Wednesday, April 13, 2011


Posted By on Wed, Apr 13, 2011 at 4:00 AM

Aries Mar 21- Apr 19
Go outside. Play with yourself. That's right, I said it, masturbate. Outside. You're way too repressed these days, and a little Onan al fresco is good for the soul. I realize these are particularly specific instructions for a horoscope, but this is what you have to do, Aries.

Taurus Apr 20- May 20
When you were a kid, you wanted to be a "protest singer," even though you didn't know what a protest singer was. So you went through your life with this vague purpose, aiming for something you weren't quite sure of. Well, Taurus, did you get there? I suspect not. But having a goal was good, wasn't it?

Gemini May 21- June 20
Every day you walked, and then waited. It was hot, but you had to see for yourself. You felt the sweat trickle down your neck, under your collar, as the sun went down. And then the lights came on and your breath quickened, the curtains were open...Are you a peeping Tom, Gemini?

Cancer June 21- July 22
Never is a long time, Cancer. Are you sure about this? I know you have your mind made up, and I confess I admire your decisiveness on this—but what if you're wrong? I made a terrible and hasty decision many years ago (to have my left leg shortened) and I still can't use a pedal boat. Think about it.

Leo July 23- Aug 22
I heard Steve Malkmus was doing guitar tech work in a strip mall just outside of Normal, Indiana. Evan Dando is making organic homegrown salsa in a trailer behind his house in Ivanhoe, California. Kim Deal is sitting just over there, watching me type. Do you have my pills, Leo?

Virgo Aug 23- Sep 22
You're only as old as you feel, Virgo! Bullshit! You're actually getting older and closer to death! Hooray! Whatever wisdom you feel you've accumulated is actually just exhaustion! Forget it! The human soul is like a plastic bag that eventually just bursts! Into plastic shreds! Sorry!

Libra Sept 23- Oct 22
The stars don't twinkle when you're in space, Libra. Fuck, that's depressing, isn't it? You know what else is depressing? Have you ever seen a monarch butterfly first thing in the morning, after a night at the Applebee's bar? Horrifying. Everything is beautiful and everything is ugly.

Scorpio Oct 23- Nov 21
What kind of tree would you be, Scorpio, if a vengeful god was about to change you forever? I'd be a cedar, because they keep your clothes hole-free. I figure you for a willow tree these days...You seem a little droopy—and, I may add, a little histrionic. Get over yourself you drama-queen willow tree.

Sagittarius Nov 22- Dec 21
What are your four cardinal virtues, Sagittarius? Mine are anger, humor, resolve and beer. I think it's important that you try to articulate to yourself those aspects of existence that really, ideally, inform who you are as a person. Really think about it (don't just say shit like Truth, Beauty, Love...THINK!).

Capricorn Dec 22- Jan 19
So, that whole time, when you were freaking out but everyone told you not to? THERE WAS ACTUALLY A MONSTER IN YOUR CLOSET. People will lie to you, Capricorn, indiscriminately, if they think it'll make you feel better. And really, what's wrong with that? Nothing.

Aquarius Jan 20- Feb 18
Three jumpsuits, a water catchment system, two giant pots (one with beans, one with rice), and an orange tree—this is all we really need to survive. It might not be a "fun" way to live, but we need to prioritize what we want from the universe, Aquarius, and it's more than mere diversion.

Pisces Feb 19- Mar 20
Why do you always have that little scowl on your face, Pisces? Is it to insure that no one talks to you? It's working, isn't it? Granted, this will keep you sane on long train journeys, but are you perhaps losing out on the chance to make lasting and meaningful friendships when you least expect it? Probably not.


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