Taurus Apr 20-May 20
Sometimes people leave for a while. And when they come back, they think they can just carry on doing whatever it was they were doing before. In your case, Taurus, this would mean picking up that game of Fish you've been playing with Old Tom LeDroux for years. God, life is boring isn't it?
Gemini May 21-June 20
Grief is a selfish thing. But that's ok. Death is impossible to comprehend without recourse to self-delusional romanticism. We must wail and keen and beg and bargain. And in the end it's not even about the departed—it's all about the space in our lives they leave. Can't ever fill that space, Gemini.
Cancer June 21-July 22
I AM THE GREATEST ASTROLOGER OF ALL TIMES, CANCER!!! Well, maybe not. But you know, it doesn't hurt to be cocky now and then. Even if you don't necessarily believe your own shtick, it might actually start to form around you like a powerful force field of moxie. MOXIE!
Leo July 23-Aug 22
I've been thinking a lot about streetcars, lately, Leo. You see, I grew up in a town that had one streetcar, which ran 24 hours a day, except on Sundays. We called this streetcar "Torvald" and it was operated by an old man named Wystan. I lost my virginity on "Torvald," and also a pair of glasses.
Virgo Aug 23-Sep 22
The best kind of leadership is by example, Virgo, so I'll start by promising to stop: hiding money in the freezer; leaving the dog on the roof at night; wearing two pairs of pants at the same time; using that dumb "Cockney" accent every time I get a little nervous. So, now it's your turn to shape up.
Libra Sept 23-Oct 22
It's hard to think of anything much better than a big, gooey, crispy slice of wood-oven pizza. Sure, Libra, sex is pretty good, but sometimes it can be more trouble than it's worth. Pizza, however, is always good (even if it isn't very good at all). Look, being alive is hard, so make sure you enjoy yourself a little.
Scorpio Oct 23-Nov 21
What's a little knife fighting among friends? Sure, on the surface it might appear to be about a romantic entanglement, but studies show that nearly 80 percent of knife fights are really just about money. And that's sad, Scorpio. What happened to good old-fashioned crimes of passion? Nowadays it's all about the insurance money.
Sagittarius Nov 22 -Dec 21
Paul Bowles once said that "the soul is the weariest part of the body." I don't really have much to add to that, Sagittarius, except to ask you if you'd be able to park my car while I'm on vacation in Windsor. I really can't afford any more parking tickets. And if you want, you can drive to the beach!
Capricorn Dec 22-Jan 19
Sometimes, if I'm having trouble figuring out what to do next, I'll make a graph of the last week's activities in order to isolate any particular behavioral patterns. Then I'll print out the graph and put it on the wall. By the time I've done all that, Capricorn, I'll have forgotten what I was talking about in the first place.
Aquarius Jan 20 -Feb 18
Summer! Or at least late spring! Such a happy time: the bees are trying on their bathing suits and the flowers are flirting with just about everyone; ice cream seems like a good idea and for the first time in forever we're actually looking for shade. Are you ready for another one of these, Aquarius?
Pisces Feb 19 -Mar 20
You know that expression, "the sleep of angels"? If I were an angel (with, presumably, angelic powers) I really wouldn't want to waste my time sleeping. Frankly, I'd rather fly around and check out all the cool shit. You know, Wembley Stadium, Dollywood, Grauman's... Real angels don't sleep, Pisces.
Aries Mar 21-Apr 19
There was a child in my village growing up—let's call him little Udo—who spontaneously grew a pair of wings on his third birthday. Of course, he couldn't control his flight because he was only three years old. He scared the shit out of the yaks, Aries, and totally wrecked May Day.