Virgo Aug 23-Sep 22
Someday you'll look back on this period in your life, Virgo, and not remember what happened. Why? Because you're partying so hard. But keep it up, I say; ignore the Puritans in their stupid hats and ostentatiously dour outfits'tell 'em to suck it! Touching bottom can be good for the soul.

Libra Sept 23-Oct 22
I just bought one of those awesome little robot vacuums that looks like a hubcap and storms around your house sucking up all the awful dust. I call him Wendel and sometimes we'll watch Hollywood Squares together and he'll make hilarious jokes about Bruce Vilanch. Oh how we laugh, Libra.

Scorpio Oct 23-Nov 21
The simple pleasures of toast cannot be exhorted enough. Toast! It is warm and crunchy! Toast! It supports our spreads, both sweet and savory! Toast! It partners with itself to create "sandwiches"! Toast! You can hurl it at attacking dogs to distract them! Toast! You can see your future in its burn pattern! (Seriously, Scorpio, take a look...)

Sagittarius Nov 22-Dec 21
I get really depressed when things are too quiet. I need to have some music playing at all times or else I won't really know what to feel. Am I happy? Sad? Excited? It sort of depends on the next song to come on the radio. The soundtrack is way more important than you think, Sagittarius.

Capricorn Dec 22-Jan 19
"It's too important to talk about right now" is actually a great way to get out of ever having to talk about anything. "I respect you too much to rush this" also works very well. At least 75 percent of the conversations we have are pretty much useless, Capricorn, so it's good to know how to get out of them.

Aquarius Jan 20-Feb 18
Tall people, statistically, are more likely to succeed in just about every facet of life, based on just about every metric you can think of. This is why short people are always picking fights in bars'because they realize that in order to get by, they'll have to wound as many tall people as possible. Watch out, Aquarius, for the short.

Pisces Feb 19-Mar 20
Cake! Holy crap I could use a piece of cake! With strong black coffee! Is that really too much to ask, Pisces, in this City of Cake we live in? That's right, little known fact: if you scratch the surface of half the buildings in New York, you'll discover they are made of vanilla angel food cake. I'M NOT CRAZY, YOU ARE CRAZY.

Aries Mar 21-Apr 19
Storm's a-coming. Whoo boy. Tie down your deck chairs, lash up your trellises, cinch your antennae cuz a hard rain's gonna fall. Or, to speak less figuratively, I suspect, Aries, you might be in for kind of a crappy week.

Taurus Apr 20-May 20
So they have these things called "Thunder Coats," Taurus, for high-anxiety animals in need of rehabilitation. Mainly, I think, they're used for skittish dogs, and basically entail a super-firm, fully snug outer layer that soothes the beast. Man, they really work! I'm wearing one right now! And that's all I'm wearing!

Gemini May 21-June 20
It was so humid the other day, when I threw my rain cape in the air, it took over a minute to come back down. And when it did, it tasted like pea soup. That's thick, Gemini! And you know what else is thick? You, if you think you'll be happy staying in your current situation. Dude, time to break free.

Cancer June 21-July 22
It has become popular, lately, to blame others for our own problems. We see this in the political arena, in the world of celebrities, and even in the "straight-talking" clubhouses of professional sports. Generally, Cancer, I'd say this is bullshit, but in your case, right now, it isn't your fault. You know who to blame...

Leo July 23-Aug 22
People are so fundamentally broken it's staggering. We forget this, all the time. Even the "happiest" among us are filled with doubt, uncertainty, fear'to be aware of the inevitability of one's end is to be a death-row inmate in a perpetual state of dread. Also, Leo, make sure not to wear too much white after Labor Day!

Leo July 23-Aug 22
What is with you people and your obsession with flying squirrels? Look, I know they're cool, but can you please stop naming your start-ups or your bike stores or your coffee-roasting outposts "Flying Squirrel"? Enough, Leo. Leave poor pteromyini alone.

Virgo Aug 23-sep 22
Sadly, money really is the number one reason why marriages don't last. Isn't that a drag? And yes, I realize it's easy enough to say "money can't buy you happiness" but worrying about it all the time certainly doesn't help anyone feel better. So what's the solution, Virgo? Be rich, really.

Libra Sept 23-Oct 22
"If six turned out to be nine." Man, that has got to be one of the dumbest lines ever written into a rock and roll song, and that's saying a lot. It's a good thing Jimi Hendrix was a good guitar player. Maybe the point here, Libra, is that everyone says dumb things. Or maybe the point is that if you're cool and sexy you'll die at 27. Not sure.

Scorpio Oct 23-Nov 21
I don't believe in ghosts, Scorpio. But I know some people who do. They're sort of goofy in their need to imbue places with supernatural flavor, as if the majesty and thrill of mere terrestrial existence isn't enough. This, I think, shows a lack of imagination, and an inability to see the world as it is: a wondrous place. Boo!

Sagittarius Nov 22-Dec 21
If you have to drive somewhere to get good bread, you're doing it wrong. Did you know that in rural France, the small-town bakeries will deliver to you every second day? It's pretty fabulous to hear the squeaky beep of one of those little Eurotrucks and head down for fresh pastries. You should move to France, Sagittarius.

