early thirties is not going to forestall your inevitable physical collapse. Your organs are dying even as I type this, Pisces; deal with it.