Taurus Apr 20-May 20
Sometimes people leave for a while. And when they come back, they think they can just carry on doing whatever it was they were doing before. In your case, Taurus, this would mean picking up that game of Fish you've been playing with Old Tom LeDroux for years. God, life is boring isn't it?
Gemini May 21-June 20
Grief is a selfish thing. But that's ok. Death is impossible to comprehend without recourse to self-delusional romanticism. We must wail and keen and beg and bargain. And in the end it's not even about the departed—it's all about the space in our lives they leave. Can't ever fill that space, Gemini.
Cancer June 21-July 22
I AM THE GREATEST ASTROLOGER OF ALL TIMES, CANCER!!! Well, maybe not. But you know, it doesn't hurt to be cocky now and then. Even if you don't necessarily believe your own shtick, it might actually start to form around you like a powerful force field of moxie. MOXIE!
Leo July 23-Aug 22
I've been thinking a lot about streetcars, lately, Leo. You see, I grew up in a town that had one streetcar, which ran 24 hours a day, except on Sundays. We called this streetcar "Torvald" and it was operated by an old man named Wystan. I lost my virginity on "Torvald," and also a pair of glasses.
Virgo Aug 23-Sep 22
The best kind of leadership is by example, Virgo, so I'll start by promising to stop: hiding money in the freezer; leaving the dog on the roof at night; wearing two pairs of pants at the same time; using that dumb "Cockney" accent every time I get a little nervous. So, now it's your turn to shape up.
Libra Sept 23-Oct 22
It's hard to think of anything much better than a big, gooey, crispy slice of wood-oven pizza. Sure, Libra, sex is pretty good, but sometimes it can be more trouble than it's worth. Pizza, however, is always good (even if it isn't very good at all). Look, being alive is hard, so make sure you enjoy yourself a little.
Scorpio Oct 23-Nov 21
What's a little knife fighting among friends? Sure, on the surface it might appear to be about a romantic entanglement, but studies show that nearly 80 percent of knife fights are really just about money. And that's sad, Scorpio. What happened to good old-fashioned crimes of passion? Nowadays it's all about the insurance money.
Sagittarius Nov 22 -Dec 21
Paul Bowles once said that "the soul is the weariest part of the body." I don't really have much to add to that, Sagittarius, except to ask you if you'd be able to park my car while I'm on vacation in Windsor. I really can't afford any more parking tickets. And if you want, you can drive to the beach!
Capricorn Dec 22-Jan 19
Sometimes, if I'm having trouble figuring out what to do next, I'll make a graph of the last week's activities in order to isolate any particular behavioral patterns. Then I'll print out the graph and put it on the wall. By the time I've done all that, Capricorn, I'll have forgotten what I was talking about in the first place.
Aquarius Jan 20 -Feb 18
Summer! Or at least late spring! Such a happy time: the bees are trying on their bathing suits and the flowers are flirting with just about everyone; ice cream seems like a good idea and for the first time in forever we're actually looking for shade. Are you ready for another one of these, Aquarius?
Pisces Feb 19 -Mar 20
You know that expression, "the sleep of angels"? If I were an angel (with, presumably, angelic powers) I really wouldn't want to waste my time sleeping. Frankly, I'd rather fly around and check out all the cool shit. You know, Wembley Stadium, Dollywood, Grauman's... Real angels don't sleep, Pisces.
Aries Mar 21-Apr 19
There was a child in my village growing up—let's call him little Udo—who spontaneously grew a pair of wings on his third birthday. Of course, he couldn't control his flight because he was only three years old. He scared the shit out of the yaks, Aries, and totally wrecked May Day.
Taurus Apr 20- May 20
When you were a kid, you wanted to be a "protest singer," even though you didn't know what a protest singer was. So you went through your life with this vague purpose, aiming for something you weren't quite sure of. Well, Taurus, did you get there? I suspect not. But having a goal was good, wasn't it?
Gemini May 21- June 20
Every day you walked, and then waited. It was hot, but you had to see for yourself. You felt the sweat trickle down your neck, under your collar, as the sun went down. And then the lights came on and your breath quickened, the curtains were open...Are you a peeping Tom, Gemini?
Cancer June 21- July 22
Never is a long time, Cancer. Are you sure about this? I know you have your mind made up, and I confess I admire your decisiveness on this—but what if you're wrong? I made a terrible and hasty decision many years ago (to have my left leg shortened) and I still can't use a pedal boat. Think about it.
Leo July 23- Aug 22
I heard Steve Malkmus was doing guitar tech work in a strip mall just outside of Normal, Indiana. Evan Dando is making organic homegrown salsa in a trailer behind his house in Ivanhoe, California. Kim Deal is sitting just over there, watching me type. Do you have my pills, Leo?
Virgo Aug 23- Sep 22
You're only as old as you feel, Virgo! Bullshit! You're actually getting older and closer to death! Hooray! Whatever wisdom you feel you've accumulated is actually just exhaustion! Forget it! The human soul is like a plastic bag that eventually just bursts! Into plastic shreds! Sorry!
Libra Sept 23- Oct 22
The stars don't twinkle when you're in space, Libra. Fuck, that's depressing, isn't it? You know what else is depressing? Have you ever seen a monarch butterfly first thing in the morning, after a night at the Applebee's bar? Horrifying. Everything is beautiful and everything is ugly.
Scorpio Oct 23- Nov 21
What kind of tree would you be, Scorpio, if a vengeful god was about to change you forever? I'd be a cedar, because they keep your clothes hole-free. I figure you for a willow tree these days...You seem a little droopy—and, I may add, a little histrionic. Get over yourself you drama-queen willow tree.
Sagittarius Nov 22- Dec 21
What are your four cardinal virtues, Sagittarius? Mine are anger, humor, resolve and beer. I think it's important that you try to articulate to yourself those aspects of existence that really, ideally, inform who you are as a person. Really think about it (don't just say shit like Truth, Beauty, Love...THINK!).
Capricorn Dec 22- Jan 19
So, that whole time, when you were freaking out but everyone told you not to? THERE WAS ACTUALLY A MONSTER IN YOUR CLOSET. People will lie to you, Capricorn, indiscriminately, if they think it'll make you feel better. And really, what's wrong with that? Nothing.
Aquarius Jan 20- Feb 18
Three jumpsuits, a water catchment system, two giant pots (one with beans, one with rice), and an orange tree—this is all we really need to survive. It might not be a "fun" way to live, but we need to prioritize what we want from the universe, Aquarius, and it's more than mere diversion.
Pisces Feb 19- Mar 20
Why do you always have that little scowl on your face, Pisces? Is it to insure that no one talks to you? It's working, isn't it? Granted, this will keep you sane on long train journeys, but are you perhaps losing out on the chance to make lasting and meaningful friendships when you least expect it? Probably not.