Capricorn Dec 22-Jan 19
Why are you ignoring me? I tell you to do one thing and you do the other. How's that working out for you? Are you happy? Truly? I don't think you are. Now, I'm not cheap enough to try something so juvenile as reverse psychology on you, but here's some advice, Capricorn: grow your hair out

Aquarius Jan 20-Feb 18
When I was a little kid, I used to ride on the back of my giant St. Bernard/Mastiff/Malamute mix. His name was Odin and he could fight a bear and scare away lost cross-country skiers in under a minute. I miss that dog. Sometimes, Aquarius, I'll dream that I'm riding him to work, or into town on a beer run. Those are 
sweet dreams.

Pisces Feb 19-Mar 20
Never apologize, Pisces; it's a sign of weakness. Pretend it didn't happen. Change the subject. Make it seem like you wanted to do it, that it's all a part of your awesome plan. Buy another round and get on with your life. Ignore the tears. Go to the bathroom when the check comes. Basically, be a jerk.

Aries Mar 21-Apr 19
There once was a time when "digging around through your past" was a serious undertaking, when you had to catch trains and make phone calls and search through microfiches. Now, Aries, you can just sit around in your underpants following the Google trail as you randomly search for old friends. It's pretty boring.

Taurus Apr 20-May 20
Remember when those tacky Oakley sunglasses were really popular? Those were dark days. People were really into pretending that they did things like "mountain bike" and "hike"—people were liars. I look forward, Taurus, to the day when the global climate collapses and we can stop worrying about being outdoorsy.

Gemini May 21-June 20
They're working on the apartment building next door, refinishing the exterior, and there's all kinds of ashy particulate on the tree outside my window, and it's almost like snow. Except it isn't really, Gemini, it's more like the tree has turned gray overnight, like it's gotten very old. Don't get old.

Cancer June 21-July 22
I was told, Cancer, that in Clapham, a London neighborhood, there was some rioting on the high street, and that the looters systematically moved store by store, taking DVD players, computers, cell phones, sneakers...But when they got to the used bookstore, they skipped it. RESPECKT THE BOOK! Kindles, of course, were stolen.

Leo July 23-Aug 22
When we drink, we talk. You don't talk enough, Leo, ipso facto, you need to drink a bit more. August is a good time to take up new habits, so I would suggest you look into the cultivation of a regular Pimm's Cup just after lunch, followed by a Tom Collins just before dinner. This habit will make you more interesting.

Virgo Aug 23-Sep 22
We carry so much secret bitterness within us, Virgo, that when it spills out it can be terrifying, especially to us. Why is it that we are all so angry? Why are we so disappointed by everything? Some say the universe was broken the moment it began. This might be the case.

Libra Sept 23-Oct 22
I tried to warn you, Libra, but you wouldn't listen. You just had to get as close to the edge as possible just so you could "see to the other side." I suppose it's admirable the way you tied yourself to a tree with bungee cord (there is something to be said for foresight), but still, you're such 
an idiot.

Scorpio Oct 23-Nov 21
It's easier than you think, Scorpio, to withdraw from the world. The initial steps might seem difficult—turning off your cell phone, unplugging the television, kidnapping the paperboy—but once the flow of random information is staunched, the brain rapidly relearns the ability to process actual thoughts, to see once again the poetry of existence. It's nice.

Sagittarius Nov 22-Dec 21
All those old songs we sang together, and the promises we made… Sentimental fools, Sagittarius, blowing smoke and talking smack, raising hell and sleeping rough. Did you actually enjoy any of that? Because honestly, I like being old and comfortable: give me clean socks and a nice chair any day.

Capricorn Dec 22-Jan 19
Isn't it odd, Capricorn, how some towns—entire towns—can be grumpier than others, as if there really is something in the water? Or maybe it's the result of some historical sin, some distant shame that's been passed down through time, a perpetually diffuse moral stink, like a fart in a movie theater. I'm looking at you, Germantown.

Aquarius Jan 20-Feb 18
There's a town in Spain, Aquarius, where it's said at the center of the Plaza del Libertidad sits a fountain from which pours forth a spicy, dry rioja, available to anyone with a jereboam (or smaller). Personally, I would like to move to this town and become an alcoholic. You with me?

Pisces Feb 19-Mar 20
I used to think, Pisces, that there wasn't much sadder than a three-legged dog hobbling along in the park, trying to keep up with the other dogs. Now I realize that three-legged dogs are just about the best thing the world has to offer as far as resiliency and the capacity for simple happiness. Maybe it's because I started taking all those drugs.

Aries Mar 21-Apr 19
White noise. Sometimes it all seems like nothing but white noise, random wave transmissions billowing forth from innumerable soundholes, muddying your thoughts, numbing your will to action. You need a noise sword, Aries, to cut down to the bone and hear yourself.

Taurus Apr 20-May 20
Renovation is a dirty, ugly business. Uncovering the mistakes and bad decisions of the generation that has gone before serves mainly to show us how futile it is to think we can build something that will last. It's best to just give up now, Taurus, and start collecting abandoned Tumblrs.

Gemini May 21-June 20
Stormy summer we're having, eh Gemini? One second it'll be all sunny and pleasant, the sound of butterflies laughing in the distance, ice cream scoops for everyone, and then the next, a big, bleak wind storm will come along and destroy everything. And the butterflies will never laugh again.

Cancer June 21-July 22
One of the best ways to 
avoid electrocution when you're rewiring an old house is to keep your hands extra dirty. I've found a very good way to do this is to eat a bunch of sticky bbq backribs and then read through a stack of old newspapers—no current is strong enough to get through that, Cancer.