Cancer June 21-July 22
Outdoor concerts are generally a pain in the ass: it's too hot, the sound is bad, there are too many pickpockets, the beer is overpriced, you end up peeing your pants, your arch-nemesis is just over there... now he's getting closer... watch out! He has a gun! Then all hell breaks loose. Stay indoors, Cancer.

Leo July 23-Aug 22
Postcards are all romantic and everything, but why not just send an email, Leo? Half the time I try to use the actual mail I end up being home by the time my postcards reach my friends and it's embarrassing because I've already confessed to them how shitty my vacation was even though my card says "Having a great time!" Which makes me a liar.

Virgo Aug 23-Sep 22
Do you have any idea how much a cushion costs, Virgo? I bet it's way more than you ever imagined. Seriously, a stupid boring cushion that you sit on and hardly even look at costs, like, $200. I hate being an adult, there's so much ridiculous stuff you have to worry about. Like STDs! What the hell? Life sucks. Also, I don't have crabs.

Libra Sept 23-Oct 22
You know what I hate, Libra? When people correct the gender of foreign words, like when you try to describe a brilliant female musician as a "maestro" and they're all like, "actually, that would be maestra" (or domina or whatever). Screw you, you pretentious jerk, do I look Italian? Yeah? Really? Cool.

Scorpio Oct 23-Nov 21
Are you familiar with Italo Calvino's Baron in the Trees? It's about a dude who decides to live out his life in the trees, without ever touching the ground. I think you should try something like that, Scorpio: namely, set yourself some kind of limit, and try sticking to it, no matter what. You'll be happier.

Sagittarius Nov 22-Dec 21
The Cure, The Cult, The Clash... I had a really hard time distinguishing between these three bands when I was eleven years old. But as soon as I hit puberty, it all came clear: The Cult was for fucking, The Clash was for talking, and The Cure was for crying. Sex, Sagittarius, it's all about sex.

Capricorn Dec 22-Jan 19
Oh for the life of a wandering dog, just heading out on that high lonesome road in search of butts to sniff and roadkill to gnaw and puddles to gulp. Sure, you might not always have a warm bed to burrow into, but that's the price of freedom, Capricorn. Do you miss your freedom? You don't seem free to me.

Aquarius Jan 20-Feb 18
Have you ever been to one of those foofy "eat some food while all the lights are out" events? They're pretty strange, honestly. One time I ended up eating an entire napkin made from recycled organic bamboo fiber. I felt great for the rest of the week. Sometimes you just gotta get lucky, Aquarius.

Pisces Feb 19-Mar 20
Man, beach season really snuck up on me this year. There I was, minding my own business, when all of a sudden my shirt was off and I was covered in sand. I had a cold can of beer balanced on my gut and I could already feel my toes starting to burn. But you know what, Pisces? I liked it, I liked the surprise. Don't fight the unexpected.

Aries Mar 21-Apr 19
I was thinking of hiring my own private PR representation, Aries, someone who could manage all of my interpersonal relations to make sure I don't come off like a jerk. I've always had a hard time with how others perceive me. They all think I'm an asshole.

Taurus Apr 20-May 20
If you pull your pants up any higher, we're going to need a doctor. I honestly don't know what you're trying to prove, Taurus, but it looks really painful. I get that there's a current style popular with the kids that's basically one step removed from the mom on Growing Pains, but I don't see why you have to be a part of it. Be yourself, dude.

Gemini May 21-June 20
I hate it when people say shit like, "Just be yourself and everything will be ok." Seems to me the single deepest existential splinter is the problem of the self: who we are; who we will be; why we are. Being alive is a constant struggle to discover and rediscover the self. To take a breath, Gemini, is to ask, "Who am I?" (YOU BE YOURSELF, JERKFACE.)